on the road marked with suffering

October 21, 2004

near the end of august, i was contemplating whether or not i should return back to school for my final year. i was very concerned with the situation with my hands and didn't want to risk further injury (from additional demands required by being in design). i was conflicted. i knew God had called me into design, specifically for the people. i had spent the past three years cultivating friendships with those around me, so it didn't make sense to me at all to stop. if i took a break for a year, i'd come back to graduate with a whole new class, a class i didn't know. it didn't add up. so i began to pray and seek God's direction. the week i was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (fm), was the week the confirmation came. i knew God wanted me to continue, despite my health condition. and i knew it'd be tough, but i had no idea how tough it would really be. let me say this, design is a hard enough program for a person who is in 100% health.

there was nothing that could ever prepare for me for the weeks to come and the downward spiral my health would take. these past two months have been another extremely challenging time in my life. a time in my life marked by physical, mental and emotional stress. the latter two resulting from the first.

here's my timeline of the past seven weeks

september 1st
nerve conduction study performed. nerves are reported to be fine. diagonsed with fibromyalgia syndrome, begin taking three types of medication: anti-inflammatory, anti-depressant & sleeping pill in hopes to alleviate pain symptoms. the doctor expected me to be pain free after four weeks of medication. i was very hopeful.

september 6th
development of several cold sores all throught the mouth.

september 7th
begin noticing severe blistering (about 50+ on each side) on both sides of my neck.

september 8th
diagonsed with two forms of the herpes virus: shingles (the blistering) and one for cold sores. these cold sores continued into early october. write a journal entry about suffering for the glory of God. i had no idea what suffering for the glory of God would be like over the longhual.

september 9th
fall classes begin. over the next three weeks, my energy levels dropped severely. i was tired all the time, suffering from extreme fatigue. to put it in context, if you've ever pulled an all nighter, you'd know that the next day is extremely hard to stay awake. this was the way i was like all the time, despite getting 8 hours of sleep each day. it was so bad that i literally had to fight to stay awake during the day. bouts of dizziness would come and go during the day, making it difficult to work for long periods of time. it also became a serious issue in terms of safety. driving was no longer an easy thing to do, as drowsiness could come at any time.

september 17th
met with program advisor to discuss health situation.

september 24th
begin to phase out medication. they were only makings things worse. phasing out medication resulted in mood swings and lack of energy.

september 25th
send out e-mail to program advisor saying the following:

"hi antonia!
 
sorry for not getting back to you earlier. to reiterate, i have fibromyalgia (FM for short) syndrome. it's a muscoskeletal pain and fatigue disorder. i was diagonsed with this about a week before the fall term began from a pain specialist. FM is pretty serious. it's a chronic condition with a long list of symptoms and associated symptoms (see http://www.fmnetnews.com/pages/basics.html for more info about FM). but while it is not curable it is treatable. however, even if a person with FM becomes 'well', flare-ups can occur at any time. the cause for FM is unknown at this point, but a huge factor is stress. reducing stress is key in treating FM.
 
i've been having pain in both my left and right hands, wrists and forearms since january and june 2004 respectively. my situation has only gotten worse since then. my arms and hands are both very weak and so my ability to use computers for long durations has been severely limited. i've made adjustments to my workstation at home to accomodate a more ergonomic friendly environment to hopefully reduce the amount of strain caused to my hands, including a special keyboard. my ability to work compared to last year is quite drastic. in terms of productivity, i probably only have about 25% of the speed that i did last year. so you can imagine how much longer it takes for me to do things now.
 
aside from the pain and weakness, i've been on medication prescribed by my doctor that has had caused extreme drowsiness for me. to put it frankly, it's been tough just fighting to stay awake during the daytime, let alone have time to do homework or anything else for that matter. the drowsiness comes and goes to. some times i'm more awake than others, but it will come out of nowhere, which makes it difficult to work effectively. though, chronic fatigue is also a symptom of FM.
 
that's what i'm dealing with right now. pain and extreme fatigue. i'd like to put my best efforts this year to graduate with my classmates, but i have big concerns with being able to meet deadlines on time. in all my years in design, i have not once asked for any extensions. i am a diligent worker and have met every single due date. that being said, in my present condition, i don't know if that will always be possible.
 
i'm currently enrolled in book design, workshop and professional aspects (for design courses this semseter). bill ross teaches me book design, andy tomcik teaches me workshop and ed naus teaches me professional aspects.
 
i 'should' be off my medication this coming friday, according to my doctor. but that depends on the situation with my body, only time will tell. that should help alleviate the fatigue situation, but i'll definitely keep you posted about that.
 
if you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.
 
best wishes,
 
leo chan"

october 1st
develop swimmer's ear. causes extreme dizzyness, spinning and general lack of energy. pretty much immobilized for the next few days. had to stay home

this day was one of the lowest points in my life. my doctor had expected me to be completely pain-free after four weeks of taking the prescribed medication. but i wasn't. i still had hand pains. the reason why i went to him in the first place was to figure out why i had pains and what i could do to get better. i NEVER complained about widespread muscle pain, or lack of energy levels.

i went through a month of hell taking medication that did nothing for my problem except give me huge side effects. my hope dropped. i had been trying so hard for the entire month, exercising at least four times a week, changing my eating habits, making sure i slept at regular times, and for 8 hours, taking at least 21 pills a day, going to acupressure at least once a week, seeing the doctor at least once a week, and despite all of that, my situation remained the same. in fact, it was much worse. plus the fact that i had been struggling through school for three weeks with huge amounts of stress. i was barely making deadlines, sometimes having to work right up until class was just about to begin and then rush to school. my productivity levels were about 25% of what it was like compared to the past three years. i simply didn't have enough time to do my work because of my physical limitations. taking care of my health became like a full time job. sometimes, i wouldn't begin my day until 5 pm, and that's from starting the day at 6 am!

i am not the type of person who leaves thing to the last minute, who is stressed about getting work done on time, because that's not giving your best for God. my grades, as a result began to drop by a whole letter point. i was so very frustrated. here i was in school, getting mediocre grades, barely staying alive, when i used to always be on top of the game with excellent grades. why was i in school again? my friends from school took notice. leo, the hard-working individual who was rarely stressed, was now barely meeting deadlines with high stress. what was going on?

i didn't know why i had to go through all of that. what was the purpose of it? i couldn't stand it anymore. why was God allowing all of this to happen? how could He be glorified through this? why would He call me back to school when it would be so hard to do it? my hope died. everything started to matter less and less to me, including my faith. i was upset, angry, frustrated and confused. i stopped praying and reading the Bible. i stopped caring. what was the point? where was God in all of this? i couldn't deal it with anymore. i knew the devil was attacking me, and beating me down. and i was letting him. i didn't have the strength or the will to fight back.

my parents were obviously very concerned, and i was to a certain degree. i forced myself to listen to Christian music. after all, how could i ever leave my God after everything that i've experienced? after everything He's done for me? i couldn't, despite how much i wanted to.

widespread muscle pain begins to develop: neck, shoulders, back, waist, feet, and of course, hands, wrists and forearms.

october 7th
my e-mail was forwarded to all faculty members by my program advisor. receive e-mail from my professor.

"Leo,

Sorry to hear about your problems. I know I am not one of your current instructors, but I always liked your earnest and well-considered approaches to projects. This must be a hard burden to bear.

No sage advice here, just keeping doing what you do so well in spite of this setback. I hope that your instructors will be compassionate enough to give you the slack you need to graduate.

If you don’t mind, I will pray for you. It is a fact that persons surrounded by a caring (and praying) community do better than those who are not so blessed.

Hang in there and do what you can. I care for you."

how could God still be glorified through my situation? this was His response to me. my sphere of influences wasn't just my classmates, but also my professors and instructors.

october 18th
medication completely phased out. pains in hands, wrists increases tremendously (probably as a result of dropping the anti-inflammatory).

october 20th
flu like symptoms develop. causing extreme dizzyness & sore throat.

october 21st
going to class (sheridan) was very difficult. as i left the car, i banged my head on the car door hard. and as i was walking up the stairs to class, i tripped and fell.

other
i'm the chairperson of the university fellowship (SALT) at my church. that's also been a great deal of stress, especially september. we had a lot of leadership issues (lacking leaders), so we had to crisis manage a lot of the times and modify our goals, objectives, etc., to accomodate for it.

present day
these past seven weeks has demonstrated to me just how active the devil is. john 10:10 [NIV], "the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy." as Christians, we hardly ever think about the spiritual warfare around us especially because our lives are often so filled with comfort and ease. be forewarned. the devil hates you. he hates everything you do. and all he's concerned with is destroying you. if you're active for the kingdom of God, if you're actively pursuing God with all your heart, if you're actively interceding for those around you and for the Kingdom, if you're sharing the love of Christ, you are on the front lines. you're in the trenches. and like with anyone in the trenches, you will get hit eventually. we sometimes forget how much on an offensive prayer is. prayer is a powerful weapon. prayer advances the kingdom of God (if we're inline with the will of God when we pray).

if the devil isn't attacking you, there may be a problem. perhaps you've become stagnated and are no longer advancing the Kingdom. the devil already lost you over to the Kingdom of God, so there's no point in exerting effort on you unless you are doing damage to the kingdom of darkness.

i have a new found respect for job. reading the book of job pales when you actually are living a life like it (and my life in no way is to the same extent of his). i have no idea how he could always keep his spirits up and his hope in God throughout all of that. what an example to us. most people will never go through the things he did. and, if they do, it probably won't come at the same time. things are so much easier to handle when they're isolated incidents than if they come at you as a bundled package. bundled packages result in a domino effect of emotional, mental and perhaps physical stress. that's what my life has been over the past seven weeks. diagonsed with one thing, then something else happens, then something else, then something else. you don't even have time to deal with the first thing before the next one comes at you. and this just multiples and multiples until you break, crash or breakthrough it.

i've also learned just how difficult it is to walk on the road marked with suffering. it's so much easier to understand the theology behind it, than to actually live it. it's easier to "talk the talk, than walk the walk." i've wanted so badly over the past while for God to just bring me home. home to where i belong. home to where no pain or suffering exists. it's selfish to a certain extent, but being in heaven, being with Christ, how amazing is that? nothing compares. but i know that it's not about me, and it's not about what i want. it's about Him.

i've learned that you have to keep your hope, trust and faith in God no matter how bleak, how hopeless things look. and that you have to stop listening to the devil's lies. lies that are to harm and break you. you have to remember that there WILL be a new day. and if that day isn't on earth, then it will be in heaven. a day when there is no more pain, no more tears, no more sorrows, no more suffering. but it's again, easier said than done. i still fall subject to believing the devil's lies about me never getting better, about the new day never coming. because the truth of the matter is, it's so very hard and so very frustrating to live in suffering, when you try everything you can under the sun to get better.

the road ahead is long. i have no idea what lies ahead or what to expect. but it doesn't matter. God is faithful. God knows what we can handle. He knows the very depths of us. He knows our inmost thoughts. He knows our struggles. He knows our frustrations, our desparation. He knows it all. because God is a loving God. God loves us way beyond measure. He loves us in ways that we cannot fathom. He believes in you. He's for you. that is our God. that is my God. amen.

romans 8:28 [NIV], "and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose."