one more down... 5 more to go!

November 27, 2002

school has basically come to end for me - today was the last design class of the term!

this term has definitely been a struggle. there were a lot of late nights, and almost sleepless nights because like i've said before - jamming 17 hrs in three days is not smart! although i only had 2 design classes, it still seemed like a lot of work - maybe it's just bunching everything up together *shrugs*

but yeah, type II was the class that really had me worried (and to be honest, i'm still very anxious about the last two projects that i've submitted) - i don't know how david will react to them. all i'm striving for is a B! that's the grade i always get- the best i can do are normally Bs! not that i have a problem with it - i like Bs. they are nice letters! *grin*

it's really a hard thing to deny yourself all the time - being in a program that you really don't want to be in. sometimes this desire of mine to switch is amplified more on some days than others. today is one of those days. design is such a silly thing - let's be honest! and it's not like i have the ability / skill / aptitude for it. so one of my fears, is that i won't actually graduate from the program - that i'll like flunk out this year or third year or whatever- just not making it. it's something on my mind. and it's hard to just trust God with it sometimes. i mean, i know He's placed me here - I know He's carried me through last year - but each year, it's just like a whole new ballgame. new teachers, new design problems, greater expectations for quality (which i don't believe i can provide). and it's only through Him though, that i can remain in this! and that is what i struggle with. but i am learning. and i think i will continue to learn this truth in the years to come!

just imagine...

November 23, 2002

i played for worship yesterday at CCC. it was an interesting experience as always. the people really have no grasp of layering musically. and i found it funny and odd at the same time. we did "Lord You have my heart" and the leader prayed before we started the song and said some stuff - so we were basically in this quiet, meditative mood - and then we start and everyone is just belting it out! i mean - hello! does that make sense? i'm critical! yes, i realize that, but i can't help it. it's just a really simply thing! :) oh well, i'll try to introduce that when i'm leading next semester! hehe.

when the whole program ended, i went to help out to clean up the sound system stuff - i'm pretty happy doing that since most people don't bother helping or don't know how to help. so i just cleaned up stuff. no one says anything to me. and i'm like, gee that's just great isn't it. i've been here for a few months now AND i'm on the worship team. and the most someone can say to me is like "thanks" or the generic "how's it going" for maybe a whole minute. i mean - COME ON! what's going on here? so basically, i just cleaned up the sound system, helped moved some chairs back to normal and then left as fast i could. it's not like anyone noticed me leaving. *sigh* why am i so left out all the time? i was pretty upset when i left. so i decided to go to waterloo to visit jon, justin & sharon - my FRIENDS, my family.

i went up waterloo today, just a one day thing. it was nice to see them again - it's been a long time! me, justin and sharon went to the laurier cafe to grab some lunch (although i already ate lunch) before we went to see jon. the burgers are QUITE good - justin was saying how great they are so i had to try it out! i mean come on, how can i refuse? then we went over to jon's place and just basically hung out there. he introduced me to the POTATO GUN! it's this neat gun that uses like an explosion (i have no idea how that works) to fire out potatos. and apparently, this sucker can shoot things at 250 m/s! that's incredible. i have to see it in action sometime! :)

we watched ice age for a while, then went over to mel's to eat with some people that justin, sharon and jon knew. i haven't been to mel's in a long time, so i was pretty good with eating a 2.99 dinner :P it was a real weird dinner i'd like to say. a couple of guests showed up that none of us had expected to be there - it was supposed to just be me, sharon, justin, jon, dawn, amy, karrie and evelyn or something like that. and then godfrey, edgar, alex chow, and julia show up. i guess all the laurier people are pretty close or whatever. basically, it was like me jon, justin, sharon and dawn on one side of the table. and everyone else on the other side (we didn't talk to them at all). it was a strange arrangement. i think next time i go up to waterloo - i will refuse to eat with anyone else other than MY friends - if that's selfish - then it's selfish. cuz i don't want to have these weird things happen again. and these weird things don't happen when it's just us.

but yeah, some very uncool things happened during dinner. things that i'm not going to get into - but needless to say, i wasn't too pleased and neither were my friends. it was just like a totally bad news deal. and i learned something about myself. i made a passing comment on how "boys wait on girls" just as a joke, as a response a person made a comment to me that was, in my opinion, VERY TIGHT - i just met the person, and then they cut me up (maybe it was as a joke - but honestly, it wasn't nice! it was so in my eye). and so in my defense, i had to throw back a comment to "soften" the blow, or maybe just to retiliate cuz of a "pride-thing". and when i think about it now, i should have kept my mouth shut. i'll meet people like that in life, i'm sure. so if i'm always going to have to retiliate, that's just not cool. i just need to like shut up. suck it up. or whatever, move on. that kind of thing. not react - because then i'm reacting to a person. and that means i can't control my emotions - which is not a good thing. so i need to ask God to help me with that - maybe just to not care so much what people say in that regard. and also, to help me watch what i say - because a comment doesn't necessarily get interpreted the way you want it to be - especially when you're with people you don't know. i mean, it would have been fine if it was just my friends - but there were people i wasn't familiar with. so i just need to be more careful/cautious/aware of what i'm saying.

we ended up going back to jon's place and watched "the count of monte cristo" instead of going to CCF because of the bad news stuff. it's quite the heroic man's movie! yup, i'm that descriptive for it. i really enjoyed it a lot, so i have to track down a deal on it and get it cheap :)

when i went to drop justin and sharon off, i went up for a bit. and we got to talking about the whole snow shovelling thing that justin and i did like last year (we only did it once, but whatever). but we were like saying how if there were a whole bunch of us (just say 10), we could shovel a whole load of driveways and just give people some like hot chocolate or something and tell em that God loves em! now how cool would that be? we'd be getting into our OWN communitites and showing them Jesus. that's what i'm talking about. so we totally have to do this, THIS december. just round up people - and go for it :) that'd be so incredible!!

i think it would be the coolest thing in the world, if Christian families just lived sold out lives for Him in their neighborhoods - if they did little things, maybe like mowing their lawn for them or shovelling their snow or stuff like that. wouldn't that be cool if a family could affect other families around them by living out their faith IN the community?? that's awesome! that would be so cool!

that's about it tonight! it was great to see justin, sharon & jon again :) it's been TOO long! g'nite

paper craziness! :)

November 20, 2002

an update on my health: apparently something in my ear is out of whack (i actually learned that a part of your ear controls your sense of balance). so yeah, something unexplainable in my ear has gone weird and so my whole sense of my balance has been off for the past few days - which causes my dizzyness and fatigue. hopefully it's nothing. the doc said it should be gone by next week. but if it's not, then there could be some potential problems.

i'm actually doing okay in my type II class - it's like a miracle of miracles. i just got one of my projects back and i ended up with a 31/40 - that's like ALMOST an A! so cool! i thought that class was going to kill me, but by God's grace, i'm hanging in there. i just handed in my event mark (project 3) - that's the hand lettering project - i don't expect to do too well on that, but i think it'll be okay - i know God's with me, so it'll be fine!

david (my prof) actually liked my concept for project 4 (the chemise). i was really surprised. i just need to figure out how i'm going to go about accomplishing the concept.

i realize that i have this really huge inadequacy/inforority complex - i think that all the work i do is complete crap and not valid at all. so i'm basically ashamed to show anything that i do during critiques and stuff. i think this is one of satan's ways at getting at me, so i really need to just come around that God's given me ability in this program to produce DECENT work - it's not super amazing stuff, and it's not pure crap either! it's so easy to beat myself up on the fact that i suck - since i'm not a designer!

anyway, this is what really made my day. lily, this girl in 3rd year, who's a friend of andrew told us that there was FREE paper in the CFA. it was so jokes. man, they had like gloss, perferated, translucent paper, it was awesome. there were ever different weights for them!!! and it was FREEEEEEE! and they were HUGE too! like 20" x 40" or something. i initially took so much, i like almost fell over when i was trying to move it. lol. so i had to take some out. the challenge was, to get the paper we took and get it to our cars. me and andrew were like dying while we walked to our cars and stuff. we took a few breaks! haha, well just one, but it was hard to carry that stuff to our cars. by the time we got to our cars, our arms were dead! that just gives you an idea of how much paper we took. lol. it was so funny. :) we had to like wrap both our arms around our papers to hold it - basically everyone was staring at us struggle to get to our cars. but what's really silly about this, is that we were so happy about free PAPER! hahaha. it's paper!! most people wouldn't give a rip. but to a design student, it's like heaven on earth type idea - cuz we use paper like there's no tomorrow. i'm gonna go back tomorrow to get more.. hehehe :) man it was just great!

oh another thing that's really super cool. i got my psychology test back today. when my prof was talking to us about the tests and stuff, i thought it was all over - and you know what? i got 50/70! that's like a 69%. that's awesome. you know why? because i had only studied for that test 3 hours, the day of. because last week was so insane and i had all this other stuff to do. so i was just praying, trusting God that somehow i could past the test. and yeah, 69% that's actually BETTER than my first test that i STUDIED for (go figure, eh!? hhaha). i was so happy. just thanking God for being so merciful on me! i mean, He just totally helped me out with that test! :)

so what's in store for the weekend? CCC tomorrow night, and then basically, just finishing off my last few projects. i have a project due on tuesday, 2 on wednesday and an essay on wednesday - but i don't have to hand it in on wed if i can't finish it so it's all good! so i just need to figure out the details for my chemise, and that'll be that :)

God is faithful and true :)

November 18, 2002

something's been happening with my health lately.

i've been feeling spells of dizzyness every now and then for the past two days. sometimes it's worse than others. but it affects my balance and for that matter, my overall feeling in general. i'm wondering what it is. i hope it's nothing serious. my health has to remain okay for the next 16 days because i have a ton of stuff to do!

last week was probably one of the most intense weeks i've had this semester. i had all these things to do, and it was stressing me out like nuts (my mom told me she noticed it quite easily). but it was kinda cool in a sense. i had this real set plan, but i made a sacrifice time-wise for a friend of mine because he lost his notes. what can you do? there's always these little unexpected things that happen in life. you just have to roll with it! so it means you sleep less, then you sleep less. :P

i had a test on wednesday for two classes. i actually didn't study for my psych test (it's the second one) until wednesday. i had a 3 hour break between my type and psych class, so i used that time to study. needless to say i was a little worried about failing (who wouldn't?). but when i wrote it, it wasn't that bad. the information that i read during the three hours stuck in my brain. i didn't do fantastic. but i think by God's grace, i passed it. :) but i could be totally wrong. i have no idea! i think it went okay though. so that's cool! but yeah, God totally just helped me along last week, managing time and everything. He's totally faithful to me. He placed me here and i know He'll carry me through the next 2.5 years :)

yesterday, i went by markham to go out to lunch with andy, janice and the bunch of them. when i stepped in, it was just strange. i can't really put my finger on it. but i felt so awkward being there. granted, it was nice to see some people. but it was just weird. the atmosphere. even when betty and joe came up to me and talk, it was weird. the whole experience was just the strangest thing. but anyhow, it was nice to talk to andy and janice again. we went out to kelseys for lunch! :) it was pretty funny. i was ranting on and on about this delicious dish they have, and while i was doing it, i noticed a smiling waitress at our table. she thought it was hilarious because i was going on and on about it, and she was just smiling. i was just a LITTLE embarassed! lol :)

today class was cancelled because my professor is sick. i was sooooooo happy, because it was like God gave me more time to do all this crazy work! i actually called like everyone i know (which really isn't that many people) and told them the great news! :) it was interesting to see the response to the info from my Christian friends and my non-Christian friends. a big difference in reaction. the Christians we're like praising God, and all that good stuff. and the non-Christians were just like. cool! that's cool. one of my friends even complained about it (go figure).

i've started to read the book of judges. it's a very interesting book! the israelites are really silly people. God like saves them. they worship Him for a few years. forget. go back to like worshipping idols. God gets upset and does whatever. the people get scared, and ask God for mercy. God is merciful on them. so they worship Him again. but after a while, they go back to worshipping idols. it's this cycle that keeps happening!! and it's just not a few times, it's a whole lot of times. man if i was God, i'd just give up on them. but He doesn't. that blows me away. that's awesome. His mercy is beyond any kind of human comprehension. it really is.

but the israelites are a lot like us. you know? it's like we turn our backs on God all the time after certain things, and He's always there waiting, beckoning us back to Him. and even when we definately sin against Him, He still forgives us and welcomes us back. now that's AMAZING :)

so i'm definitely looking forward to finishing the book of judges and seeing what happens. i'm only at like chapter 4 or so! but that'll be it from me tonight. i'm not feeling too great and i have to finish some work still. g'nite!

if you love God, you love His people.

November 10, 2002

i don't know if i've ever cried for people who never have heard of the Gospel, of the wonderful message of Jesus Christ. until today. i listened to the entires "God's Ultimate Intention" series again (from my 7:22 archives) because of the strong feeling of evangelism or at least just getting out there has been overwhelming me tremendously, even more than i can bear sometimes.

my research on world hunger has really sparked something in my soul, something i believe that God has stirred in my heart. and to be aware of such of injustices at such a magnitude kills me. and what kills me even more is that i am the same as everyone else - who buy things without thinking twice, who desire material things that are unnecessary. i don't give a rip about people in the world because i'm too selfish with my own needs and wants.

God's really been breaking me down. as i was watching the last part message of the series, i was floored. to be honest, i wasn't even paying too much attention as i'm working away on some design projects. but as soon as louie read this verse, it was all over for me.

"How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!" (Romans 10:14-15)

how can i call myself a Christian and yet care so very little for God's people? i'm not talking about people that i know. i'm talking about His people - everywhere. it's so sad. but perhaps i'm getting a small, tiny glispe of God's heart for His people. and i know, i know that i need to start caring. why? if you love God, you love His people. simple as that.

what i do know is that i need to get out there, into the streets, into the city. so i think i'm going to have to take a faith step and just lean on God because i don't think i should simply just volunteer in december and stop in january. that's just for conveience sake. i don't think i ever really take these faith steps and just trust God for things, perhaps because i don't have enough faith.

but here's what i plan to do. drop design & thinking next semester - that way i'll only have 4 courses, 3 design & one social science, so my courseload hopefully won't be be too heavy. or at least it'll be bearable, so then i could volunteer. why do i need to take so many courses in design anyway? it's not like i care about the degree anyhow. :) i am not at york to get a degree. i'm there to bring light (hopefully) into a very dark place.

more evangelism craziness: one step at a time :)

November 9, 2002

we (john 4) played at grace gospel tonight for some conference thing on missions for them. it was interesting - the crowd was a lot different from anything we expected. i played guitar for once, and wow. i actually was really enjoying it. like i never enjoyed playing guitar so much EVER and like, i think i even enjoyed playing guitar as much as i do playing bass! tonight, i was having the greatest time playing guitar for my God. i think my soul was just jumping/stiring tonight, and so my body followed suit. and so i was just going all out - i was bouncing to the music while strumming my guitar and it was just really cool. maybe it's because i haven't really been serving God lately, i don't get an opportunity to do that anymore. so like i said, i've been really missing being a part of the whole worship aspect, especially the full-band setup.

during the guy's message, i wasn't really paying attention cuz i was trying to catch-up on some work, but some of his points would ring in my head, or some of the things we catch my attention. and yup. he was also talking about missions. everywhere i go, i'm telling you. that's all i ever hear nowadays. maybe it's because i haven't actually DONE anything yet. i mean, i've talked to my Bible study leader, i've been trying to seek opportunities, but i haven't DONE it yet. and time again is always my biggest restricting factor. as i was driving tim, he was saying how maybe i need to take a step of faith - a fleeting thought that had crossed my mind before, and something i was afraid of doing? perhaps. i dunno. anyway, some guys were sharnig about some programs that you can volunteer at in toronto. so i'm going to list them here so i don't forget:

1) out of the cold program
2) toronto city missions
3) second harvest (i found this out from 4C a while back)

i'm going to volunteer at one of these places in december. i have nothing else to do, and i want to do something in the city type of idea. so we'll see how that goes. i'll have to investigate. the out of the cold program is basically working with homeless people, just like what jer is doing, so i might try that, or the second harvest deal.

on monday, my friend karen said this to andrew: "you should be happy like leo". it was one of those passing comments, but it really hit me. like the joy that God has given me really shines through (maybe not all of the time, but at leas sometimes). i guess because i get happy when i eat food or whatever, so people notice. but yeah....... NEAT stuff...... :)

on wednesday, we had our normal typography class and at the end of it, the class photocopied some definition sheets for our next week. i realized that my friends karen and gavin left early, and so i wondered if they had the sheets or not. anyway, i went looking for karen and found her in the design lab (that's where she normally is after class) and asked her. she didn't have them, so i went to get them for her and then i got an extra set for gavin. and she took em from me to give to him and she said "you're a good friend". it struck me weird, because i don't really know gavin too well, so it doesn't fit the standard "good friend" definition. i was just thinking like they don't have it, so i just wanted to make sure that they'd get it, that's it. what's more interesting, my other friend (who's also friends with the two), didn't think about giving them the sheets. or at least i don't think he did. he was waiting for a critique from our prof or whatever, so i just decided to be pro-active and find em. :) maybe that meant something to them? that'd be cool. i've decided that i really want to get involved in these people's lives. it'd give me great joy to see em know Christ!! and what's even cooler, God would get so much glory out of it :)

i also ran into my friend jen (who's also in design) at future shop today. the strangest thing. me and jer went to TD bank so he could pay off his bills, and then he suggested we go to future shop, so i was like why not. we were just wandering around aimlessly in the store, and then she came up to me to say hello. it was so weird! i knew she was a canon rep, but what are the odds that she works at THAT future shop, at THAT time, on THAT day? you know? she's not a Christian either i don't think. but we were talking and i realized that she lives really really close to me. and she's like we should carpool or something. so i started asking her questions about how she gets to school and stuff, and it turns out on monday nights her parents drive all the way to pick her up. which really doesn't make sense, so i told her i'd drive her cuz i mean, she lives so close, why not! i actually don't know her really well, just got to start talking to her a bit this year cuz we have basically the same friends in our monday classes. but perhaps i'll get to know her better in the car rides back home! that'd be really sweet. i think God's really opening up doors for me!

i've got so much work to do this weekend. i have no idea how all this work is going to get finished, but i'm trusting God'll help me through it!

that'll be it from me tonight. more to come soon! maybe thursday :)

God's amazing!

November 2, 2002

i've been realizing how much i miss being a part of the worship process in general, but really how much i miss leading worship. i haven't had the opportunity to do it for quite a while now, and i won't be having the opportunity to do it in a while!

i played for worship at CCC yesterday - that was interesting. lol. there's a lot of things that i would have done differently - i've been realizing also how people simply don't realize that there's more to leading worship than choosing songs and playing them. it's an art to put song sets together, incorpoating Scriptures - it's an art to arrange music in a certain way that'll help cultivate the best atmosphere to help people engage God!

i didn't get a chance to like talk to the people on the team, it was more like. show up. do your thing. it didn't really feel 'together' or integrated, like we were of one mind, one spirit type deal. and i think that's what it should be like, you know? a worship team should be on the same page, seeing where God's moving in His people and carrying that on forward.

i still feel awkward in CCC. i think i always will! i'm always like standing around by myself. yep. all by my lonesome, and i just hang around with myself until someone talks to me. i can't help it. i'm not outgoing. it's just not me!!! i can't just strike up small talk with people. i wonder if i'll ever feel part of CCC or just feel like a person who goes there every week. *shrugs* sari's having a birthday party tomorrow, she invited like all the CCC people to go. i dunno if i should go. i know if i go, i'll just feel awkward, like everything else, but at the same time it could be a good time to get to know people there. i dunno! i'm still debating it.

the guy was talking about, guess what? EVANGELISM! i just can't get away from it, can i? he was basically talking about the whole salt and light deal - nothing new, but it still got me thinking about things, especially the whole idea of salt having three functions: preservation, flavour and something else that i don't remember.

but you know what's really cool? i was going to go eat with all the CCC people just to hang out with them and stuff, but while i was waiting for them, my friend mandy came out of nowhere and said hello. so i talked with her for a while, and then i noticed that keith & silvia were like hanging out at a table, so i said hi to them too. and keith saw my guitar, so he played it for a while. but the REALLY cool thing was this: keith was playing some worship songs, and he'd start singing them, or silvia would ask him if he knew a song, and if he did, he'd play and sing it, and she'd sing it too! and all the meanwhile, mandy was watching it all happen. she's a non-Christian by the way, but she's had a lot of contact with the whole Christian world. so yeah, basically they're singing worship songs, and she's just watching/listening to it. i thought that was the coolest thing! she also kept bugging me to sing, cuz she heard that i sang well from keith, but i refused profusely. at some point, keith & silvia left, so it was just me and mandy. and then she asked me if i wanted to hang out with her and gavin later and since i haven't hung out with her in a while, i decided to go for it cuz it seemed like God was just taking what i heard in CCC, and like giving me an opportuniy or something with it.

anyway, i went back to mandy's place to wait for gavin to call, cuz i wanted to stick my guitar in her room. and she was bugging me to sing again, so i sang a worship song for her, since i don't know how to play anything else but Christian music :) and i sang her the song i wrote cuz she wanted to hear it (which is also a worship song). and i thought that was so cool! to her it might just be music, but if some of those lyrics start taking hold of her heart/mind, that'd be really cool! :)

gavin showed up eventually, and we went to the underground to check things out - the line was insane! and then his buddies showed up. they're not exactly the kind of people that i prefer to hang out with. so basically, they just wanted to go to the pubs on campus and drink. like geez! isn't there something else you could do to have fun? basically the pub was blaring loud music, people were dancing and people drank. none of which i was interested in. so eventually, i told him that i was just going to go home because i wasn't interested in doing that stuff. there's no way i'd sell out on my convictions. never!

on a completely different note, mike pinball clemons spoke today at SCBC. it was cool! we were leading worship, and wow. the crowd was singing it out. LOUD. that was great. i mean people were just going nuts!!! that's what it's all about. just like king david, when he danced before the Lord in his linen ephod!! :) sweet stuff!

i think from his message tonight, what really impressed me was his passion. it's just inspiring man, to see people so jacked up on God- so filled with passion for declaring Him wherever they go. i mean this dude was just going nuts - it was so amazing. i wanna be like that. i really do. just filled with so much passion for Jesus and bringing that wherever i go. i think i need to work on that - which basically i can't work on that, but it's something i gotta ask God for! :)

it's also justin's birthday today! too bad i can't go up to waterloo to like hang out with him. i really wish i could! stupid distance!!! i haven't been able to talk with him much lately since i haven't been online too much, but i do hope things are going well with him :)

that'll be it for tonight. i'm QUITE tired and i have a ton of things to do this weekend! g'nite!