suffering for the glory of God

September 8, 2004

when bad things happen, our natural tendency is to ask the question, "why me?" we wonder why the circumstance had to affect our life, and so other questions follow, "why now?" or "why this?" or even "why not someone else?" we may even think that God is not a loving God, that He's stopped caring for us, that perhaps He's punishing us, and a myriad of other things about Him, or question why God would "allow bad things to happen to good people" (us being the 'good people'). in other words, the big question, is "why?" and i would like to suggest the answer to be this, "why not?"

our lives should be all about Him and not about us. we talk about living our lives for God, we talk about doing everything Him and not for us, but a lot of it is just that, talk. when push comes to shove, if we're really honest, more often than not, our lives are really about us. think about how you pray for example. a lot of us often and perhaps solely pray for ourselves. we pray for God to meet our needs, to lead and guide us, to speak to us, to do this and that, for US. do you see a common trend here? our prayers are about US, and not Him.

this kind of all about me mentality trickles down to our attitudes, to the way we react to circumstances, and to the way we interact with people. a lot of times, when things don't go our way, we get upset, we grumble, we complain. it becomes all about us and the things that aren't meeting our expectations, our 'needs', our schedule. and so when bad things happen, when suffering happens, a lot of the time it becomes about us. why shouldn't it after all? it's happening to us! it's all about me, me, me. deliver me from my situation. pray for me. answer me. i'm not saying that it's bad to have these responses either, we need to be honest with God about how we're feeling, BUT if we're people living for the glory of God, everything should all about Him.

but i do i know what it's like to think these things, to ask these questions, time and time again. i've been there many times this past year. i know what it's like to hit rock bottom, over and over again, wondering why God allowed me to go through so much, wondering why God would think i could get through it, wondering why did it had to be my brother, wondering why i'd have to deal with RSI after i had been and still was through such a tough storm (as if i hadn't been low enough), wondering basically, why me. and sometimes, why not someone else? why coudln't He choose someone else for all of this?

one night in june, while sitting on the bench in the park beside my house, i was having a chat with God. i was thinking about how huge God was and i was thinking about how long i had been afflicted with RSI. i realized something. i realized that a lot of the prayers i offered to God where about me. i had been asking for months on end for Him to heal me, for Him to do in a miracle in me for His glory (what a prayer, huh?), etc., etc., etc. and so, i confessed that to God. and i asked Him if it (the circumstance i was in with RSI in both hands) could somehow be all about Him.

His answer to me was simple. He chose me to suffer for His glorification. i had to think about that for a second (and i'm still thinking about it now). God, this huge, infinite, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, God chose me (a person who is nothing but a speck of dust in comparison) to suffer for His glorification. it blew my mind. thinking that infinite God, who created the entire universe, would select me for His glorification through suffering. it was an honour, a privilege, not something i should be complaining about or asking God to remove from me and/or give it to someone else. i had the chance to be part of God's glorification of Himself! wow. it was so huge.

God's highest concern is Himself and His glorification, and to be a part of that, to be selected for it, to be hand chosen for it, that blows me away. it really does. Christ endured suffering for the joy set before Him (hebrews 12:2). He knew that His suffering would ultimately result in the glorifcation of God. if we want to be like Christ, we need to embrace this understanding.

present day, i've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia (FM) syndrome (last wednesday). the specialist said i didn't have RSI as i had previously thought. since FM is not a disease, it's not easy to diagnose. you have to figure out what it's not, before what it is. FM is a chronic condition that affects the entire body, with a long list of symptoms. it's not curable, but it is treatable. and while it came to me as quite a shock, i've been thankful that God's been showing me so much about the kind of balanced life i need to live since having FM (when i thought it was RSI). i realized that i swang way too much weight towards school, none towards my physical health, and very little towards other things. i also would have missed out on learning such amazing lessons on servanthood from my teammates had i not had FM. and now going back to school, i believe there's a lot of opportunities to share with my classmates. i have to wear two forearm braces, a shoulder of 8 brace, as well as take some medication for FM. the forearm braces are conversation starters! and so i'm praying that God'll use this for His glorification, that He would use what i've been through for Him.

today, i was diagnosed with two forms of the herpes virus. i have a ton of cold sores in my mouth (several on my inner lips, under my tongue and the botom of my mouth) and a pretty severe rash on both sides of my neck (known as shingles, or chicken pox 2) that causes pain when i move my neck. there's more to shingles, but that's what has manifested at this point.

i would be lying if i said it wasn't difficult to hear the news about being diagnosed with FM and then later being diagnosed with this herpes virus. sometimes i feel like job #2. i feel like the devil is trying to break my spirits, trying to throw whatever he's got in his arsenal at me and that God is allowing him to do it. i know God is refining me, deepening my faith in Him through all these trials this past year, but it's still not easy. i'm at a point in my life where i know God is in control of every single thing and He knows what's best. i honestly believe that with every fibre of my being, and that all i need to do is believe Him for who He is and trust Him with everything. though i know now what Jesus was saying when He said the spirit is willing, but the body is weak (matt. 26:41). apparently FM and the herpes virus can arise out of stress, and considering what my family's been through this past year, i wouldn't be surprised if that's been a big contributing factor.

but, through all the physical pain that i've been experiencing, i've learned that it's not about me. it's never been supposed to be about me. this life i have isn't mine anyway. in the words of jeremiah, "i know, O LORD , that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps." (jeremiah 10:23 [NIV]) God has entrusted us with the lives He's given us. our lives are for Him. it's all for Him. it's all about Him. and that's how we need to live and move. all of us for all of Him, for His glorification in all things.

remember, suffering is a privilege, an honour, something that refines the very nature of who we are to become more like Christ and to glorify God. amen!

"dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. but rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed." - 1 peter 4:12-13

reflection on cti 2004

September 5, 2004

this past summer with CTI has been amazing (for lack of better words). i am so thankful that God gave me the privilege of joining a summer tour and then reaffirming me to go when the circumstances around me seemed so bleak. i would have never imagined that by stepping out in faith, by making a simple decision to go, God would move in ways and do things that i would have never imagined. there are so many things i could share about what i've learned and experienced during this trip, but to keep things focused, there are four main lessons i've taken to heart: faith, servant hood, community and influence.

on faith
making the decision to go to CTI was perhaps the most uncertain decision i've ever made in my life. and i'm not talking about the decision to join CTI, i'm talking about actually going on the summer tour after all the funds were raised and all the documentation was sent in. in late january, i developed what i thought (as well as doctors) was a syndrome known as repetitive strain injury (aka RSI) in my left hand and then in my right hand in early june. this severely affected my ability to do a lot of things with my hands, including the ability to play bass (my supposed position on the team). my worst fear with going on tour was that i'd worsen the situation with my hands and permanently damage them. i knew by staying at home, things would get better. staying at home meant safety; going on tour meant a lot of uncertainty.

as if this wasn't enough, two weeks prior to my supposed leaving date, i fell ill to a sinus cold/flu. i had a high fever, was tired all the time, had severe pains in my throat, to name a few, that kept me at home almost all day. i knew that this was the devil having a field day on me.

my parents, and others, concerned for my health and well-being expressed that perhaps all these circumstances pointed toward not going. and i even began contemplating staying back. i did not want to be a stumbling block for my team, and if there was someone more able to go than me, i would have much rather they go in my place.

i began to pray and ask God to show me what to do. i talked to CTI and began to explain that i wasn't getting much better as i hoped and asked them if they still wanted me to come. they said yes. about a week prior to my scheduled departure, i visited my doctor regarding my health issues. at this point, i had pretty much decided that i wouldn't be going. i asked him if i'd be okay to fly, and he said it should be no problem. one excuse gone. next, i went to see another doctor he was working on my hands. my mom asked him if i could play bass, and he thought it would be fine, maybe 30 minutes to one hour a day. i was totally floored. i knew this was God confirming with me to go, but i was still scared. i e-mailed CTI once more, explaining that there was a potentiality of me not being able to play bass whatsoever, and the fact that i wouldn't be able to do much physically. once again, they responded saying that they still wanted me to come. by this point, i had no more excuses. i knew God wanted me to step out in faith despite the circumstances of my physical health (including RSI) and just trust Him, and believe that He had everything in control. and so that's what i did; i stepped out in obedience.

i had no idea that during my trip, i would meet a man (mario) in cayman islands who had suffered from RSI and had gotten through it. the amount of encouragement and hope that i had received from him was such a blessing to me. and it was definitely a God-ordained meeting. who would have thought that i would meet a person who went through what i was going through, who knew how it felt (ie. depression) to have RSI, who knew of ways to get better, and who knew ways of adjusting the way you played bass so you were less prone of injury. i simply had no idea. and i didn't know that by going, my hands would in fact get better. the thing i dreaded the most never happened, and it turned out to be the exact opposite! upon returning, i made a trip to the doctor who was working on my hands before the trip, and he was so amazed to see how much better my hands were than when i had left.

on servant hood
this past year, i realized how selfish i was. i realized that i never put other people's needs before my own (see philippians 2:4) and i didn't like that about myself. so i began to ask God to change my heart and i believe He began to do so before the trip. i also realized that i didn't like to let people serve me. i was all for serving others and helping others, but i wouldn't let people reciprocate it back. this also needed to change.

on the trip, i'd frequently ask God to show me how i could serve my team and even anticipate their needs in ways that i could serve them (because of my limitations). one of the ways for me to do this was to try and take care of them (especially when it came to drinking water!). in cayman islands, when we were helping to paint a youth centre, i made sure to remind everyone to take breaks and to keep hydrated. and to serve the team, i brought their water bottles out to them so they could drink it and not have to come inside to get it themselves. in grenada, the water was semi-sketchy to drink. i decided to boil the team water whenever i could, and fill up whatever water bottles were present in the house and throw in the freezer/fridge. that way, they'd have good, cool (a very important thing to have in the caribbean!) water to drink for the day. throughout the trip, i'd try to provide my team with things like hand sanitizer, medication (if needed), vitamin c (if needed), tissue, wet naps, etc.

on the flip side of things, i learned so much by being served by my team. because of the weakness in my hands and arms, i had to rely on my team for almost everything: this included lifting my bass, carrying and towing my carry-on bag (my luggage, all we could bring with us for the six week tour was one carry-on bag, so we didn't have a lot of clothes), opening water bottles, pouring myself drinks from jugs and bottles, turning faucets and taps, and a whole list of other things.

the biggest thing for me was washing clothes. we only had one opportunity to wash our clothes at a laundromat (in cayman islands, our first island). for the next four, we had to rely on hand washing. that meant i needed help with washing ALL my clothes. in barbados (second island), the girls offered one night to wash clothes for the boys. it was such an amazing service to the team and to me especially. i omitted my boxers and socks because of how gross i thought it was. in st. vincent (third island), i was running out of clean boxers and socks and i needed help. i didn't want to ask anyone because i thought it was too gross. but after speaking with a teammate, God used that conversation to tell me that i needed to get over myself and just ask someone. and so, reluctantly, i did. and to my surprise, one of my male teammates agreed. and not once did he complain about how gross it was (despite the fact that they smelled bad, the water turned black because of all the dirt in the socks, and the fact that some of the water got onto his shirt when he was washing), or go around telling everyone on the team what he did. he simply served me. his actions meant so much to me; i was completely floored. in antigua (fourth island), i was again in need of help. one of my girl teammates graciously offered to wash my clothes for me, having to stay up longer than she needed to (and she was already very tired that night). what an amazing sister! later on, i needed help to wash my boxers and socks. the same teammate that washed it for me in st. vincent, did it yet again. the same servant heart. the same amazing attitude. there were no words i could say to express my gratitude towards him, and there still aren't. his heart for the Lord blows me away.

on our last day together, we had a Q&A session (where all three teams were at the front of the church fielding questions, and friends, family, supporters, and whoever else wanted to hear about our trip, could ask questions from the pews). someone asked a question about what we learned about servant hood. did i have an answer for them! i knew before i spoke, that i would cry. and i did. there were absolutely no words that i could say to express the gratitude, the appreciation, the everything i felt towards my team. they were so amazing to me the entire tour, always more than willing to help me in whatever i needed, never complaining at all that they had to do those acts of service. and so through tears, i shared about how wonderful this group of people whom i had grown to love had taught me so much about servant hood, and ultimately about the character of Christ.

on community
it's been a while since i've known and experienced what real community is like. our team was a community where you could be yourself, share everything (and i do mean everything) you were thinking about or experiencing (even physical things), have your needs met by others, and know that people were praying for you even before you ask. it was also a community that suffered one when person suffered, and rejoiced when one person rejoice. we were truly living like a unified body of Christ, and it was so very refreshing to be a part of it.

our team's unity flourished in our first two weeks of training. i knew it firsthand; after sharing my testimony (crying the whole way through) with my team about the pain my family's been through this past year from my brother's death, my entire team came up and surrounded me on the stage, hugging me and praying for me. in that instant, the community and love i felt between my teammates was overwhelming. i was so amazed that in just two short weeks, we could become so close. and for the next four weeks, our community only became stronger and stronger to the point where the love we had for one another was visible to those watching us. a lady named faye (from YFC, who joined up with our team in barbados) shared that the way our team interacted and loved one another was awesome. she shared about how it was so evident to the people who saw us together, because she saw it herself.

on influence
during the first two weeks of training, we had about three to five hours of musical rehearsal a day. my doctor said i could probably play about 30 - 60 minutes a day at max. it ended up that i played anywhere between two to five songs on some days, and other days i would sit and watch. because of this, a lot of the times i felt really useless. i was the supposed bassist on the team, and all it felt like i was doing was watching. i began questioning God about my purpose on the trip and His response to me was simply that i was to "be myself." i didn't understand what that meant and to some degree i was rather unsatisfied with His answer. little did i know that my mere presence was more powerful than i realized. my team members later told me that it was really encouraging for them to see me sit there (aka. 'being myself') during rehearsal times because of my servant posture and attitude.

our ministry in the caribbean was very different from what we expected. one of the goals of CTI is to reach young people with the Gospel through music. this is what my team and i expected to do, but little did we know how vastly different the caribbean tour would be. this tour was a ground breaking tour for CTI and YFC as CTI had not been down in the caribbean for several years. as such, no one really knew what to expect. as a team, our purpose changed to building the local YFC (youth for Christ) chapters on each island that we visited and to encourage the local body of Christ. it was extremely difficult for our team to adjust our paradigm to that, and it was even more difficult to see our purpose and the effectiveness of our ministry. had our purpose been to share the Gospel, it would have been a lot easier to 'see' results (ie. people coming to Christ). however, in Christian ministry, a lot of times there isn't as much visibility. it's often hard to tell if or how God is moving in the hearts of people.

in spite of this, i realized something. i realized that by us 'being ourselves', by us living our lives for Christ was huge. as Christians, we carry the aroma of Christ wherever we go. and so wherever we go, people, Christian or not, should be able to smell the fragrance of Christ. picture a person wearing perfume or cologne walking into a room full of people. as that person walks by people in the room, everyone will smell their fragrance. it's the same with us. it doesn't even mean you need to declare to the world that you're a Christian and/or you need to start proclaiming the Gospel to everyone. by simply being yourself, God can move in ways that you never imagined. God can use you, as yourself, to affect those around you, simply by the way you live your life. 1 peter 2:12 [NIV] says this, "live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us." that's not to say that we don't need to use words either, 1 peter 3:15 [NIV] says, "always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." i think what it boils down to is this. as Christians, we should not downplay who we are. we shouldn't think that because we are simply one person, we have no power. Christ LIVES in us and if we're living our lives for Him, He can use our lives for His glorification and magnification. He can use the way we live our lives to influence and affect those around us.

closing
i am so thankful to God for allowing me the wonderful privilege of being on this summer tour. i am so thankful to God that he reminded me of His call to go, despite all my circumstances. i would have missed out on so much this summer had i not gone. i would have missed out on meeting some of the most incredible people i've ever met in my life. i would have missed out on seeing God transform lives (ours included) and seeing God move in ways that we could never have imagined. i would have missed out on meeting mario. i wouldn't have traded this summer experience for anything and there's nothing i would have rather done this summer. all i needed to do was to step out in faith and obedience and bank my hope and trust in God. God is so faithful. He works in ways that we cannot even fathom. and He is able to do so much more than we could ever know. all we ever need to do is trust Him in all things for all things.

"now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! amen." - ephesians 3:20-21 [NIV]