God is moving!

October 31, 2002

i rarely have time anymore to keep a daily journal of what's going on in my life, so maybe it'll just have to be once/twice a week.

we did end up meeting on monday, as planned, though not everyone showed up. i realized that the group isn't as high as a priority to some of the people as i would have liked, but i can't do much about that! basically, it was only four of us that met - silvia, flora, philina and me. i had wished all of us could have been there to discuss things, but what can you do.

so basically we're going to go about it as a prayer group, either meeting weekly or bi-monthly - and the focus is basically sharing and praying for one another and the people in the program . we've realized that there actually are MORE Christians in the program - we just need to get in contact with them, and see if they want to join up. man that'd be awesome! if we all rallied together, it would rock!! it'd be so cool :) i think the amazing thing about just sharing and talking on monday with one another, was that we're basically all struggling with the same thing - i never knew people were struggling about staying in the program and all that stuff! so it's kind of really comforting for me :) and we also have basically the same passion to see people to come to know Christ :) so yeah, hopefully that passion will carry into action or what have you. i'm excited about this group - i think God can do lots of things through us :)

i've noticed a really interesting thing on monday about design. there's like a lot of Christian influence, at least historically. because the first printed books were basically Bibles, etc. so people are 'open' in some way, or at least exposed to Christianity at some degree or another. the thing is just finding out what that degree is! :)

i helped andrew move yesterday (tuesday). it took me so long just to ask him if he needed help. why am i so stupid like that? hmm.. but yeah, i just wanted to help because he's a non-Christian (though he's got a lot of traces of Christian background it seems) and i want to get more involved in his life! so finally i got around to asking him, and he's like sure, so i went over on tuesday to help him out. i was only there for about 4 hours, but it was cool. we were just hanging out and stuff, and i got to find out more about him and his background. i really wonder what happened! i mean, i know he went to rh3c at some point, but i think somewhere down the road, it just didn't happen anymore. *shrugs* i'll find that out someday, what exactly happened!

i went over to gavin's place today. i've never really hung out with him before, despite many invitations (i couldn't make it the times he asked), but today i had a free day so i was like sure, why not. he's a real nice guy. real hospitable and stuff! he's like always offering his place to people and everything which is really cool! he asked me about what i was going to be doing in the future, like if i was going into graphic design full time or what not. and i'm like no, i'm going to seminary most likely. he didn't know what it was! so i explained to him that i was going to be a pastor. haha :) i don't know what he thought of that, so i asked him what he was going to do. and he wants to get into animation, just like karen! that's kinda neat. but yeah, i can't really say i don't know what i'm going to do, because i'm like 99.999999% sure that i'm going to be a pastor, so i might as well be up front about it, eh? so anyways, we just hung out for a good like 5 or so hours, playing some GTA VICE CITY (which is such a SWEEEEEEEEEEEET game) and we went out for some pizza. it was cool!! :)

i'm really trying to get more involved in my friend's lives - i mean, just hanging out, sharing good times with one another, that kinda stuff. and maybe, somewhere along the road, they'll ask what's up with me, or wonder about me (in a good way of course, hopefully). but yeah, i mean, building friendships takes time, so i've been trying to do that in these past few days, because i've had the time, which is unusual. in any case, it's been really cool.

there's this other guy, named sam, who's in my type II class. and last week i found out he was a baptist Christian. i was going to approach him today and tell him about our group and see what he thought. and guess what, he actually sat beside me in class (which never happens). and so, i had the chance to ask him, but my stupid shyness overcame me and i didn't say anything because i didn't want to 'bother' him while he was doing his sketches/work. what kind of lame excuse was that. so i was stupid today and didn't say a thing. bah! in the eye. God still has to push me, nudge me along, because it'll take a while for me to change :) a LONG while at that!

oh a neat thing that i noticed on tuesday, was this. while i was driving to sheridan, i was stopped at a traffic light. have you ever noticed the exhaust of a car come out of the cars on a cold day? you can actually SEE it, as opposed to most of the times where it's 'invisible' to the naked eye. as i was staring at it, i felt like it was another one of those sacred special moments. so here's what i drew from it. it's basically a lot like our Christian faith and the way we live our lives. most of the times, Christians are like the case where the exhaust is invisible. it's your typical case of the sunday Christian. but let's take it further than that. it's even to those Christians who just sit in the church and hoard all of that to themselves without sharing the GREAT news with others (people like me). and every now and then, something might happen where that exhaust becomes visible - that our faith is proclaimed, is known, is shown to others around us - maybe by circumstances or what have you. and what it needs to be like, is that it's proclaimed to people everyday - that everyone around us would see see the exhaust daily - that they would know that Christ lives in us! :)

okay. i think that's about it for g'nite! i've got a lot to do for the next few days, like normal! :) i'm playing for CCC worship tomorrow! that'll be interesting :)

let what we do in here, fill the streets out there :)

October 28, 2002

it's neat how God's been orchestrating something that's been on my heart for the last little while, and it all began from a simple school project. a while back, i chose to research world hunger as my social issue for my communication design 1 class. the theme is carried over three projects, but i've really had to do a lot of investigative research this time around because we actually had to write an article about the topic. and the facts that i've uncovered are simply unbelievable.

i've mentioned a few of those facts already, but i've been really thinking about what to do about the convictions that i believed God was placing in my heart. and today, i believe He's answered my prayer.

i went to service this morning, not really expecting anything at all. i'm still sorta feeling weird being at 4C, since everyone there is basically working or married or both, and i'm just a 20 year old student. but that's besides the point. though i do wonder if i'll ever be able to call that place home. i mean, there won't be real fellowship there with them, because they're not my age! and i only go there for service, nothing else. so it's not going to happen. the message was about caring about the needy and the poor, and it was based on micah 6. i think a lot of what the preacher said (andrew lau) really struck home with me. and what's more, was that some of the facts that he used were facts that i've already learned in my research in world hunger. but it really boils down to this for me - i struggle with time issues beyond belief. i have no time to talk with friends, barely enough time to get my work done, so where does that leave time to really get involved and serve God "out there?" i don't know. but i have been thinking about my Christmas break and what i'm going to do then, and i think this would be great. what really struck me today was how i've been sitting in the church, absorbing it all, and hanging around all the Christians. sure i'm trying to get myself morer involved with my non-Christian buddies from school, but i'm not getting OUT there, affecting the community that i live in.

"let what we do in here, fill the streets out there" (madly - steve fee)

that's what i want to be about. i want to start getting involved in the community and just showing the world the love of Christ - because after all, i was created to love God, and since God loves His people, that means i should love em too :) and i want to. i really wish i had more time to commit to doing work for God, you know, but i don't. so i'm stuck with this problem. serving God often calls for sacrifice - so maybe i have to just walk in faith, commit helping out somewhere and trust that God'll help me take care of my time retraints. maybe that's what i need to do. but one thing's for sure - i have to do SOMETHING. i mean, if you really want to see Jesus, you gotta get out of the church and into the streets - that's where He'd be if He was still around here!! not in some holy huddle with all the theologians discussing spiritual matters - but out with the people, caring for them, getting involved in their lives. :) so yeah, i'm going to start looking for a place to volunteer (maybe second harvest. a lady talked about volunteering there today).

i've also been thinking a lot about the society that we live in. it's so messed up. i went to pacific mall today after church because eric needed to get a CPU or something. and as we were walking around, i was just thinking about stupid it was to have malls like that. i mean, different stores are set up in there to entice you to buy products you don't need. we create products to entice people to buy them. they don't need them. we just make them so people will buy them. advertisers' jobs are to make products appealing to the product so that they'll purchase them. and in the meanwhile, people around the world die from hunger everyday. they die from poverty because the world's economic distribution is very unbalanced. all for what? so we can create more things for ourselves that mean nothing while PEOPLE DIE? give me a break. that's just so sad. and i'm caught right in the middle of it. i'm materialistic - i realize that. maybe not as materialistic as others, but i still am regardless. i'm like the average uni student male who always wants more. and rarely, do i ever think about using that money for something more worthwhile, like helping feed the poor or something. so i think God's trying to change my heart on that too. just showing me how money really means nothing. and i do realize that money can't bring happiness, but i still want to buy more things (it's like some strange cycle that i can't get out of).

still, all i know is that i need to get out of my comfortableness and get out into the 'world' and start living my life for Jesus among those who don't know Him. so yes, this volunteer work will have to happen soon. if not now, then definitely in december. i realize that i'm so fortunate to have a family that can provide for me in terms of my education, so i don't need to get a job to earn money. i can use my time for better things :) i've never really thought about the people who live in markham or toronto, that are suffering from poverty and what have you, and that's just really sad. i mean i've lived here for 12 years, and that thought has NEVER crossed my mind. that's just not cool.

the first meeting of the design group meets tomorrow. :) i don't know what we're going to be doing yet, but i'll make up a schedule tomorrow morning! hopefully everyone can make it!! but yeah, i totally see this as a launching pad/starting point for something great, something only God can do! man, if God started to bring our friends to know Him. that would be the absolute coolest thing in the entire world. i long to see that. i really do. by the end of my studies at york, if just one person, one of my friends in the program, came to know Jesus personally. that would rock my world upside down. :) and even if that didn't happen, but a seed was planted, that'd still be so amazing :)

i'm awfully tired tonight, so that'll be it for now! g'nite!

a brief update!

October 25, 2002

it's been a really long time since i've written anything. i've been so busy with school work lately, that i haven't had time to write. so what's been going on with me?

last sunday, we went to 4C (cornerstone christian community church). it's been a long time since i've last been there and it was cool to see andrew lau preach again. i've forgotten how much i enjoy listening to him speak :) but yeah, eric really enjoyed it there, so that's where will be going from now on! maybe there are some uni students around in there, that'd be really cool. i don't know how the whole fellowship thing works there, but hopefully we'll be able to get connected/get plugged in with the church!

lately i've been thinking a lot about me being in the design program. man, i still deal with so much inadequacy and self-esteem issues just being in there. because i know i don't have "what it takes" to be a good designer. i don't understand things that others seem to grasp so easily. and not that it bothers me, but i know i suck. is there anything wrong with that? i know i suck, and i know it's only by God that i can do anything that merits somewhat 'good' design. but that fact keeps pounding on me, all day long. and i struggle so much with it. maybe it's satan trying to put all these negative thoughts in my mind and trying to get them to overwhelm me. it's so hard. i think i struggle with it everyday.

that design group that i'm trying to start hasn't met yet. but we're gonna meet this monday. so i have to prepare some stuff for it i think. just in terms of what we're going to do, etc. i need to pray about it more. i really hope God'll use this for His glory. that'd be so cool to see people come to know Him. oh man! i'd like die or something if that happened. and it really could! i believe that :)

i've also been really really stressed lately too. it's even affected my sleeping habits. i haven't been sleeping too well for the past few days, and i thought maybe it was because i've been sleeping in my room again and cuz i was used to sleeping in eric's room. but i realized it wasn't that. it's just because of all the stress on me. it's really crazy, my teachers are throwing an insane amount of work at us. i think i'm going to be really screwed for the next little wihle. i really need God to help me through this because there is absolutely no way i can do it myself!

about the whole evangelism thing: i really think God's trying to pull me that direction. ryan, my Bible study leader (and a worker for campus crusade) told us that he'd need some help following-up on some people from last week when they handed out Christian materials to students. so i'm going to help out with that. i don't know what i'm diong, but i'm going to go with him and see what happens! oh man. i can't believe i'm thinking of doing this. it's so not me!! but i mean, God's calling me to it - who am i to deny HIM??

i went out to crusades tonight. man it was awesome. the message wasn't too particularly applicable for me (it was about money and God) but the guy talked about some interesting stuff - a thing called pascal's wager. where basically he classified people into 1/4 groups: people who don't believe God where God does not exist or does exist and people who believe God where God does not exist or does exist. it was interesting because he was saying the most beneficial choice would be to believe in God, because if God did exist, there's like this unlimited potential for 'return' (he was looking at it from a business standpoint). so that was neat! :) i'm still not meshing too well with everyone cuz i don't know them, but that'll take time. i hung around tonight cuz i normally drive raine, sari home, so i offered them again to drive em. and sari wanted to talk to her friend, so i hung around, and just talked with a few people. it was really cool :) really, really cool! i'd just like to know em in a more deeper way, but that'll take time no doubt! but yeah, we had dinner and stuff like that together in the student centre, so it was cool just eating with em. sari's such an awesome person! she was like telling her friend about the 4 spiritual laws and stuff like that over dinner.

these crusade people are so inspiring to me - i mean, they're just like so gung-ho about evangelism and spreading the Word of God to people. it's just awesome. like that's what they're all about - evangelism - bringing the name of Jesus to everyone! that's just awesome. i mean that's what life is all about!!! i have so very much to learn from them!! :) i'm also going to go out for the "men's breakfast" on saturday with the guys from crusades, just to get to know them and stuff :)

that's basically a quick sum up of what's been going on with me. i'm going to have to work like nuts for the next few days. it's gonna be interesting! g'nite! :)

He's always surprising me

October 18, 2002

so i finally got my mark back on the typography project that i handed in last week. and i did a lot better than i had previously thought! i actually thought i was going to fail, or be really close to it, because i had no clue whether or not what i was doing was "right". although there is no single solution for a design job, there are solutions that are in the right direction. so basically, i just did something, handed it in and that was that.
and guess what? i got a little bit higher than 75%. i was totally shocked. i couldn't believe what i saw. so i was the happiest person yesterday, just amazed at God. because it was all Him. i didn't get a 75% mark, He did. i couldn't do it, but He helped me to do it? why? cuz He loves me. plain and true! He put me here, He'll get me through it. :)

God is faithful to His promises. i've been reading the book of joshua over the past little while and i just finished reading it today. it's pretty neat, aside from the parts where the feel like listing ALL the territories and borders of each division of land to certain people (it's a little dry - i did skip over it :P) but God just shows Himself again, and again that He's faithful and true to the promises He makes. no matter what the circumstance looks like, no matter how people perceive things, one thing remains - God's faithfulness. you also see joshua grow and develop into this amazing obedient man of faith. he starts as this young person who's scared and unsure of what to do, and God constantly reminds him to be "strong and courageous", and to follow everything that He was commanded to do. and so over his lifetime, he eventually learns this.

there's so much to be learned from joshua! :) and i think for me, God's just reaffirming me remaining in the design program. even though i don't have any fun, or i find trouble finding joy in it, and i feel so inadequate, He still has me here for a reason! and even it's not to "change the world", but to start something, to perhaps lay foundation for something, that's really cool. the Christian group that we got going in design is going to start soon! hopefully next week. i've finally gotten everyone's schedule and proposed a date. i'm really excited. i'm not sure what to do yet with the group, but i definitely to keep praying about it, keep seeking God about it. i do believe that He will be glorified through it, and that this group will be like this totally awesome thing! :)

i didn't head out to fellowship tonight because i wanted to stay home and work. i think i've been making mountain out of a mole hole in terms of the amount of work i have, but i think it's good in some ways. i mean, i shouldn't be slacking off, etc (which i have been doing). i really need to get down to things and focus.

one of the things that has been on my mind a lot, is my website (yourchristianhome.com). i've never really had any major problems or issues with the site, until now. i have been contacted by my web host that i'm over the bandwidth transfer limit (i've been over for QUITE some time now, but never been charged). and the fee is pretty insane. they're charging $6 for each GB over 6. last month i got about 11 GB of trasnfer. that would be an additional $30 for a month. it's simply not worth it. but the thing is, i love my host. they're friendly, they're responsive, the hosting has been awesome, and the best thing, it's a Christian host to boot! :) i really don't want to switch to another web host because it'll be really troublesome. *shrugs* i need to pray about it. a lot of my time and energy has gone into trying to come up with a viable solution for this issue. hopefully my host will give me a discount or something! otherwise i'll be forced to switch servers.

back to the whole school thing, i bombed my psych test from last week. not that i expected to do too well, but i didn't expect it to be so bad. i got a big time high of like 63.8% or so. isn't that horrible? i'm telling you, packing 17 hours in three days is NOT good for grades or for the body. i'm totally dead physically, and mentally. which isn't too good when you think about it, because half the time i don't know what's going on! i met some guy yesterday in my psych class. he was an asian dude, a 1st year psych major. didn't really get to talk to him too much, but whatever. nice to just touch base with someone in the class. i totally forget his name now though. oh dear. i'm becoming more and more forgetful!!

so that basically sums up what has been happening with me for the past few days. i have a lot of work to do this weekend: study like mad for research in design & finish up my communication design 1 work. hopefully i'll finish that tomorrow so i can concentrate on studying for 2 days. i have to catch up on my reading for that class, since it impaled me the time i tried back in september. i haven't done any readings for it in fact!! aiya. :P

but yah, that's about it for now! i'll post more later on at some point. g'nite :)

happy thanksgiving!

October 15, 2002

i ended up going to rexdale alliance yesterday for service. i enjoyed it a lot. the worship was farily contemporary, but the mix of the sound wasn't too great, and the speaker was pretty good. i think rexdale is really set! they've got a lot of prayer focus which is great - i think that really shows how healthy a church is. i basically see rexdale as the church that 'has it all' so-to-speak. they've got lots of ministries outreaching to the community, their service is great. things couldn't be better! i could see myself going there. i really could! i wonder if their saturday 6:30 pm service is a younger one. i might check it out next week!

i really think God's trying to tell me something about evangelism, and just getting out there and spreading the Word. like He's not backing down on this. everywhere i go, i hear something about evangelism or faith or something related. on sunday, the guy was talking about missions. and i was just sitting there, thinking, oh dear. but something he said really stuck out to me, and it was this: we should be witnessing in that style that God created us in. we shouldn't be going around being 'intellectual' if we're not intellectual. it wouldn't make sense. and he was talking about a study that they'll be doing on the book called: becoming a contagious Christian. basically the book helps you find what style you are. and i'm like. hey, that's so for me! but i don't think i can make it to those sessions, but coincidentally i DO own the book. so i'm going to dive into that, to read up about things. but yeah, i have no clue where God's gonna lead me on this whole evangelism deal - i know it's part of every Christian's life, but somehow it never seemed to be a big thing on my heart (like actually doing stuff like random evangelism cuz i'm not onboard with that kinda stuff). but God seems to be leading me there, in that direction perhaps. i think reading the book will help me understand things better!

we also threw a surprise party for sharon yesterday. it was fun :) auntie rose makes such great food! she's such a nice lady. i love her. she's so funny :) that's where sharon gets it from!! but it was really nice to see her. i haven't seen her in a while, so it was cool! i didn't get to talk to her too much because everyone was there. but i'm going to give her a call or something soon - we gotta catch up!

i've been thinking a lot about world hunger lately. and the reason for that is because i'm doing my design project, using world hunger as my social issue. the facts are just so shocking. i'm so fortunte to have this wonderful privelege of eating food at any time i desire and having the ability to choose the food i want to eat. people in the world would give anything to have a mere morsal of food. and here i am, being picky about what i decide to place in my mouth. i have no idea what i'm suposed to do in response to knowledge i have. it's just something that's been weighing on my heart lately. do people even realize how lucky they are to eat? or is it something they take for granted all the time? do people realize that 24,000 people die each and every day because of hunger? do they realize that 96 billion tons of food is wasted annually in the US alone? it's so scary.

have you ever thought about the way our society is structured, with only regards to food? we have people that train to be CHEFS, waiters, waitresses, etc. we have supemarkets, convenience stores so we can purchase our foods. we have tons of restaurants so we can eat "good food". we have food critics that rate these restaurants to tell us where we can eat "good food". we have cooking books, magazines, shows, websites to show us how to cook our own "good food". and all the while, people die everyday because they're starving. because they have absolutely NO food at all and people like us could care less or are simply ignorant to what is going on in the world. it kills me to know that i'm one of those people. what can i do? what can i do?? i really don't know. :(

this weekend is thanksgiving. i have so much to be thankful for. and when i think solely about this whole food issue, i mean, that in itself is such an amazing and wonderful blessing. that God's given me food to eat every day and the means to attain food. i'm also thankful that:

1) i have a wonderful loving Savior who died for me
2) i have a Father in Heaven who is control of everything and knows what's best for me
3) God is my strength, despite all my frailities and weaknesses
4) God is my Friend that cares for me deeply
5) God is my provider - food, shelter, family, friends, life, EVERYTHING!!!!
6) God's breathed life into me, so that i have this entire life to get to know Him and love Hiim
7) i was able to see my friends this weekend - it was really great spending time with them - especially jon, jer, justin & sharon - all the waterloo/laurier people! (i should just go there.. lol)

i think we all could write an unexhaustive list of things to be thankful for because God has given us so much! so off to bed i go! g'nite!

my sporadic rants...

October 13, 2002

i've been really unproductive lately. maybe it's because of thanksgiving weekend? i just can't seem to get anything done. i set goals for myself to finish certain things on certain days and they didn't pan out at all! oh well. what can you do!

i went to loblaws yesterday to kill some time before heading to the mall after i got my hair cut. i was really impressed. the loblaws is really well-designed. the signage was gorgeous!! and the place was really spacious, maybe TOO spacious if you ask me! but all good.

so here's what i was thinking while i wandered around aimlessly: do the people shopping here even take a second to think about what they're doing? or is it by some natural response that they go to a supermarket to get food when they run out? aren't we so fortunate to have things like supermarkets, convenience stores, etc.? if we run out of food, we simply have to go somewhere to get more. what a lavish lifestyle we live, and yet we take it for granted so often. i take it for granted so often. i realize that i'm a picky eater. if there's a tomato on my food, i won't touch it. if there are vegetables i don't like, i'll just ask for something else or not eat them.

a large number of people suffer from CHRONIC hunger each and every single day - 840 million people in fact. every 3.6 seconds, someone dies from hunger or a hunger-related cause. 24,000 people die each day from hunger. aren't those facts just appalling? it's downright scary. and here i am, choosing what foods i eat. how selfish am i? now i don't know what i'm supposed to do in response to this. but i think it's just to really and truly satisfied and thankful for what God provides me with. and i always need to be reminded of this. ALWAYS. i'm an ungrateful person. i think we all are. we always take for granted the things that we have. i need to always come back to the fact that God has provided for me in ways that are just so incredible and so lavish and everything.

now on something completely unrelated: the church shopping continues tomorrow! it'll either be: the river OR rexdale alliance church. we'll see what happens! i'll post what happens tomorrow.

i also got to hang out with justin today! it's been a really long time. too bad i couldn't to hang out with him more. bah! i should really try and keep more regular contact with him, like i read his blogs and stuff like all the time, but i don't get to TALK to him. i should call him!! get his prayer requests and stuff like that. that'll be good. or even email. any form of communication would do!

pneumatos was tonight. it was nice all the 'oldies' from MCBC come back and just hang out. i really didn't get to spend time with them though, like on a personal basis. like janice for example. i haven't seen her in ages or heard from her in ages, and i didn't get much of a chance to talk with her. blah! no fun. next time she comes back, that'll have to change.

i feel like i'm losing contact with everyone. design is taking up too much time again. but maybe it's not so important to be updated on everyone like everyday or every week! i still remember what christine said (from Sufficiency!!!) about the vine and how our fellowship is THAT much sweeter when we see each other again. and i'm beginning to see that. like just having a brief lunch with justin was really nice, even though it was brief. just to hear what's going on with him and stuff like that! i gotta get an update from sharon too. maybe tomorrow? :)

anyhow, i'm like really tired now. i wrote more than i previously expected. lol. not that i'm surprised! okay, that's it.. g'nite!

a sacrifice?

October 11, 2002

i've come to the realization that outgoing people really put me off. it's not that i can't stand them or anything, but their presence makes me feel strange. it puts me more into my observer/introspection mode. i've noticed that i really don't fit in bigger social atmospheres and that i can't stand being in them. i'd rather sit by myself/stand by myself/everything by myself than subject myself to meaningless chatter and noise. it just doesn't work for me. that's not who i am. i like to think/ponder/reflect on things that happen rather than comment on everything simply to fill that eerie silence.

so where am i getting this all from? i went to CCC today. i don't know what i expect from that place. but i still feel very much alienated there. like i don't belong, like i don't fit in. and that's exactly what i was thinking while i sat there today. but i don't let that get too much to me. i'll just stand around and stare off into space as time passes. i'm real good at that. i'm so used to being in uncomfortable situations, that it doesn't really affect me anymore. *sigh* will this ever change? is there any hope?

but i sat there thinking, this is about me and God - so who cares about everyone else. it doesn't matter if i feel weird - it doesn't even matter if i don't know anyone. i'm there for God. that's what it's all about. so when the guy came up to start his message, i was all set for it. it wasn't bad. i think he's from the campus cruasde HQ or something, but he was talking about daniel tonight. and more about faith. and yeah, it was totally hitting me on the head. i think God was just reaffirming with me that i'll be okay this year. that i don't need to worry about 'failing' or not 'cutting it' cuz He'll provide. He showed His faithfulness to me last year, so He'll still be faithful to me this year! even as i was reading through joshua yesterday, a verse talked about how God was faithful to the promises He made and that NONE of them were broken.

yes, i'm supposed to be in design. i think i'm getting the point :) i think God's also trying to change my evangelism view. and it's hard. hard like you wouldn't believe for me. here i am thinking that i'm not cut out to do the random evangelism cuz i'm more of the "life that leads to why" kind of guy. but does that exclude me from witnessing? no way. in no regard. but it's been my self-decpetive lie for myself for a long time. i won't have anything to do with random evangelism. why? cuz i don't think i'm cut out for it and i don't think it's the greatest way of doing things. but i think God's trying to change my mentality. and maybe even get me to do it? *shudder* oh my. that's so freaky. me. of all people. why me? i can't do it. i don't know what to say. i don't know how to do it. i'm an INTROVERT. i have enough problems trying to say a simple hello to strangers! but those are my issues, my excuses. as we sang our response song, God reminded me of louie's message about getting fat in the church. and i'm like oh dear. i think this means i have to do something now. maybe i should just get involved with the whole random evangelism. watching people do it? just being a part of the experience. i have to see york university as a big ministry place! not a place for 'education'.

the speaker was asking us what our biggest faith barrier was or what is the thing that we'd like to see God do. so i was thinking about that. what would i like to see God do? i'd LOVE to see Him just start bringing people in my design program to Him. to show them how much He loves them and just wrap them in His arms. now that would be the coolest thing ever. oh my, i'd like go crazy if that happen. it COULD. it's very possible. but we have to be CHANNELS for Him. and that scares me like nobody's business. i mean, not me. that's not possible. i'm like the wrong person!!!!! i'm the most wrongest person ever. but i think this small group or whatever you want to call, that we're gonna start is going to be a starting point for something awesome. so i really need to keep praying about it, keep thinking about it because i believe God's called me to start it, nurture it, see it come to pass. and what comes from there? i have no idea. but what i'd love to see is that we'd start praying for one another & people in our program and seeing those people fall in LOVE with the Savior.

that'd knock my socks right off! that would really be the coolest thing ever! :)

so back to the whole CCC thing. they went to kelseys tonight and so i was thinking that maybe i should go, just to get to know people. CCC ended, people started talking to people they know. and then there was me. by myself yet again. i think this is a trend. and i just hung around ever so cooly with myself. and as i stood there, i overheard people saying they needed a ride back home if they were going to kelseys. so i decide to open my big mouth and offer them rides. didn't know who they were, and it really didn't matter to me. i have a car. i have spaces. they need rides. what's the problem? a part of me feels like i'm just being used, stepped on, pushed aside, manipulated, taken for granted. but i offered to drive them. no one twisted my arm, begged me. i offered.

so off we went to kelseys. when we arrived, we realized that we'd have to wait for a long time. so we stood outside and people conversed. guess what happened? i was on the outside yet again (that was the 3rd time in one night - i think i'm going to set a record one of these days). they were all talking and having a jolly old time. and there i was. staring at the ground, staring at cars, staring at the sky. i noticed this other asian guy who was basically in the same position as me. so i felt like i should talk to him, say something. but i just couldn't. so we just stand there. and people talked. and i realized this. basically everyone at CCC is outgoing. that's why they can talk about all this different stuff and what have you. and then there's me. the quiet, shy one. and i was just thinking, "what am i doing here? i don't belong here. i'm not outgoing at all. i'm the complete opposite" but i just sucked it up because i already told people i'd drive them home, so i couldn't just leave. brett eventually noticed that i was on the outside and made a comment on it. and i was just saying how i'm used ot being the outsider. which is very true.

after a while, sari, a girl i met two weeks ago (and drove home two weeks ago), came out and i overheard her talking with this other girl about how she shouldn't walk back to campus. kelseys and york aren't that far, but for a girl to walk alone at night. that's just wrong. so i said, i'd drive her back. did she know me? nope. did i know her? nope. i just explained to her that it'd be better that way to drive her back to her res. so i did. turns out her name is erica and she's a first year student (seems like i'm meeting a lot of first year students at CCC!). i have no clue what program she's in because i forget. i think it was law? *shrugs* and then i drove back to kelseys.

by that time, this other girl came out and i was just standing around again. but she didn't know me, and so she's a little more outgoing than me, so she looked at me and introduced herself. her name is becky. and so i introduced myself to her and we started talking. remember that asian guy that i mentioned? well i finally introduced myself to him (yeah, i actually intoduced myself). his name is jason. i actually enjoyed the brief conversation that i had with becky. it was nice. and by then it was time to go in and eat. i had a pretty good time. i enjoyed the conversations i had with the people around me: brett, constentien (i have no idea how to spell his name), melissa, jason and becky. i couldn't really hear brett & becky a lot of the times and i wished that i could. but yeah it was fun! i hope i can get to know them better as time passes on! :) but yeah, this was like the first time i really got to talk to people at CCC. it was cool. very cool! i really had a great time tonight despite all the times of awkwardness/uncomfortableness that i expereienced (and it was a lot too!).

i ended up driving home like a full car's worth of people: sari, ilayna, maive (i think), and a guy named andrew. 3 of them lived in scarborough & one lived right near me. i was just thinking during the car ride, am i going to have to do this every week? that'll be interesting. i can't refuse rides to people. i don't know how. i can't. i have a car. i always have empty seats. maybe God's trying to teach me something through it? servanthood? humility? sacrifice? it's gotta be. i always end up driving people i don't know home. and i don't mind. it doesn't bother me at all. cuz i'm used to it. but another parts of me thinks that i'm just being used. you know? that they don't really care - they just need a ride home. but i'm sure it's not like that? i hope not.

so yah, i really pray that God'll open up opportunties for me to connect with people in the fellowship - really get to know them, get to know what makes them tick, that sort of stuff. that would be awesome. i'd love it. they could teach me so much! i just know it.

that's all from me tonight. g'nite :)

still breathing!

October 9, 2002

let this be a lesson: never pack 17 hours of class within 3 days. especialy if you're in the bachelor of design program! never again.

this was the first week (in what i foresee to be first of many) where virtually everything was due. as you can imagine, it was quite stressful. i had three projects and one major test in two days. and these aren't exactly 'tests', they're basically mid-terms. i've been basically working even more hardcore than normal to get all my assignments completed. i don't even know how successful they are. yesterday i was so drop dead tired after working all day after class at sheridan, and then staying up late to study. i was trying to cram studying in b/w my type class and my psychology class today. that was pretty rough! but through it all, God's been with me all the way. He's given me the strength and the sanity to press on this week, and now all the craziness is a little bit subdued (for now!).

i think i'll be doing 'decent' this year. probably won't be getting the grades i got last year. just because it's a lot harder and what have you, but i know God'll pull me through it.

so what else is going on with me? i think God's really been showing me lately how selfish i am, and just how much reorganizing He's got to do in my life. particularly, one of the areas is my DRIVING! i've been analyzing the way i drive sometimes, and i've noticed that i can be a real jerk. and it's not like i'm cutting people off or anything, but i think it's still not very cool. for example, if we're at a 3 way stop, and i want to turn right. if i can piggy-back the car in front of me to turn right, before the car from the left can go across, i'll do it (only at york, cuz the distance is really wide). but that's tight when i think about it! why the rush? i always want to get home so i can get to work. so it's like it doesn't matter what i do, as long as i get to my destination in the shortest amount of time possible. so what does this all mean? i thought about the verse that talks about if you cause someone to stumble, and it dawned on me that that could applied to driving. if you were to do something silly like that whole piggy-back thing, that might affect someone - they might think "oh what a jerk" or get upset, or anything like that. and you could ruin their day by doing something like that. so i've been TRYING to calm down when i'm driving - not just trying to get to my destination in the shortest amount of time possible, but it's hard. i have to literally force myself to not do things that i would normally do. one of the things i've forced myself to do since the summer is to make sure i'm not occupying an empty right lane just so i can be at the front of the traffc line, unless i'm turning right. because you could just be making someone else wait.

so that's the driving aspect. but yeah, God's really been impressing on my heart how self-centred i can be - just the ME focus. me, me, me. and even how i can be selfish in certain situations where i don't even realize i'm being selfish! i think the whole driving thing is where i'll have to start!

i was watching 7:22 today. man, i look forward to it so much during the week. i actually count the days that are until 7:22 (that's kind of sad now that i think about it, but whatever! i think it's good in a way. i mean aren't you supposed to look forward to going to church?). i hope that same kind of expectancy will eventually translate to MY church! whenever i find that church!

anyhow, billy phenix was talking about what worship is not. his main point was that worship is not a task, it's a DESIRE. but the point that hit me the most was that worship is not about you. so what's so special about that? it's the way he said it, because he was talking about how worship is just between you and God and how that works within a church context. so it translated to me like this: i need to find a church where i can worship God freely like that. where nothing holds me back - it's just me and God kind of deal. and so that means i need to find a setting where i can do that. maybe "the river"? *Shrugs* we'll see on sunday. but basically i think God was just impressing on my heart that i need to find a church with that kind of setting. i never felt "free" at markham.

that'll be it from me tonight. i've got a ton of work to do this weekend! so i'm going to do some hardcore work for the next few days! tomorrow is CCC, i'm pretty excited for it :)

too many expectations?

October 6, 2002

i woke up early this morning with eager anticipation for a great experience at bayview glen. i've heard great things about the church, so i was all jacked up about it.

we arrived there, and i expected it to be packed, but to my surprise it wasn't. by the time service started, it wasn't even completely full. there were still a lot of sitting area for people! i thought it to be strange. i mean, the man's church would have to be super full, if you think about it!

the worship was still pretty traditional. they had a worship band up there (no bass, but they had drums, keys, piano, guitar and a TRUMPET!), but the style they do is pretty like not for me. it's kinda like the older integrity stuff, which i thought was weird. i didn't even know any of the songs, except for show Your power. the rest of the ones, i was like what's going on here.

and the sermon, oh my. it wasn't even like a sermon. it was more like a lecture or something. perhaps it was just the topic that made things sour, but i really didn't get anything out of it. i was trying to keep a positive attitude throughout the entire thing, but a part of me wanted to leave, or just do something else - anything but listen to what he had to say. and it's not to say i know a lot or anything, but the content was so very dry! my brother had the same feelings, and perhaps to a greater extent.

service ended, and we both left disillusioned. i had prepped him for a great church, but it really wasn't! perhaps the 'man's church' changed drastically from the time that justin went. i trust justin. he said it was good. i believe him. that's why i went there! cuz i trust his judgement on churches and whatever. but yeah, it had to have changed. rocky dundas isn't even listed as a pastor for them anymore, so what's that all about?

anyhow, eric told me about this church called "the river" - basically it's like 4c, but caucassian so we decided to check it out. however, they weren't having a service today. they were doing this like fun day at a farm, so we went there cuz we wanted free food (come on, who am i to refuse FREE food?). and sure it was totally strange cuz we don't know anyone and we just show up for free food, but what can you do, it's FREE food! :P

i'm kinda curious though about their church. eric said it's pretty small, but the worship and sermon is really good, so we're gonna go back and check it out next week.

i really don't know what i'm looking for in a church. my 'ideal' would be like 7:22. that's sweet stuff! good worship, challenging message and some fellowship to boot. maybe in an idealistic world? i felt like God was just reminding me this morning that i wouldn't find a church like that.

so i'm more confused than ever. do i want to be at a big/med/small church? no clue. do i want to be at a multicultural/chinese church? not sure, more leaning towards a multicultural one, but what do i know?

what other churches are left on my list now?
- the river
- 4c
- unionville alliance
- agincourt pentecostal (why not? :)
- etcbc??? (chinese though... i dunno!!!!!!)

still looking, still searching. God'll lead me!

that's it for tonight. i have a ton of work to do! the next three days is going to be nuts. i need God to sustain me and lead me and help me, cuz i can't do it. no way, no how! can't do anything without Him. isn't that great? :) i can't. but HE CAN! amen!

i'll bear the Cross

October 5, 2002

the verdict on my design studies?

as you might have guessed, i'm still going to continue you with it. i figured that it'd come to this, i just needed to confirmation/affirmation from someone else. it's not easy to go against yourself so readily. to me, this is a big sacrifice. i mean, i'm going to have to give up three more years of my life learning stuff that i'm not too fond of. but that doesn't matter. JESUS died on the Cross for me. who am i to say anything? i just hope that during the next 3 years, that i'll be able to participate in His work! :)

i finally had the chance to have lunch with tim today to talk about all this craziness and he's helped given me a very good perspective on things. i was already beginning to think that God was trying to reaffirm me on wednesday using louie's message to really strike a chord within me. but i guess i wanted more confirmation, and tim gave me that. he reminded me of all the things that have 'lined' up in order for me to get in design, like the fact that i got in was such a miracle, the fact that my parents could get me a car to allow me to drive to york & sheridan, the fact that my family has enough resources to put me through the program and other things like that.

i think one of the things he said really struck me. i guess i've told him about all my Christian friends and how i wanted to start a small group or what not. and he was perhaps suggesting that maybe a reason why i'm in the design program is to kind of 'pioneer' a small group type thing. to pave the way for Christians in the years to come. not that i believe i would be a part of anything like that, but it was just encouraging. and so i don't get my situation. i don't understand why God's placed me in my program nor do i understand why He's allowed me to have such a mean teacher (type II), but i realize that God has me in there, for some kind of reason, and that's all that matters.

mind you, i still have HUGE amounts of different feelings of inadequacy and doubt within me. i have no idea how i'm going to pull off one of my assignments. and for that matter, i don't if i'll pass the course. but God's carried me through first year as hard as it was. and because He's placed me here, He'll carry me through 2nd, 3rd and 4th year. no matter how much of a designer i am not. no matter how much i don't have the skills to do it. no matter what. it doesn't matter. God will carry me through it. i just have to keep remembering that.

when i think about what happened over this past week, i think it was a real strategic move of satan to get me when he did. cause the way i look at it, i don't have a home church anymore (tomorrow will be my first time away from markham EVER), all my good buddies are away at waterloo, and i don't have a fellowship to call 'home' yet (i'll be going to CCC, but i don't really know anyone there yet). and i've been having all these feelings of inadequacy this year of not making it. and then he hits me with like the two worst days of my life ever. and it shook me. it shook me to the core. but God's faithful and just. He will never let the ones He loves fall. isn't that awesome? :)

i thank God that i have someone like tim whom i can always go to whenever i need guidance/advice or just a friend to lean on! :)

my friend jung has been 'pushing' me to get an email out to our Christian friends in the program to start up the small group, so i finally got around to doing that today. you know, i think the most rewarding thing for me in these next three years would be to see some of the people in the program to come to Christ. and perhaps this small group could be a part of that. if all of us began praying for each other and the people in the program constantly, i believe that God would do some amazing things. and that would be so incredibly awesome :)

so with that, i'm heading off to bed. i'll be checking out bayview glen tomorrow morning! the church 'shopping' begins. :) perhaps this will be the one, i have no clue! still have to seek God in finding a right church. that's all for now! g'nite :)

design woes - part II

October 4, 2002

still have the same feelings about design. it's not going to change. i've been looking up some music programs (not really intensively, but a little bit here and there). so anyway, it doesn't seem like i'd qualify for most of them. why? cuz i don't know much about music. i used to take piano and what have you, but i never had a passion for it back then. i don't have 'formal' training in the instruments that i really enjoy: guitar & bass. so that doesn't really pan out too well! maybe i could get in some other way? haha. it happened once, it could happen again.

i think i could find a place where i could take more music stuff, but i dunno. i don't really want to look too much into it yet. because i really don't know what to do at this point. i'm not just going to switch programs so impulsively, though i really hate being in design. gotta seek God, seek His guidance. hopefully my lunch with tim will help me put things in perspective.

i've been in a daze today. all i want to do is go home. home to be with my Heavenly Father. what a glorious thought. i can just picture it.

i wish sometimes i could just fast-forward a few years, and at that point have stability. everything is all up in the air now. and now that i'm looking for a new church, that's also tentative. i have no 'home' anymore. no saftey zone. no comfort. and i need that. i seek it. i desire it.

in the meantime, i'm just trying to get all my assignments done. i have no clue what i'm going to do for my typgraphy assignment - my teacher RIPPED up my work on wednesday. he did that so he could re-arrange it, but geez. it wasn't nice at all. why is it that design professors are so emotionless? they don't spare your feelings at all. i don't think he likes me. like he was just hurling criticism at me left and right. i don't even know how to finish the project now. i have to redesign the face. and i probably won't do it right. *sigh* all this for what?

i simply don't see how my little snapshot fits in God's big mosaic. and sure maybe i don't need to see that yet, or maybe i shouldn't see it yet, but it's hard from the vantage point that i have now. i need more perspective. just a small glimpse would do!

design woes

October 3, 2002

i've been struggling w/ staying in the bachelor of design program for quite some time now. and i think this year has amplified that struggle in my heart to such an extreme, that i now question whether or not i should continue in the program. to be honest, i hate the program. i think it's a waste of time. i do not learn anything that i find useful. i waste money, i waste time. for what? for a piece of paper that i have no interest in obtaining?

i'm going into seminary. i know that full well. but what do i do w/ the time before i head into it? maybe i was inspired the other day with music. i was impressed that rachel milstead (she's a vineyard worship leader) went into music to hone her skills as a worship leader. now that's useful! that's practical!!! and so i was thinking. what use is it to be in a program in which you have absolutely no interest in? what use is it!? so i'm kind of liking this whole getting into music thing. that's sweet. honing my skills as a worship leader. now that's a useful thing! very useful.

a part of me, a big part of me is screaming to get out. to get ouf of design as fast as i can. one of my classmates already switched out of the program this year, and i'm sure she's not the only one who has already done so. they've realized that the program is not for them. i realize the same thing. so why didn't i switch out of it before this year began? i guess it never occured to me? i'm not exactly the brightest of people in the world.

so what do i do? i have no idea. because i do believe that God placed me in the design program. because how the crap did i get in it? by Him. like it doesn't make sense that i'm in the program, because i don't cut it as a designer. and i really don't think i'm going to hold up for THREE more years. i mean, first year is like all the easy stuff. that's fine. but once you get into the upper years, i don't think i'm going to pull the grades that i need to pull. not because i wouldn't try hard, but because i'm not a designer. it's not who i am. so i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. do i stay? is God truly calling me to be here? and if He is. that's one big sacrifice. to go against my will for 3 years in a program i hate. that's not an easy task. because my attitude towards the program is getting worse and worse, my desire and motivation to excel or at least do well has decreased almost to a point of zero. so it's possible that God would ask me to make this sacrifice for Him. but i always figured that God would place us in a place that would 'make sense'? you know? like He wouldn't create a person out to be a doctor and stick that person selling automobiles. it woudln't make sense!

but what do i know? all i know is this: i'm at a crossroads in my life and i need guidance to make a decision. because i am ready to switch out, asap. but if God wants me to stay in design, who am i to deny Him? i just need to hear from Him, clearly and precisely. and from that, i can have peace w/ whatever happens. it feels like my entire world is changing. i just left my church and am off seeking a new one and now this weird problem arises and has become a really huge deal.

i'm gonna be having a chat w/ tim on friday about all of this craziness.

but something interesting has happened. i watched 7:22 today. and it seemed like louie was talking about my situation in his sermon . just saying that if you're having a few crappy days, it might be satan trying to pull you away from God, trying to change who you worship type idea. and that's how i feel. i think satan is trying to do some re-ordering in my life? perhaps. but i am not going to let it happen. i'm a child of God. i'm the Son of the Father.. that's who i am. so it's really cool that the sermon just came at the 'right' time for me. it's given me some encouragement to press on. to press forward. to not let life smack me around (or for that matter, satan) because God's got all the authority in the world and i belong to Him!