the pneumatos retreat

July 28, 2003

i had a wonderful time of fellowship with old and new friends this past weekend. it's been a real blast to hang out with everyone again, though our time was so short lived. it was awesome. i love the fact that despite the distance or time that i haven't had a chance to really talk with some of my old friends, we can still pick up where we left off. it's like we didn't miss anything, even though it's been so long. markham will always and forever be my home. no matter where i go, or what i do. the friendships that i have there are everlasting. i believe that with all my heart. and it brings me so much joy to see how God has moved within the hearts of my friends over the past years. i can really relate with paul's words when he was speaking to the church at colosse after being away from them for some time: colossians 2:5 says, "and delight to see how orderely you are and how firm your faith in Christ is".

when we left our campground, we returned to markham to wash the tents off, because we didn't have the facilities to do it. we waited around at the chuch until about 5 or so to get the washing materials. and so we proceeded to wash the tents in the parking lot, but we didn't realize how long it would take us. some people started to set up the tents so they could wash the insides and outsides. and then the wind picked up. it made it very difficult for us to set things up. and our attitudes sunk. we were tired and frustrated and most of us needed showers! in any case, i think a lot of us weren't too pleased. i know my attitude wasn't the greatest. and then colossians 3:17 hits me in the head, "and whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him". that totally shifted my perspective. in that, i think i failed to see what was happening around me. chung asked me to pray for everyone, so i did. and it was amazing to see our attitudes change almost instantaneously. it was awesome :) "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us--whatever we ask--we know that we have what we asked of Him." (1 john 5:14-15 [NIV])

from this experience, i learned some things about myself:

1) i still have a long way to go in my walk with God - i desire to move to a place that WHATEVER i do, it's always in the name of the Lord Jesus - that i'm doing everything without complaint (philippians 2:14) - even though i won't verbalize them anymore, i still might be thinking them and that has to go! bad news friends. bad news!

2) i'm not the 'praying man' that i want to be. and that's a person who is CONSTANTLY aware of what God is doing and can intercede on behalf of those needs. a person who is always thinking about God. i've 'preached' these words last sunday at markham, but i'm not there myself yet. and i desire to be. i LONG to be. thanks chung for bringing this to my attention, by asking me to pray for you guys! those words spoke more to me than you know, and you were just asking me to pray!

3) it's a struggle of your pride when you pray for something on the behalf of someone and it happens. because there's a tendency to think that part of the credit that it happened belongs to yourself. in actuality, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with God. prayer is still a mystery to me. God doesn't 'need' us to pray, because in fact He already knows what we ask before we even ask it. but He still wants us to pray regardless. james 5:16 says "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective". maybe the reason for that is because a righteous man is praying out the will of God? *shrugs*

4) the necessity of keeping the Word of God hidden in our hearts at all times (aka memorizing Scripture). what did Jesus do when satan was tempting Him? all of His responses were based on the word of God. we're in spiritual warfare people. we have to the Word in our hearts and mind at all times!

my desire is this, "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (philippians 3:10-14 [NIV]) amen!

the still, small voice of God

this weekend was the pneumatos retreat (that's the university fellowship at MCBC). we headed out to mcrae point in orillia, which is a camping site. i've never been camping before in my life. neither has cora. we made a pact that if one of us went, so would the other, because like me, she's never camped in her life before. in fact, back in the koinonia days, they never went on camping trips because of us :) hehe.

one night, while i was laying in the tent, listening to the wind blow, and the trees rustle. and then it hit me. i was thinking of how the sound of wind moved. the further away it is, the quiter it is. and the closer it is, the louder it becomes. it's a pretty simplistic truth. nothing very complicated about it all. but don't you think that's how we are with God? the further we are from Him, the harder it is for us to hear Him. because the distance is too great. there's too much distractions in between for us to hear His still small voice. but when we move closer and closer to Him, the easier it becomes. the distractions fade away. and all that is left is His gentle whispers to us. if you want to hear God, there's no way you can do it standing far away from Him. it's not possible. if you were talking to your friend, and you wanted to hear what they were saying, how far would you stand away from them? you'd stand pretty close if you wanted to hear what they were saying. our heart's ambition should be to draw closer to our loving Father in every single moment that passes. "come near to God, and He will come near to you" (james 4:8 [NIV])

about ideals...

July 25, 2003

amanda got me thinking about ideals over the past week, when she asked me about it on monday: are ideals good or bad? and so my conclusion is the latter option. i believe that ideals do not benefit us for several reasons:

1) it takes our eyes off of God and onto our own desires. think about the word ideal. dictionary.com defines it as the following: "1. A conception of something in its absolute perfection. 2. One that is regarded as a standard or model of perfection or excellence. 3. An ultimate object of endeavor; a goal. 4. An honorable or worthy principle or aim." it's a conception of something in its absolute perfectoin - but what makes the conception? our own minds! we envision the things to be the best for us.

2) by focusing on our own desires, our natural tendency is to follow hard after it. and the reason for that, is because we want the best. we want what's best for us. who wouldn't? if you knew the best plan for your life, would you chase after it? human beings desire happiness, and so whatever brings happiness is worthwhile. when you chase after something, you tend to put a lot, if not all your resources into it: energy, time and money. and your eyes are fixed on it. you can't see anything else but it. it's like you're walking around with blinders.

3) by following hard after our own desires, we lose sight of God and His purposes. you can't follow God when you're going after what you want for yourself. how could you see what God's purposes are if you're so caught up with your own stuff? it doesn't happen. it's polar opposites. "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me" (matthew 16:24 [NIV]) you must DENY yourself. that means your desires, your ambitions, etc. you have to surrender it all to God. daily. by doing what WE want, we could totally be "barking up the wrong tree". God could have intended us to go in a certain way, but if we decided to go another way, we could be in a position that is far worse off for us..the reality is, we take RISKS when we chase after our own desires. God knows what's best for all of us, so it's in our best interests to seek Him first in everything!

so are ideals good or bad? you be the judge :)

about long distance relationships...

okay, so i don't actually have a long distance relationship in a romantic sense. but i came upon this today while praying with chung. the past two septembers have been particularly hard for me when i came to the realization that my close friends would soon be leaving me (proximity wise). i worried that the distance would take its toll on our relationship with one another. how can you get closer to someone when you're far apart from them? it seems like an incredibly difficult task. and it is.

but what the Spirit opened my eyes to was this: there is no physical distance greater than the distance from us to God - He created the ENTIRE universe and we are on one small speck of it. so the physical distance between us is incredible. however, we can still draw close to God despite that enormous physical distance, through various ways. in fact, the distance makes no difference at all. in the same way, our long distance relationships with one another can parallel this truth. no matter how far apart we are physically, don't worry! it's possible that we could draw even CLOSER than before, and come to a deeper place of intimacy with one another.

that's just awesome. i've never looked at it in that way before. the unity and love between fellow believers in Christ is stronger than any distance on this earth! but when we are apart from one another, the times of fellowship that we do have with one another are just that much MORE cherished than if we constantly saw one another, because we all take things for granted. and in the time that we are apart from one another, God could be doing amazing things in our lives, and what joy and encouragement does it bring to us when we hear about these God stories in the lives of our dear friends?

i love the way paul describes his relationship with the colossian church, "For though I am absent from you in body, I am present with you in spirit and delight to see how orderly you are and how firm your faith in Christ is." (colossians 2:5 [NIV] i think we could all stand to learn from that mentality :)

the working life

July 23, 2003

it's been two days since i've started my job at inform media. after my first day yesterday, i came to a few realizations:

1) i could never do a normal 9-5 job like that. EVER. i came to this realization when i worked at UHS and now it just confirms it in my heart all the more. some people find satisifaction from doing the normal 9-5. i don't think i ever could. so what does this mean exactly? we'll see :)
2) i could not work in the design industry if i were to do what i'm doing now. there's simply too much pressure, and mind you, i'm barely doing anything. they give me projects, i work on them. but the problem is, i don't get the time that i'd normally put into a project, so i don't produce any kind of decent work IMO.

i'm still wondering why i'm there. haven't really figured that one out yet. i'm not interested in earning money. i'm not interesting in gaining experience in the design industry. but what my desires are of no significance because it's not my life. it's His. "I know, O LORD , that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps." jeremiah 10:23 [NIV] i'm praying that by my actions, people would see Christ. i'm praying that i'll be able to actually TALK to some of my co-workers and see where they stand with God. now THAT would make it all worthwhile. :)

working from 9-6 is pretty taxing on my time schedule, considering i have to do my 10 hrs for york every week, and still go to school. i don't know how i can handle all of this. but i trust that God'll work that all out for me.

OH, and an update about CTI. i have to reapply to them, even though i'm still on file. so i'm hoping i can get some available time to fill out the forms sometime soon. i'm thinking i might go for July/August instead of June/July, so i can go to summer school.

"if it weren't for Christians, i'd be a Christian"

monday has become my favourite day of the week. for two weeks now, i've gone down with the RHCBC people to do a sandwich run and help out at the soup kitchen (ICC). and it's been awesome! bobby has impressed me yet again with his amazing tupperwear for every single sandwich AND each bag of carrots. why you ask? because he doesn't want the sandwiches to get squished. yup. so this week, we were armed with tupperwear and more people. the team? bobby, steve, syd, me, amanda (go amanda!), tisha (don't know how to spell her name) and vanessa. i split off with steve and amanda. and bobby split off with syd, tisha and vanessa.

i saw a lot of interesting things and learned a lot yet again.

1) homeless people care deeply about one another - they would ask us to go to a certain place because their friends were there and they wanted them to have food

2) homeless people are surprisingly giving - and i don't mean to say that to stereotype or anything. we met a man who told us to give the food to someone who NEEDED It MORE! he was saying how there was a soup kitchen nearby, so he didn't need the food because he was going to get food from them. that floored me. "give it someone who NEEDS it more." i was thinking, hello, you need it more! you're part of the people who need it more!!" just how incredible is that?

3) a drunken homeless man was telling us not to forget about the needs in Markham so take this with a grain of salt. he was saying how Markham is slowly deteriorating and that it'll eventually end up to be like DT if measures aren't taken. interesting.

4) a woman by the name of karen (or kiwi) was saying that a lot of homeless people have wanted or want to know God. she was saying some other things, but i don't remember it! doh...

5) a big theme for the day: "if it weren't for Christians, i'd be a Christian". our friend earl (we met him last week) at the soup kitchen agreed with that statement wholeheartedely. so what does this world need? authentic, passionate lovers of Christ, in whom, the love and joy of Christ outpours into the lives of others through them. i was talking to jer last night (tuesday) and we both came onto this. islam is the fastest growing religion in the world right now. why? because muslims are active in their faith. their faith makes the news because they are rooted in action. i've seen it. i've read it. i've heard it. and as a result, more people come to faith in islam. but what about Christianity? i've rarely heard anything in the news about active Christians in the community. in fact, the only things i ever hear about are negative. instead of turning people to Christ, we turn them away because of our hypocrisy. "the greatest cause of aethiesm is Christians." (from the quote at the beginning of what if i stumble? - DC talk) how sad is that? this world DESPARATELY needs authentic, passionate lovers of Christ in action, word and thought. "Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us." 1 peter 2:12 [niv]

the goatee analogy

for the past two weeks, i've been growing out a goatee. it all began when amanda told me not to shave. actually, when we were in the village, i never looked into the mirror, so i had no idea how 'furry' i was until one day i found a mirror. but when i did realize how furry i was, i wanted to get rid of it! so i made a compromise with amanda (without telling her.. that's your eye amanda! hehe) that i would shave some of it away but let a goatee develop on me chin!

so two weeks pass, and eventually it's getting pretty long and crazy. i thought it was kinda fun, but i realized that you have to like maintain a goatee (who would have thought?) or else it gets way too long. and really, i don't have the patience to like 'trim' it every now and then. so i decided to get rid of it monday morning. i was not expecting what happened. i was actually having a pretty tough time shaving it off, because it was so long. it took me way longer than normal to shave it all away because there was so much of it. and then it hits me. it's a lot like sin, isn't it? if you let a sin harbour in your heart for days, weeks and maybe even years, it's bad news. because it'll just grow deeper and deeper.

have you ever been angry with someone for an extended period of time? the anger eventually develops into bitterness, which develops into hate. james 1:15 says this "Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." read it over again. "and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."

how does sin become full-grown? you let it grow. when you try to rid yourself of it, it's that much harder to get rid of than if you had gotten rid of it earlier. it's like my goatee. if i had shaved earlier, it would have been really easy. maybe a few swipes and it's all gone. but i let it go for two whole weeks, and by that time, it was bad news. i had to spend a long time to get rid of it. trust me friends, you do not want to battle with sin that's full-grown.

is there a way to prevent it? when you sin, don't let it linger over you. ask God for His forgiveness and repent right then and there! if you don't, and you carry the weight of sin over you during the day, you provide the opportunity for it to become full-grown. why carry the stench of sin on your shoulders when God wants to take it away and made you clean? i'm reminded of the shower analogy that the Spirit made alive to me some time ago. when we're dirty, we run to a shower to make ourselves clean. in the same way, let's run towards our Heavenly Father, if ever we stumble and fall. He'll be there to pick us up and restore us!

unexpected blessings!

July 19, 2003

when i got back from mexico, my mom informed me that a company called inform media had given me a call while i was away. i had contacted this company back in march to see if they had any summer positions but never heard anything from them. in any case, i gave the guy a call back last week and found out that he was interested in my work. i met up with him on thursday, and he offered me a summer position. it's more or less doing grunt work, but i get to work in a design studio with other designers. the pay isn't great, but when have i ever been concerned with money? it'll be a great learning experience. the cool thing is that this guy is a Christian. he goes to SCBC.

at the same time, my father told me that one of his patients (who is a graphic designer) was looking to contract out work. because he's going to be having a lot of work anytime now. i was supposed to meet with him on monday, but because i needed to give an answer to the inform media guy, i called him up yesterday and met with him at starbucks. i've come to realize that everyone likes to meet at starbucks! i have no idea why. in any case, this guy has been in the industry for 17 years. he's been running his own design company for about 3/4 years. it was pretty cool just listening to him share his experiences in the industry and he also gave me some advice:

1) always strive to overachieve any objectives
2) push the envelope as far as you can, clients will always push back
3) never be the best designer in a firm - you won't learn from anyone if you're the best
4) the sky's the limit
5) information architecture is useful for many things

he also told me that i had great potential and that i reminded him of himself when he was younger. it was really encouraging. i don't plan to enter the design industry, but i guess it doesn't hurt to know things about it. i've been trying to piece together how design fits into my life. and slowly, i'm beginning to see it. take the advice he gave me, and apply it to planning a church service, program. it applies! God deserves are best, our excellence! i believe God's given us the gift of creativity, and we should use that for His kingdom purposes. so why not be creative with how we approach planning a worship service? it could help to edify the body in a unique way that really strikes a chord with people.

i feel as if God's just pouring out these blessings upon me. i didn't ask for a job. i already work at york part time. i did, however, ask that God would just show me what's in store for the rest of the summer after the missions trip. and it's just cool, i mean God gives me two opportunities! it's awesome! so undeserving i am, but yet He chooses to lavish me with these blessings. but i must say, the word blessing doesn't have to and should not be equated with a 'positive outcome'. the hardships in our lives are also blessings! why? because God knows what's best for us. :)

and so, i begin my job with inform media on tuesday. i think i'll still need to iron out some of the details, because he said minimum i have to work 30 hrs a week. and i think that's all i can do. i very much want to stick with the sandwich runs and soup kitchen on mondays, so i'll have to discuss that with him.

i'll end with a verse from romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." amen!

would you believe it?

July 15, 2003

i'm baaaaaaaack! okay, most of you already knew that. i haven't had a chance to really sit down and contemplate over what has happened in my past 10 days in mexico. i feel like a part of me still clings to all that happened there, thus my suitcase is still sitting upstairs, unpacked. i've been sharing my experiences with the people that care to know, but i find them very generic. when i sit and wonder what God has done through ME or what God has taught me, i probably wouldn't have much to say. no, i do not mean that God didn't use me or teach me anything, i'm saying that i haven't really thought about it a whole lot. i will, at some point.

but the point of this entry is not to discuss my mexico trip, and if i have to sum it up in a few words, i'll steal rachel's phrase and say it was "amazingly wonderful" :) at which point, i'll discuss that further at some later date.

i had the wonderful privilege of heading DT yesterday with some of the RHCBC crew: steve, syd & bobby. i've been desiring to just really get involved in the 'community' over the past few months, and when i learned that casey and the other guys were helping out at the soup kitchen (ICC) on monday nights, i desparately wanted to join them. but being in my design class, it just wasn't at all possible seeing that i had class monday nights. anyhoo, apparently they not only do soup kitchen on monday nights, but ALSO sandwich runs as well! when i talked with syd yesterday morning, i was really excited :) i've ALSO been wanting to join them on sandwich runs, but class has also gotten in the way!

so we met at bobby's house and put the sandwiches together. now, this in itself was really amazing. these sandwiches weren't like the, "okay, we're doing a sandwich run, we need sandwiches" type. it was like, 'HEY, we're going on a sandwich run today! let's make sandwiches!" not descriptive enough? they made some high quality sandwiches. like these are some good looking sandwiches and you could totally tell that there's thought and effort put into them. along with the sandwiches, were a bag of baby carrots. and of course, a drink to wash it all down with, but wait! you could have a choice of grape, orange OR fruit punch! yup, that's right people. there were OPTIONS for drinks. i was totally amazed by all of this!

when we got to downtown, we prayed at nathan's phillip square and started our run. since syd and bobby are pros, they know that the park beside st. michael's hospital has a ton of people there. so we headed towards that direction. we met up with a guy named ricky and kathy (i believe is his wife?). ricky is an AMAZING artiste! he makes these crazy soap carvings. we watched him make a Jesus soap carving and watched him make a carving of michael with a lightning sword ruckusing satan (we didn't get to see him finish that one). he talked a lot about his thoughts and feelings about everything while he was carving. and from what i understood, he's a Christian. and he delights in making the soap carvings because he gets to tell people about Jesus. the Jesus carving was cool because he uses the "LIFE" soap brand, and so on the back of the carving was the word LIFE (from the soap) and he drew a Cross across it, because the Cross brings life :) how cool is that? ricky was sharing how money wasn't everything, and how sad it was that our society has fallen into materialism. this is coming from a homeless person! so cool.

i learned a lot just by watching ricky carve the soap carvings. it reminded me of how important it is for us to remain in God (john 15:5). i mean, i couldn't possible envision how ricky came out with the final product when he began with a piece of soap. it was incredible. absolutely incredible. but that's how God is with us. He knows what the final product will be like. He knows what to do. He knows how to shape and mold our lives. and so we can't understand all that He does. because we have no idea what the big picture is. so when adversity and hardship comes, have no fear. God is refining you. He's making you into the person He wants you to be! and i believe God delights in the entire process, like ricky did. what's really important to remember, however, is that you HAVE to remain in God. ricky couldn't complete the carving if the soap wasn't in his hands. it would just remain in whatever state it was in. and in the same way, if we don't remain in God, it's bad news. i can't say that God can't mold us and refine us when we are far or away from Him, because i don't believe that. God is capable of anything. but i do believe when we aren't remaining in God, then it makes the process that much more difficult and much longer.

we eventually said goodbye to ricky, and moved onto the park. what i learned was, that there are homeless people that don't look like homeless people. their clothes look fine and their appearance would be the same of that of you and me. but appearances are deceiving. we gave out all of our remaining sandwiches (18) in the park. people in the park would see that we were giving out food and they would come and approach us asking for food. at one point, we met a lady named penny. and she shared a bit of her story with us. it broke my heart. her husband passed away recently. and the night before, they had a big fight and she threw him out of the place they were living at. the next morning, she found her husband dead. my heart broke for her. while we were praying for her and her friend, she broke down in tears. she didn't stay long with us, because a guy named tim wanted to go for a walk with her or something. so they left right after we finished praying for them. so please pray for her. that God's love would overwhelm her heart and she would know that there's a loving Savior that cares about her so much that He died for her.

we also met a guy named brian. he told us something that really opened my eyes. he told us of how he's been in and out of the streets. and at one point, he wrote an article for CBC (i think), outlining the conditions of the homeless in toronto and how he felt about it. we learned that some of the hostiles are so run down, that the homeless people CHOOSE to live on the streets instead of being in the hostiles because it's SAFER for them. what in the world are the point of hostiles if they are so run down that people are choosing NOT to stay there? brian was saying how there needs to be more control in hostiles, of how people are admitted into them and what not. who would of thought? when brian left, he was saying that the only reason that he's off drugs and that he's been taking his medication (he's got bi-polar personality) was because of God. it's only by God that he's been pressing on despite all that's happened and all that he's seen. amen.

we headed over to ICC after resting for a bit at eaton's centre (sitting is great!). we took out their garbage for them and just hung around and talked with some of the people. i didn't really do anything to be honest. i didn't want to disturb people while they were eating. i mean, i don't like being disturbed when i'm eating, so i figured they'd think the same. i'm probably wrong on that one. anyway, i sat with a guy that bobby was talking to. his name was earl. and we just sat talking with him for probably an hour or so. about everything. it was cool! y'know the thought of just sitting down and talking with homeless people has NEVER occured to me. like asking for their names and learning their life's story. i don't think we've ever done that on any sandwich runs i've been on. but why don't we? they are people too. God loves them just the same as He does us! and i think they appreciate having someone talking to them and listening to their stories. so i'm excited for the next mondays to come. :) VERY excited :)