holding on by a string

December 22, 2004

Lord i'm tired
so tired from walking
and Lord i'm so alone
and Lord the dark
is creeping in
creeping up
to swallow me
i think i'll stop
rest here a while

and this is all that i can say right now (i know it's not much)
and this is all that i can give (yeah that's my everything)

and didn't You see me cry'n?
and didn't You hear me call Your name?
wasn't it You i gave my heart to?
i wish You'd remember
where You sat it down

and this is all that i can say right now (i know it's not much)
and this is all that i can give (yeah that's my everything)

i didn't notice You were standing here
i didn't know that
that was You holding me
i didn't notice You were cry'n too
i didn't know that
that was You washing my feet

and this is all that i can say right now (i know it's not much)
and this is all that i can give (yeah that's my everything)

when will it end?
i'm sick and i recently developed folliculitis. i got sick by being outside in the cold (sunday night) for about 10 seconds, the time it took to walk from a warm house to a really cold car. i was shivering the entire way home and i shivered in my house, despite my efforts of trying to warm myself up for 45 minutes. it felt like my life force was draining away from me. i went to bed shivering. i woke up feeling like death monday morning (huge headache, body aches all over, especially the entire spine and shoulder blades) and developed a cold, a dry hacking cough, running nose, stuffed nose, and chest congestion. i don't sleep well any more either (sleep that i desperately need as a fm patient), i mean how could you when you wake up several times in the middle of the night with a hacking cough? all this from being exposed for 10 seconds. my other friends who walked the same 10 seconds are all fine; they don't have fibromyalgia. fm patients don't fare so well in the cold because their muscles are already very tight to begin with and the added cold elevates that, something i really learned sunday night. yesterday i noticed some bumps on my neck, resembling what i thought was a return of shingles. turns out it's folliculitis. it seems to have gotten worse today and there's much more pain in the neck now. oh the fun.

the devil knows where i'm the weakest; my health and he's rocking me. i'm hanging on by a very thin string right now. i can't take this anymore, i really can't. as if i haven't had enough... how much longer must i suffer? how much longer must i be in pain? i'm trying to see the new day, i really am, but my cynicism is taking over. i need some hope again and i need it soon. i can't wait for heaven where all of this will be no more.

"if you get the man right, you get the world right"

December 18, 2004

last thursday, i encountered a most unusual sight. as i was heading down to futureshop (the location at warden and hwy. 7) to return something, i saw a man standing in the middle of the parking lot (on the curb). he was holding a sign saying he had three kids, he had no food and that he would work for food. cars and pedestrians zipped by him without ever once stopping to offer help. in the 14 years that i've lived in the GTA, i have never seen something like this. i parked my car and headed into futureshop, still thinking about the poor gentleman who was standing in the cold: what was his story? was he part of the working poor? was his rent too high that he couldn't afford to pay for food for his children? what kind of work was he looking for? was he unemployed? was he a scammer? why wasn't anyone helping him? how could people go into a store like futureshop and buy things and not offer assistance to this poor gentleman? how could so many people drive by him and even WALK right by him and not offer help? why are our hearts so cold?

i walked around futureshop aimlessly after returning my product; i was stalling. i wasn't sure what to do. i was thinking about all the things that i've learnt over the past few months about social justice, specifically the working poor. could one person make a difference? would it really help? would he use my money for food? or would he buy something else like alcohol for himself (yeah, the stereotypes kicked in). i knew it was just a band-aid solution if i gave him money. but, at the same time, i couldn't just stand there and do nothing either. i thought back to a story i've read a million times; it's posted on my fridge at home. it's about a kid who picks up starfish off the beach and throws them back into the ocean. another person approaches him and says there's just too many starfish to make a difference, and all the kid does is smile and say, "it made a difference to that one." i walked out of futureshop, and went right back to my car. i even got into my car and sat there, long debating what i should do. i was really hungry by now and it was cold outside. oh, i shouldn't go walk in the cold i rationalized to myself, it's bad for me since i have fibromyalgia. but i thought back to something louie giglio shared at 7:22, about how if it's in our power to help, then we should do it (derived from the book of psalms). then, i thought about what Jesus said in matthew 25: 34-45 (when Jesus is talking about "whatever you did for one of these brothers of mine, you did for me").

i got back out of the car. i had no idea what i would do or say, but i needed to talk to this guy. i don't really remember what i said, but i asked him if i could help in any way, and he actually declined the first time, being polite. but i persisted and eventually we reached a concensus that i'd go to no frills and get him a gift card so he could do grocery shopping later on that day. yep, i made the trek across the parking lot and went to hook him up. i didn't know how much i should give him either, but i thought back to my limited experiences of grocery shopping for myself (ie. during my internship in vancouver). as an individual, i spent quite a bit of money for myself. i figured, if there's three kids, him, and a potential wife, then there needs to be more money to feed them all. so i gave more money that i 'wanted' to.

i walked back across the parking lot, and happily gave him the cards. i didn't get to say much to him, but that i wish it could have been more. and it wasn't becaues it was just a nice thing to say, i really did mean it. as i was driving home, tears filled my eyes. could i have done more for him?

i stopped off at tim horton's for lunch. it was such a luxury to go there, to sit in the warm environment and eat a hot meal. i couldn't stop thinking about him. i even thought about returning back to the futureshop parking lot and bringing back more stuff for him, but i rationalized that he wouldn't be there anymore.

i've been praying a lot about what my response should be to social justice. my eyes have finally been opened (at least partially) to the reality of the world, the reality of toronto, and it kills me to know the amount of injustice there is. it kills me even more that not much is done about it to rectify this imbalance. i think my prayers were answered this past sunday morning when alfred lam delivered a strong and challenging message about social justice. i was thrilled to hear him speaking about poverty and how Christians should respond (we totally need more of that in the church). he was even throwing out facts about world hunger, education levels, income, etc. it was so right on. it was as if he was just saying everything that was on my heart to our church. i loved it. he started with a story that echoed my heart. basically, there's a dad and his young daughter (like four or five). the dad's trying to read the paper. his daughter wants to play. he rips up a page of the paper with a world map into lots of pieces and gives it to his daughter so he can read the paper for a few hours (so he thinks). about 10 minutes passes, she comes back with the world put perfectly together. to his amazement, he asked her how she did it. after all, it would have taken him much longer to put it together too! she told him there was a picture of a man on the back, and she figured if she got the man right, she'd get the world right. the just of the story is that the world is in broken into many pieces. and if we look at how to put those pieces back together, we''ll just get frustrated and confused. but if we look to the man of Jesus, and we get Him right, then we get the world right. alfred also shared an experience he had with a homeless man. that story brought a lot of us to tears, me included. the presence of God was very evident this past sunday.

wednesday rolls around. i went downtown to watch mamma mia with my parents. i expected to see homeless people on the streets, but i don't think i was prepared for my heart would do. i tried to look down at the ground as i passed them by, because i knew i couldn't help them all. but even if you walk right by them, can you ignore them? if you asked me that question a year ago or even a few months ago, i would have said yes. how can we walk by these children of God and simply not care? how can we walk by these children of God without offering them any assistance when we've been blessed by so many luxuries and conveniences? it's not right. how are we any more entitled to shelter, food, clothing, health care, than they? some of these people on the streets are children, teens, or young adults like you or i and have been trying so hard to make it, but because of circumstances, they're on the streets. my heart breaks for them. i was in tears as i walked by them and watched so many people walk out of roy thompson hall and the princes of wales theatre without stopping to help. i'm in tears writing this. my heart breaks for the social injustice in this city and worldwide.

it's time we stopped talking theology and started really living it.

"depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. for i was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, i was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, i was a stranger and you did not invite me in, i needed clothes and you did not clothe me, i was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’ “they also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ “He will reply, 'i tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’" - matthew 25: 41-45 [NIV]

losing focus

December 7, 2004

as we move through life, we can lose focus on the things that matter, the things that count, the things that are really worth living for. we get so caught up by life, that we simply forget. often, it's not because we're trying to or we want to, it just happens. eventually, we live life just like any other person would. doing the routine. living the mundane. the power of the Cross, the majesty and wonder of Christ in us, no longer elicits the same awe and wonder it once did. we slide into life, pulled by all the world has to offer. the sad thing about this? some Christians are okay with that.

i'm not. i always wonder if there's more to live than what i'm living now. i wonder if the Christian life is supposed to be so bland, so mundane. my response is always that there has to be something more, something greater. there has to be! we should be living lives full of power, full of excitement because the holy Son of God is in us! we should be living on the edge, not on our seats. we should be the ones daring to walk on water, the ones daring to move into foreign land, the ones daring to really live.

i was reminded of this in the pool a few weeks ago. i always wear swimming goggles to protect my eyes from the chlorine. when my goggles were new, they stayed clear the whole 30 minutes when i was in the pool. now, not so much. today, the goggles were completely clear when i began, but by the time i finished, it was a different story. i could barely see what was in front of me; everything was blurry and distorted. i noticed that my vision was getting worse and worse as i swam. had i stopped, the goggles would have remained in their original state: perfectly clear.

that's how it's like for us in life. we start off clear. our focus is on God, and we know where we're headed (maybe not all the details, but we know the direction). but as time goes on, our vision gets more and more distorted. distorted with life and the things of the world. we lose focus. we lose perspective. eventually, we no longer know where we're going because we can no longer see it clearly.

i'll use school as an example. our university education or school year may have started off well, with our understanding of God's purposes for us to be on campus and in our specific program, but as our education progresses, we get bogged down by stressors like exams, homework, assignments and projects. soon we begin grumbling and complaining of all the things we have to do. our once clear vision of our purpose on campus is gone. we barely remember why we're there to begin with; everything becomes foggy and distorted.

this phenomenon doesn't happen to everyone, but it does happen. we're all prone to it because we all get caught up with life. whatever we're doing, one thing is for sure, we need to take a step back and think about what we're doing and why we're doing it. we need to refresh ourselves regularly.

it's really not so hard to restore our vision. in the pool, all you need to do is take off the googles for a second, dip them in the water and shake them off, and put them back on your face. and presto, your vision is restored. in the same way, we simply need to return to God and seek Him. He will restore our vision. He will make our paths straight. He will show us where to go.

"let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith" - hebrews 12:2