... in utter awe (a response to the passion of the Christ)

February 29, 2004

while a completely wordless entry would describe exactly my response to "the passion of the Christ", it wouldn't document that state of mind in a tangible way. i am stunned, in utter awe, in complete and total shock. when the movie ended, i just sat there. dumbfounded. i would have continued to sat there, but the credits were over and it was time to get out of the theatre so the employees could clean up the place. i have not said anything at all to my parents in the car on the drove home or since we've been at the house. because, frankly, i can't say anything. i don't know what to say.

i've always known that Christ's death was gruesome. it's one of those things you learn about when you grow in the church as a kid. and it's one of those things you take for granted the easiest. but knowing something and actually really thinking about it, imagining it, feeling it, is a completely different story. that's what happened for me tonight. the first time i've really come to grips with the magnitude, the depth, the richness, the unfathomable love of God in the life of Jesus Christ through the Cross for all of mankind, and more specifically me. the only other time i've really begun to wrap around what the Cross really entailed was during my mission trip in mexico with YWAM. they put on a drama of the crucifixation, and at the time, it was the most realistic depiction of it i've ever encountered. but that pales in comparison to this movie. and while i am at a loss for words in response to the movie, i'm sure all the things i saw, felt, heard on screen tonight would be heightened that much more if i were actually there, some 2000 years ago when it all happened.

i've heard a lot of things about this movie before seeing it tonight, and to be honest, i was somewhat scared to see it because i was afraid of the things i might see. and the reality was, it was really hard to watch. not because it was about a man who was tortured by the worst means possible (which makes it in itself very hard to watch - who would want to watch something like that?), but because the reason why that man was tortured was because of me, because of you, because of us, out of the love God had for us. mary was one of the central focuses in the entire movie, and it shows the range of emotions she felt for her son, especially the grief, the pain, the desire for her to do whatever she could to stop her son from suffering. and i imagine how much more that would have been for God, to sent HIS only Son to die for the world in the worst death imaginable even though He is God....

it's insane to think that the Son of God allowed Himself to be publically humiliated, spit upon, mocked, beat up, and insulted without any kind of retilation when He could have, at any time, proven that He was God in the blink of an eye. why suffer through all that? why bear all of that? if i were in His shoes, i more than likely would have proven all my abilities. but He didn't. He didn't even complain ONCE. it was all out of His love for us and out of pure humility. it's unbelievable. it's crazy. it's preposterous. it's unfathomable that this huge, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient God, the creator of the ENTIRE universe would do something like that! it's totally off the wall.

this movie has really brought new life to what "taking up the cross" entails... and to the words that paul wrote in philippians 3:10 "i want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death"

so what's my response? i need to stop being so fickle about the things in life, and get my perspective off of me and my feelings and emotions and unto Him for who am i in comparison to such an Almighty God?. i need to cherish Jesus Christ and the Cross much more than i do now. i need to be willing to sacrifice my life for Him, to completely surrender myself to Him in all things, at all times. i need to love Him, the way He loved me, with wreckless and total abandon.

my desire is simple this: the reality of the Cross would create in me a greater desire, thirst and passion for my loving Saviour that would manifest in all my words, thoughts and actions for the purpose of magnifying the glory of God and His greatness to all nations.

"but He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed. we all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all. He was oppressed and afflicted, yet He did not open his mouth; He was led like a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is silent, so He did not open His mouth." (isaiah 53:5-7 [NIV])

on shyness

February 26, 2004

my teacher on monday said something about shyness that really got me thinking. according to him, he believes shyness to be a choice. he thinks shyness in a person is a result of an habitual action, serving some kind of specific purpose at one point or another in their life. and so, one who is continually shy, continues to make a choice about being shy since they are still clinging to that habitual action. he also made a differentiation of introversion and extroversion. he believes an introvert is one who simply prefers to look inside instead of to others. what shocked me was that he considered himself introverted, when in my definition, he's extroverted.

in any case, when i talked to him about my shyness issue, he told me it's something that i need to explore and really investigate. and you know what? initially, a part of me wanted to throw the whole idea out the window because i thought it was ludicrous to me. who would make a choice to be shy? why would anyone want to do that? do you think shy people like being shy? i certainly don't. i wish i could i be more outgoing sometimes, but i can't. i'm just not wired that way. all these excuses rose up in me, and before i was about to barrage him with all of these points, i stopped to think about it.

as i reflect on my life, i realize that i've used shyness as an excuse for a lot of things.

"it's hard for me to talk to people because i'm shy"

"oh i can't do that. i'm shy"

"put me in an environment with people i don't know, and i won't say a word, cuz i'm shy"

"i'm shy, i'm shy, i'm shy"

it's a resounding phrase that doesn't seem to leave my head. and while i don't complete agree with his stance on shyness, i don't totally disagree with it either. i think shyness has affected me in more ways than i've imagined, and that it runs deeper than i know. voice and speech (the class i'm taking) is all about freeing your voice and making choices about your voice, so that you can communicate with others more effectively. he's noticed that i tend to trail off on the end of my sentences, as if i'm apologizing every time i say something. he's noticed that in another guy in the class that's also shy, a guy that i can totally relate with.

something i've realized over the past while is that i really value what others think of me, and from that, the words i say and the things i do are affected by that. i'll refrain from doing something if someone would think ill of me afterwards. i refrain from saying things if it would make someone think less of me. and so what i've really done, is suppress things that i want to do or say. i'm not willing to take risks if it'll make a fool of me. i'm afraid to confront people because i don't want to 'offend them'. in acting class, i'm almost always unwilling to improv, because i don't know what i'm doing and i'm worried how people will perceive me. i'll refrain from taking risks and venturing out into uncharted territory because i'm caught up with my own self-image.

the root of all this is the root that exists in every human being on planet earth. that's the need to be loved. and so, this need of ours, dictates the things we do and say, because we're afraid that people won't love us for who we are. so we hide, we mask, we present only the sides of us to the world that we want seen. isn't it wonderful that God looks beyond all of that and loves us just the way we are? no matter what we've done, thought or said, God's love supercedes all of that. and all He wants us to do is to a) allow Him to love us like that and b) to love Him in return. my need and desire to be accepted and loved by others needs to be found in God, because i'm looking in the wrong places for it. i'm not saying there's anything wrong with allow ourselves to be accepted and loved by others, because there's place for that. but if we're going to others first, then we're in trouble. in this life, all we need is God. He is all-satisfying of every desire and need we have. and i need to wrap my heart around that. we need to wrap our hearts around that.

when i think about my earlier childhood years, i don't think i was really that shy. i interacted with a lot of people in elementary school and never recall using shyness as an excuse for anything. so something changed from them until now. something radically changed. and you know what, i think it has something to do with my faith in Christ. as Christians, we are to walk in a way that reflects Christ (see philippians 1:27), and so we must be careful of the things we say or do. if i reacted to everything the way i wanted to, or said everything i thought, believe me, there would be a lot people that would be offended. and there would be a lot of people who wouldn't like me. but at the same time, as a Christian, i'm not supposed to be a push-over either or to simply be "mr. nice guy".

Jesus wasn't a "nice guy". he was a wild man. the things he did were not tame. in mark 11, when Jesus went into the temple and saw that it was being used for selling merchandise, He went nuts. He pushed over tables and wouldn't allow anyone to pass through the temple courts who was carrying merchandise. that isn't the act of a "nice guy". i think i've held onto this mentality of being a "nice guy" for way too long, and have used as an excuse to be shy, to not speak up and avoid issues. i've somehow mixed up my self-image to be found in others, rather than in God. add all of these factors together, and you have me, shy leo.

i think God's trying to radically shift my paradigm. i've been holding the wrong paradigm for years and it's time for it to change. it's time that i stepped out in the life that God's called me to, and to not be afraid of risking it all for Him, not caring of what people think of me, because at the end of the day, it shouldn't ever be about me, but all about Him.

"for God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." (2 timothy 1:7 [NIV])

making a difference

February 25, 2004

i've never realized how much the things i say can affect others. and perhaps, more specifically, how much my life can affect others.

before class today, i was standing in the hallway eating my lunch. i was looking at some of the new student work that was posted on the walls, when a girl in my class came up to me to say hello. she's a girl that i've been getting to know a bit more this year, but i still don't know her very well. however, we're in the same group for one of our design classes. recently, she mentioned to me in an e-mail that "i'm always so helpful" because i've been trying to keep our group members (her included) posted of what's going on in class and such. that made my day!

some of her work is being displayed in the design show at york, so i told her that i really liked her work (because i really do). i was not prepared for the response she gave me. what she said to me really struck me. i can't exactly remember what she said, but she turned to me and it went something like this:

"thank you leo. that really means a lot to me..."

she pauses.

"i don't know why"

i shrug my shoulders, sort of smile and continue my thought about liking her work.

she continues.

"thank you leo. it means a lot to me because it's from you... because you're you. you're leo!"

"you're so sincere about what you say.. it's not like others who just say 'oh it's good' and not mean it"

i didn't know how to respond to that, except smile back. i couldn't believe that something so simple like that could turn into something more meaningful. after all, it was a simple comment about liking her designs. but it meant something to her because it was sincere and genuine. and it meant a lot to me, because i hadn't realized that my life could affect others like that, especially people i'm not really close with.

i've always believed that the biggest sphere of influence we have, are on the people around us. but i've always imagined that to being people i'm closest with, and not realizing that the 'people around us' could also include the people i don't know as well too. but why wouldn't it? the people around me still see what i do and hear what i say.

i've felt that God's been stretching me this semester to get to know more people in my program, since the one girl i have a burden to pray for left our program at the beginning of this year. perhaps this is a way of God showing me the lives of those around me in my sphere of influence that i've never really paid much attention to?

i've been reading the book "wild at heart" by john eldredge and came across the following passage recently: "don't ask yourself what the world needs. ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive" (p. 200). that passage hit me like a ton of bricks. so far, i've concluded one of the things that really makes me come alive is connecting with people and having an impact on them.

as Christians, we are to go out into the world and proclaim the Good News. the best way we can do that, is by living lives that exemplify and magnify Jesus Christ in all things and being prepared to give an answer for that hope that we have. so, even if you feel like you're living a life that's not really making a "difference" on those around you, remember that your actions and attitudes speak much louder than words. and remember that people do notice the life you lead, even if they don't know you very well or vice versa. when we are living for the glory of God in all things, people will take notice.

"let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven" (matthew 5:16 [NIV])

run? part II

there was something i didn't realize in taking the two theatre classes. while i knew it would be challenging for me to be in the courses, i didn't realize that it would remain challenging. i forgot that i would have to persevere through it if things got tougher. my problem was, that i didn't think it'd get any tougher. but it did. i was handed back one of my assignments (several weeks ago) and didn't do as well as i had thought, despite the efforts i put into the paper. it was so much of a disappointment to me, that i wanted to drop the course again. and i wanted to drop it bad. isn't that so reflective of our first instinct in human nature? when you put your best effort into something and you fail, you run, you quit, you abandon whatever it is that you were doing and try something else.

i've never been like that though. i've always persisted. i'm one that'll tough things out until i achieve what i set out to do. i remember way back when i took swimming lessons and i reached the grey level at a really young age. i was much younger than everyone else in the class, and as such, i wasn't strong enough to pass the course. i took the class six times before i passed it! that's right, six times. talk about falling off the horse time and time again. but that didn't stop me. my mind was made up, i was going to pass the course and i did, through perseverance.

of course, it's all easier said than done. perseverance isn't easy, especially in the midst of disappointment and failure, but it's necessary. it's a matter of perspective and setting our eyes on the goal, not on the circumstance. if we're willing to be stretched in our faith, then we need to be prepared for the long haul, because it'll get inevitably get tough. there will be things that happen that we don't expect. there will be things that happen that may even disappoint us. if we aren't ready to persevere and stick it through, our desire to be stretched will simply fade away.

i can't think of a better example of perseverance than Christ's death on the cross for us. it epitomizes what perseverance entails. can you imagine what it would have been like for Him to hang on the cross, when He could have at ANY TIME, called an arsenal of angels at His command to take Him down in the blink of an eye? but He didn't. He chose not to. He knew what He had to, despite the incredible pain and suffering He had to endure. and since none of us know what that's like, read some of the comments on the "passion of the Christ" from the toronto star today.

"this movie is little else besides a depiction of punishment so ruthless and unyielding that watching it unfold feels like punishment" - newsday

"this is the most violent film i have ever seen" - roger ebert

"more obsessed with capturing every holy drop of martyr's blood and sacred globe of flesh than with any message of Christian love" - the boston globe

"if torture is your idea of redemption, you can get it here on both sides of the screen" - the toronto star

the world is shocked at the brutality and violence that is depicted in the movie. and most of them think it's just a movie or a myth. but that's what really happened. that's what Jesus persevered through for us. and that's the kind of perseverance we should strive for. sure, it's highly unlikely that any of us would ever be subjected to those circumstances, but nonetheless, that's what perseverance entails. fixing our eyes solely on the prize, and going after it with all we've got.

"may the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance" (2 thessalonians 3:5 [NIV])