down, but not out

June 14, 2004

the past five months have been more taxing on me than i thought or realized. as of late january, i began experiencing pain in my left hand. i made a trip to see my doctor about this. i suspected that it was repetitive strain injury (aka RSI), but i had to be certain. some weeks passed and the pain still persisted. it was confirmed. this thing that i have dreaded for so long finally happened to me.

i had to stop a lot of activities because i didn't want to injure my hand further, like playing guitar, bass, tennis, working out, etc. and, activities like driving, typing, turning, lifting, opening objects became more difficult as the pain developed. it wasn't easy. in fact it was really hard. i was angry with God. why would He allow this to happen? it didn't make any sense. i was supposed to go on a missions trip in july playing bass. how was i going to do that if my hand was injured? but it wasn't just my hand that really bothered me. it was the fact that i had already bien walking through the hardest part of my life in the past few months before it happened. there were days, many days, that i wanted to give up and walk away from my faith.

i remember waking up every morning hoping that God would heal my hand, but it never happened. so day after day, my spirits would be crushed and i spiraled down and down without even noticing it. there was very little hope for me. the pain wasn't going to go away. and, as time progressed, it got worse. it got to a point where i couldn't even type because the pain was so severe.

i decided to do whatever i could to try and help my hand. i bought an ergonomic keyboard, i switched computer desks and in the beginning of march, i started to go to physiotherapy. i figured that it would help. in fact, they even said that it wasn't that bad. finally, some good news. but, more time passed on and nothing really changed. it became harder and harder to trust God. every day i would pray and nothing would happen. ever feel like your prayers are bouncing off the ceiling?

in april, i went to vancouver for an internship. for every sunday that i was there, i felt that God was trying to encourage me about my situation. i wanted to believe Him, but i couldn't. i just couldn't.

throughout this duration of time ( and even to present-day), people always forgot that i had RSI. they'd mention in passing an activity that we should do together (one that i couldn't do because of RSI), and i would always have to remind them that i couldn't do it. and that, along with the pain, was a constant reminder for me that it wasn't getting any better. i became more and more worried. would going on my missions trip make my hand worse? i tried playing guitar for ten minutes one week (in may) to see how it would feel. the following week, my hand hurt like crazy. how was i going to be able to go on my missions trip?

there was only one thing that i knew in all of this: God called me to the trip this summer. i knew it in my heart of hearts. so i tried to walk in faith, despite how difficult it was. some people (Christians) would even ask me why i was still going. as if it wasn't hard enough on me already to have faith; i didn't need more opinions to bring me down.

once again, i figured that i wasn't doing enough. so, as of late may, i decided to try voice recognition software instead of typing, combined with acupuncture and laser therapy.

there's an old saying that says " when it rains, it pours." early in june, i began noticing pain in my right hand, symptoms of RSI. i wasn't sure if i had strained my right hand or if it was RSI. so i waited to see. the pain persisted, and i knew. so, here i was, only a month to go before my trip and i had pain in both my hands because of RSI. i don't think i could have gotten any lower.

but, God knows exactly what we need and He knows exactly when to give us what we need. last week, i had the wonderful privilege of going to an arts conference at willowcreek (i had no expectations prior to going). and, while i learned a lot, more importantly, was that God met me and He gave me what i needed; Him. i realized that i had lost my hope, even my faith to some degree. i realized that while i was wounded in my hands, i was wounded even more in my heart and it took my brokeness and a holy God to help me see that. i also realized that i might have even prayed for this (RSI). last fall, i remember asking God to give me His favour, knowing that His favour may be difficult (re: david nasser's sermon at 7:22).

and while the pain still exists, and the future remains uncertains, i know that God is in control and that He is faithful. it won't be easy. the pain is a reality of my life now and i have to face it many times during the day, but it's okay. because He is the joy of my salvation. He is my strength. He is my refuge. He is my strong tower. He makes the weak strong. and that's who and what i will bank my hope on.

when we lose hope, our perspective remains on what is in front of us, not on above, and that is a very dangerous place to be. no matter how tough life gets, always, always put your trust in God. He is faithful (psalm 33:4). He works for the good of those who love Him (romans 8:28). He will carry on the good work that He started in you (philippians 1:6). He is in control (jeremiah 29:11). He knows what's best (proverbs 3:5-6).

"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." - isaiah 40:31