a glimmer of hope

May 26, 2005

last tuesday (may 17) i went to see my fibromyalgia specialist. i see her once every few months. mostly it's to give her an update on what's going on with my body so she can track my "progress" but i also get her to do the my trigger point injections too. on the rare occasion, i'll ask her questions about what i should be doing to take care of myself. i've been wondering for a long time about the whole running bit. not having the ability to run what-so-ever got my really down, especially since the summer started. i know a lot of people want to get outside and do sports this time of year. and even though i'm not big on sports, when it's a nice day out, i quite enjoy going and playing some softball or tennis or whatever. but more than that, i miss out getting to hang out with friends because of my physical limitations. it's tough. being robbed of things you used to do isn't a good feeling.

i decided to ask her for more clarification about why running wasn't good for me. i found out that she wasn't really referring to running in a holistic sense (that i couldn't do any running what-so-ever). she was simply saying that i shouldn't go for a run or a jog, because it's a really repetitive motion that adds vertical stress on the spine. i proceeded to ask her if i could play tennis and softball. i had to be specific because i wanted to know what she thought about each sport. and to my great surprise, she said that i could do both sports! i just needed to be more careful when i played and to make sure that i didn't overdo it. i know that i can't afford to injure my spine so i realize that i need to take it easy. besides, i'm not very competitive so it's not a big deal. nonetheless, i was pretty shocked hearing that from her. which means, i'm back (perhaps not to the same degree as i used to be, but that's okay)! i actually played tennis for the first time in 1.5 years on monday. it was such a great feeling. i guess the next thing to do is get out there and play some softball. i don't think i'd get up and bat though because there's just too much risk for me overdoing it when i'm running.

my doctor even told me that i was getting better. something about my back not being as stiff or something with a muscle there that is looking better. i don't really remember. i've also noticed that the muscles in my hands haven't been as stiff. there's a muscle between your thumb and your pointer finger. initially the muscle got really stiff—if you pressed it, it was really hard (like a rock), and it also caused a lot of pain. when i got her to put the trigger point injection there, we both noticed that it had softened up a bit. i guess getting better with fibromyalgia means that the muscles aren't as stiff, but that doesn't mean the pain goes away, because it hasn't for me.

this was a much needed glimmer of hope. just when i was getting down about not getting better, wondering why i still had to face all the struggles that i was going through and wondering when i could play sports again, God rocked my paradigm. i love that. i love how He has perfect timing. i love how He knows everything about us and that He cares enough to come in and take control.

recently, i've received encouragement from people that i don't know or talk with often. all of them somehow stumbled across my journal and started to read the entries that i've posted over the past few years. they told me that the journey that i've gone through has been an encouragement & inspiration to them. that has meant a great deal to me. i remember back in october when i was wondering how God could use all the struggles for His glory, He showed me that my influence extended to my professors at school. this time, God showed me that my influence extends to more people than i realize.

i don't write this to brag or to think of myself more highly. i post it because God works in ways we don't even imagine. He is always working around us. whether we see it or not is a different story. God can use anything for His glory. i'm just an average guy. and for some reason, God has chosen to use my story for His purposes. He's chosen to use the struggles in my life to be a testimony, so that He would be magnified. for those of you who are going through times, look up. God is up to something. He knows what's best. He's in complete control. He knows what He's doing. and all we have to do is look up and believe Him.

"now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! amen" - ephesians 9:20-21 [NIV]

punctured

May 25, 2005

a few weeks ago, i noticed that my tires screeched when i turned a fast corner. from what i understand, tires screech for two reasons: 1) if the speed is too fast and 2) if the tires are under-inflated. i knew it wasn't due to speed because i had turned at higher speeds before and there never was any sound. so i checked out the tire pressure of each wheel. i discovered that they were all under-inflated by 10 psi (driving on under-inflated tires is very dangerous). i immediately told my dad and we filled the air up to the proper levels. he speculated that there might have been issues when the tires were mounted (i had recently switched from winter tears to my regular all-season ones) and that i should monitor the tire pressure the next day. i did just that. they all seemed normal.

about two weeks after, i noticed that there was tire screech when i turned a fast corner. i checked the tire pressure of each wheel and they turned out consistent with the earlier measures, except for the front left wheel. it had lost about 10 psi of pressure in less than two weeks. something was definitely wrong. i talked to my dad again and he said it could only be two things: 1) my tire had a nail (or something that punctured it) or 2) the tire wasn't sealed properly to the wheel. he told me to bring it back to the guy who had switched my tires, so i did.

i should mention that i know absolutely nothing about cars. when i brought my car to the guy's shop, he told me that i could have a seat. i asked him if i could watch because i never saw anyone remove a tire from a car before. he didn't mind. after he removed the wheel, he started to spray soapy water on the tire and began a very close examination it. he was trying to determine if there was an air leak or not. it was pretty ingenious. if there is air leaking, the soapy water will start bubbling up around the leak (i'd imagine this happens because the air pushes enough force against the soapy water on the surface to form bubbles). he spent a great deal of doing this before he found the leak. it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.

eventually, he spotted that the bubbles were forming around one area. the tire had been damaged (it was visible). he knew it was a nail. he got the tools he needed to remove it. after some time, he managed to pull the entire nail out. it was HUGE. it must have been between 2.5-3 inches. the entire nail had gone straight into the tire—it was completely concealed. the only reason why i found out this problem existed was because of my sensitive ears. i normally crank my stereo up when i drive, and despite that, my ears could still pick up the screeching of tires through the sound.

this whole deal was very interesting to me. as i sat on the couch and watched the guy pull the nail out of the tire, i thought about what it meant in my life. what was God trying to tell me? this all happened last tuesday (may 17). the day before, i had gone to see a psychologist. i've been wanting to see one for a while now. a lot of psychologists believe that the mind and the body are linked. i'm a firm believer of this too. i know full well that a lot of my health problems are because of repression. repression has a way of trickling down to the body and causing all sorts of unexplainable health problems. and since repression isn't in your conscious, i knew i needed help to get in there and deal with it.

it was pretty strange seeing the guy. i was actually scared sitting in the waiting room, and to be honest, i wanted to leave. i was afraid. ironic isn't it? i wanted help, i got my mom to arrange an appointment with this guy, and when i was finally there, i wanted to leave and get out. i think it was a defense mechanisms kicking in. in psychology, i learnt that during treatment/therapy, defense mechanisms will kick in to protect the individual from their repressed memories, even if the individual wants to the help (like in my case). all the way through the session, i felt like i was setting up walls to protect myself. therapists are supposed to know this.

we talked for a while. he'd ask questions about my past, feelings and such. i didn't find it particularly helpful, but i suppose you can't expect too much after one session. he did say two things that got me thinking though. the first, was that in order to let go, you need to hold onto something concrete. i realized that day that i had never asked God for strength to move on from eric's death. i did ask God for His strength to get through it, but never to let go.

i was the punctured tire. i tried my hardest to move on and to do my best at every task i was given. but without me knowing, the air was slowly deflating. and when i least expected it, i ended up severely deflated. my emotional/mental state would go up and down like a roller coster and i never quite understood it. how could i hit such extreme opposites? sometimes i'd be so energetic, so full of life. other times, i'd be so down. i never understood why i was like this until that day when i got my tire fixed. with punctured tires, it doesn't matter how many times you fill it up with air, it will always deflate, given time. and that was so true of my life. even though i'd get filled up by the Word of God, by personal times with Him, through prayer, through friends and family, i'd always somehow end up empty. i was punctured. i knew how i was punctured, but i didn't know exactly where.

to fix a punctured tire, you have to seal the leak. the guy used this tool that he put in the leak and began twisting it for a while. after he did that, he got this thing that looked like a flat piece of rubber, put some type of glue on it and stuck it in the hole. it was surprisingly easy to fix, that is, once the problem was found. at first, i didn't think that such a simple solution could stop the air leak, but i was dead wrong. in fact, the guy told me the patch would outlast the life of the tire! the patch doesn't deny the presence of the hole; it acknowledges it. if the patch was removed, the air would leak yet again.

there is only One that truly knows the depths of us, who knows everything about us. He is the only One that can bring healing and restoration to the brokenness of our lives. i'm glad that i went to the psychologist because i realized that there was no way i could figure out all this on my own, that in order to let go, i needed to hold onto something concrete. Christ has always been my stronghold, the one constant in my life. He is capable to do all things. and it's in Him i put my trust.

community

May 19, 2005

extreme makeover: home edition has quickly become my favourite tv show. so far i've only seen three episodes, two of which have been two-hour specials. those two-hour specials are especially great because you get more of a chance to see the emotions, thoughts and actions from all the parties involved. this show is such a beautiful example of the what could be. could you imagine what it'd be like if communities were to come around the hurting amongst them, to support and love them in the name of Christ? do we even know what that's like?

what particularly struck me about the episode on sunday, was just how loving, supportive and caring the community was to the family. the family was one father and his three little kids, all of whom were very, very young. his wife had passed away suddenly, about seven months prior to the show's airing. it was a really trying time for the family, especially for the father. suddenly he had to take care of his kids and work to support his family, all on his own. i can't imagine what it'd be like for him, but i do know what it's like to lose someone unexpectedly. i could totally relate with him when he was sharing about his struggles and hard it had been for him. it brought me to tears watching how hard this guy was trying to make it for his family and how strong he was trying to be. now that i think about it, it was like i was watching myself.

pain and suffering has a way of opening/closing your heart. through everything that i've gone through, i think God has begun to cultivate in me a more open heart, an empathetic heart. every time i watch this show, my heart breaks for the suffering and hurt that the families go through and it also rejoices with them. i cry every episode: both tears of sadness and tears of joy. another reason why i love this show so much is because of the hope it gives. that makes me so ecstatic (aka. tears of joy). i'm thrilled to see these families have hope brought back into their lives. hope is what keeps us going. it's what gives us something to strive for, something to live for.

back to the episode. the design team decided to hold a fundraising concert for the family. i did not expect what i saw. some people in the community had already begun to figure out how to help this family out: a group of business people came together and gave a cheque of $75,000 while another group came up with $25,000. both were presented that night. $50,000 was raised the night of the concert. in sum, the entire community rallied together and raised $150,000 for the family that night. they also wanted to support the family in any way they could, offering things like free baby sitting, groceries, car washes, etc., anything that could help make life easier for them. i was floored. i couldn't believe how loving, how generous, how supportive this ENTIRE community was for this one family. it's not normal. this community, was living like they were the early church in acts, "there were no needy persons among them. for from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need" (acts 4:34-35 [NIV]).

if only... if only the modern church got that. if only the modern church could wrap their hearts around that. what a different place this would be. lives would be changed. the world would be transformed. God's name would be glorified. His name would be prized above all names. isn't that what the church is all about? isn't that why we exist? to be a beacon of light in the darkness? to proclaim the love of Christ to all peoples?

love is manifested through action. and i hope and pray, that one day, i will (with my own two eyes) see the church living the way it was meant to be.

finishing well

May 10, 2005

last wednesday, as i was swimming, this man jumped into the space beside me. i couldn't help but observe how he swam—he was right beside me after all. when swimming laps, it's ideal to keep up the pace. the problem is that there's a typical slow down when reaching the edge (after all, who wants to bang their hand on the wall?). to combat this, pro swimmers will flip underwater, push off the edge with their feet and continue in the opposite direction (this happens underwater for a brief period). not-so-pro swimmers (like myself) will spin the body quickly, and push off the edge with their feet and continue in the opposite direction (also swimming underwater for a brief period). the man beside me had a particularly graceful push-off. it looked good and it worked well. at first, i thought he was a really good swimmer. he would end up about 2/5-1/2 of the way to the other side after surfacing. i'm not so graceful—my push-off doesn't work so well. i probably end up 1/4 to the other side, but the thing is, i get there. this man didn't. he struggled tremendously. in fact, i don't think he ever reached the other side. after struggling for a while, he would give up and walk to the side. his stroke looked like a dog frantically trying to stay afloat in the water (i suppose that's what a doggie paddle is).

i found this very interesting. here was this guy who started off so gracefully but struggled immediately afterwards and could not finish. he started well, but could not finish. i couldn't help but think how that's so very true for many Christians. they start off well, doing all the things a Christian is "supposed" to do: reading the Bible, praying, going to church, joining a fellowship/small group, doing devotions. but after a while, that zeal and zest for God diminishes. the sweet aroma of Christ no longer smells as sweet. things start becoming bland, routine, stagnant. the honeymoon period is over. some people give up (like the man in the pool) and walk away from the faith because they didn't realize what it would be like in the long-haul. i'm reminded of the parable of the sower (matthew 13).

what about us? are we struggling like the man in the pool? struggling to get to the other side? do we want to give up and just throw in the towel? or are we able to get to the other side? it may not be graceful or quick, but the point is getting there. athletes who train as sprinters and as long-distance runners are very different. they use different muscle groups (from what i understand) and they train differently. sprinters train for the short-term. they build up strong muscles, so they can explode out of the gate. cross country runners are different. they train for the long-term. it's about building up endurance. i feel like a lot of Christians are like sprinters. we train for the short-term. we do all the things a Christian is supposed to do. and the problem is, it becomes so much about our own efforts.

one thing louie giglio likes to say, is that living the Christian life is not hard, it's impossible. and in fact, the only man who was able to pull it off in all of history was Christ. we can't live the Christian life in our own. we need help. it's through the Holy Spirit that we can live this life. a lot of Christians are deluded into thinking that accepting Christ means countless blessings and happy days for the rest of their life. in fact, it's the complete opposite. when you accept Christ, life becomes that much harder. maybe it's because we become on the offensive and the devil tries everything in his power to stop you from growing. if you're for the Kingdom of God you are against the principalities of darkness, it's as simple as that. and when trials and struggles come, those who are trying to live the Christian life on their own will fail miserably. it's only through Him that we can persist, that we can push forward, that we can live this life.

i have to admit that it's been tough for me living with my condition. i don't talk about it because no knows (my age) what i go through on a day-to-day basis. i also don't talk about it because i don't want to complain about my circumstance. but maybe that decision hasn't been the best course of action. i realized yesterday that there's a spirit of bitterness in me with regards to having fibromyalgia.

everyday i'm reminded of what i cannot do. my doctor suggested that i avoid running, because it would add more downward pressure to my spine. since the discs are misaligned, it wouldn't be a good idea. the thing is, i'm restricted tremendously because of that. i lot of the guys do sports together as a chance to hang out with one another. i used to love doing that. i mean yeah the sport itself is fun, but the company is that much better. and now i don't get a chance at that anymore. now i won't have another shot of playing football, softball, tennis, volleyball, etc. for who knows how long. my favourite sport is tennis, and i haven't played it ever since i developed this condition (january 2004). that's one year and four months ago. every time someone asks me to play football or softball, i'm reminded of the limitations of my body because of fm. the only thing i can do now is swim. i don't even like swimming that much. but if i don't swim, the pain levels in my body skyrockets, so i have no choice. i do it to keep the pain at an 'acceptable' level. the other thing is that i'm no where as strong as i used to be, which also restricts other things i do: using the computer, holding cameras (the weight gets too heavy, causing pain), playing instruments (i can't play guitar/bass for very long), holding babies, typing (i type a lot slower now), to list a few. i had been thinking about doing some volunteer work since i have so much time. i typically like to do behind the scenes stuff, like sorting, lifting, organizing things, but i can't do that anymore either.

i wonder, how long o Lord? how long must i wait? how long must i remain like this? will it ever be lifted? will i ever be normal again? my doctor had said that hopefully in three to five years, that these symptoms would be gone. the body is amazing at healing itself. but i wonder. i don't think my body has gotten better over the past eight months. in the words of king david, "how long, O LORD? will you forget me forever? how long will you hide your face from me? how long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? how long will my enemy triumph over me?" psalm 13:1-2 [NIV]

i was feeling really down this morning. yesterday my whole body was in crazy pain. my neck hurt so bad that i could barely move it. and because my neck was in pain, i had a really bad headache. i couldn't really do much about it either. i think it was the result of me twisting my neck on saturday during a wedding dinner i was at. i guess i don't always remember that everything i do now has to be treated more cautiously. because i'm not normal. things i used to do affects my body in a lot bigger ways now, and almost always in negative ways. what really gets me down about all this, is that i hope that somewhere down the road i'll be better from this condition. and when days like this come, my hope is shattered, crushed.

but like i've said before, my spirit does not give up, no matter how bleak or down i get. and i know that God has never and will not give up on me either (see deut. 31:6). every time i feel like i've reached the end of my rope, God is always there to restore me and lift me back up. it was the same case this morning. i was praying last night and this morning, just telling God how i was feeling about things, and on my drive home, i was listening to a CD, and the song was so fitting for me (it seems like this happens a LOT. i love music). and as i listened, i made it my prayer, and i knew God was speaking over me, whispering His words of love, comfort and reassurance and wrapping me in His loving arms.

one thing that herman said on sunday really resonated with me. it was about how God uses broken things and does miracles with them. take for example, the feeding of the five thousand. Christ broke the bread to perform the miracle. when i look at my life, i see brokenness. i've been broken in a lot of areas in my life. eric's death, my health, and more recently, my parents' health. in the past week, i had two really big scares, one with my mom's health and one with my dad's health. i won't get into them, but needless to say, it seems like death is always around the corner in my family. that's something i cannot deal with. i'm not even over eric. i couldn't deal with anything more... i think i'm still very broken in those areas and it's to a point where i long to be with Jesus in heaven, where all this pain will be no more. but as i've said, as long as i'm here, all i want is to see God glorified and magnified through this life. so if God uses broken things, and does miracles with them, here i am. i know God has allowed all this craziness to happen for His purposes and i have this feeling that He's going to use me for things that would blow my mind if He laid it all out for me at once.

i pray that the struggles, the pains, the joys, everything that i've gone through will help bring glory to His Name and His Kingdom. i want to finish this race. i don't want to be like that guy in the pool who started off well but never finished. i can't be that guy. i won't be that guy. by the grace of God, i will persevere until the end. i must. for as long as i shall live, i will fight until that one glorious day when He takes me home.

"i consider my life worth nothing to me, if only i may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace" - acts 20:24 [NIV]

extreme makeover: home edition

May 1, 2005

i got the chance to check out an episode of extreme makeover: home edition today. it's the first episode i've ever seen, despite seeing some previews for their shows on countless occasions. all i can say is wow. i'm so very touched by what i saw. a while back, i wrote about how there wasn't much quality tv on the air anymore. most of the tv programs we watch nowadays contain materialism, sex, alcohol, drugs and violence. and while this show could be considered to be materialistic in the sense that these families are getting incredibly beautiful homes, it really isn't about that at all. they don't focus on brands/companies of products that go into the home, but instead they look at the family. it's about transforming the lives of families in the homes within which they live. i love that because it's so my heart. i long to make a difference in the lives of the people around me for the cause of Christ.

what really got to me about this show was how much of a difference the design team and all the helpers made to the family in the construction of this home. there were a lot of tears shed not only by the family, but also by the design team, and i'm sure all the helpers too. i bet the people who watched this episode also shed a few tears of their own too—i know i did (and on several occasions too). there was so much love. you could feel it the whole way through. for the rest of their lives, that family will remember what happened that week. it's something that will change their lives forever. and i know they'll feel a deep sense of gratitude, one that words cannot express, towards all those who made it possible. the amount of kindness and love shown towards them has undoubtedly impacted them.

as much as i get down on the state of humanity, it's amazing to see mankind's capacity to reach out and do something like this. sure, there are probably ulterior motives, but nonetheless, the ability to do this, and to get so many people onboard together for it, that really says something. i think there is a general desire for us to help out our fellow man, to do this thing we call life together. we were created in the image of God after all. i think that exists within every human being, but due to circumstances and due to sin, that ability is sometimes withheld or restricted.

if the church could be the ones doing acts like this, man, what a different world we would be in. last friday, we did a Bible study on acts 6. it talks about how the early church's efforts on meeting the physical needs of the people were so great that they ended up neglecting the ministry of the Word of God (the teaching/preaching). in acts 4, the early church was so generous that there were actually NO needy people among them (see acts 4:34). how did they do this? they would sell their houses from time to time and give the money from the sale to the church! as a result to all this, the church exploded. thousands of people were coming to Christ, sometimes on a daily basis.

what the early church was doing, was exactly what an episode of extreme makeover: home edition is all about: transforming lives. the big difference was that the early church was transforming lives in the name of Christ, in the power of the Holy Spirit, a transformation that lasts for an eternity—a house cannot do that. but you know what really gets to me about all this. how is that abc, a tv station, can make such a profound impact in the lives of these families, while the church sits idly by and remains silent? what happened to the early church mentality?

perhaps it's the western culture that has put a blind eye over us. we think we're entitled to everything. we think that because we worked for it, it's for us to enjoy. what a lie. we've been sucked into believing this without even knowing it. we have a wrong paradigm. yes, we do earn the money through work. but we forget that the money we have has been entrusted to us by God. we forget that God has given us the capacity to earn this money in the first place!

if the producers of abc can be motivated to do this, out of their own kindness (or for whatever reason they have), how is that the Christian body, the ones who serve a omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent, living God fail so miserably at doing similar acts? we're supposed to be the ones out there loving our neighbours, putting others above ourselves, and acting the way Jesus would. if we say love God, our actions must reflect that. faith without action is dead.

the early church struggled with the ministry of the Word of God when they were out doing the daily distribution of food. they realized that this could not continue and appointed seven people to oversee that, while the apostles focused on the teaching/preaching. this meant that the church was reaching both physical and spiritual needs, and when that happened, the church exploded that much more (acts 6:7).

oh how i long for the church to be restored to what it was like: a place where people, regardless of ethnicity, socioeconomic class, background, gender, age, could come together and experience the love of God for themselves through the Holy Spirit and the tangible actions of the body of Christ. that's the hope. that's the dream.

the herminator

the herminator trailer made it's debut in the rhcbc esc service this morning. i cannot describe how excited i was for it, but i know steve can relate with me. we've been planning it for a while and i was very pleased with how it turned out. all throughout the showing, it was all smiles for me. the congregation actually cheered at the end of it, when the last title sequences were displayed. that was awesome! there was so much excitement for his return.

what am i talking about you ask? our pastor, herman chow, has been on break for eight months now. next sunday (may 8th) will be the first time he comes back to preach. my friend, steve, thought it would be jokes if we made a movie trailer for his return. being a person who quite enjoys jokes, i loved the idea and decided that we had to do it. one time, during a sermon, herman referred to himself as "the herminator." now, i don't exactly remember why he did that, but it was one of those things that you simply do not forget; the trailer was based off of that.

my good friend mr. steve choi directed the whole thing. he came up with the storyboards and the sequencing of the trailer (what would be shown when). i produced it. i took his ideas and made it a reality, deciding camera angles and shooting the video, choosing music (the second song was a joint effort), pacing of the video, adding the "man" voice (that's me by the way—i said it in my absolute lowest voice possible and then used garageband 2 to modulate the sound to make it lower) and doing the titles.

so without further adu, here is the trailer in two sizes:

The Herminator - Small Trailer (5 MB)
The Herminator - Large Trailer (55 MB)

this file requires quicktime to view. to download, right click the link to save, and go to "download linked file as" or "save target as"