"we believe the best service anticipates needs"

June 30, 2005

i had lunch at milestone's with my mom today. i've always respected waiters and waitresses because of what they do—serving others. i was reminded of this, this afternoon when the waitress was walking towards my table and she saw that i had no water in my cup. before i could say anything, she immediately turned around, filled up the water jugs and came back to my table to fill up my glass. she saw a need and filled it, without me having to get her attention or asking. it was beautiful. later on, i caught her walking somewhere, passing tables in the process, when someone from one of the tables got her attention. immediately, she stopped, gave up whatever she was going to do and listened to the patron's needs. while i know that this isn't an uncommon sight in a restaurant, for some reason, it was more clear to me what the implications were and it got me thinking. i think the waiter and waitress profession can teach us a thing or two.

how often do we, the church, see needs either in the lives of our friends and family or the community, and fail to address them? how often are we willing to stop whatever we are doing to help someone in need? how often do we try and anticipate the needs of others? can you imagine the kind of impact our lives would have on the people around us, if we actively met their needs? and can you imagine the kind of impact we would have if we met their needs BEFORE they asked?

i think for most of us, life tends to be about what we want and need. it takes precedence over others, which is reflected in our thoughts and actions. imagine with me for a moment. say you were swamped with a deadline the next day and a person really needs to talk to you. it's late afternoon and you've barely begun. you had set aside all of your day to work on the project. you also know that talking with this person would take several hours. what would you do? would you drop everything for them and be there with them in that moment? or would you tell them that you're swamped, talk with them for a few minutes and try to meet with up with them at another time? what's your initial gut response? your response may depend on the relationship you have with the person. if the person was an acquaintance, most likely you would put them off. if it was a friend, you might be inclined to meet with them. if it was your best friend, you would definitely drop everything to meet with them.

waiters and waitresses don't have the luxury of deciding how they want to serve people and which people to serve—they must treat everyone the same. there's a lot of truth in that. that's how Jesus lived his life. He didn't pick who He wanted to serve or how He would serve them. He loved everyone all the same and that's what ticked people off. how could He love all the outcasts of society when He was the supposed Messiah? if He was the King, how could He ever associate with the drunks, the prostitutes, the tax collectors? that's what was so beautiful about Him and that's the God we follow.

this incident reminded back to my time in the caribbean last year with cti. in january 2004, i felt like i lived very selfishly, by putting myself before others—i didn't like that. so i asked God to help me to love people better, and man He did. overseas, i think one of my greatest "contributions" to the team was by serving them and trying to anticipate their needs. i remember when we were at cayman islands painting the YFC office. i'd make sure everyone was hydrated and as cool as possible. i remember always carrying stuff like hand sanitizer/advil/medicine/vitamins and offering to the team as much as i could. i remember on our last island, the water there was a little sketchy (at least for me), so i decided to boil water, fill up my team's water bottles and throw em in the fridge/freezer so they'd be cool for the next day. no one ever asked me to do these things. it was about thinking about my team's needs BEFORE they asked and trying to meet them.

what happens when we anticipate needs?
1. people feel loved/cared for (both in action and in thought). anticipating needs means that first, you are thinking about that person. and second, that you care enough about that person to do something. isn't that what every human being desires? to be loved?
2. our actions reflect/magnify Christ. our serving others demonstrate a characteristic of who Christ was. serving others in our society isn't normal because people are self-absorbed. so someone who anticipate needs is even more abnormal. whenever you do anything counter-culture, people will inevitably take notice. it might not be a visible response, but nonetheless, they'll be taken aback, even for a brief moment. and that places you in a better position to share Christ, because people may wonder why you do what you do, whether churched or not churched.
3. we live the life that we're supposed to live (at least in one aspect). our lives are not our own. they belong to God. God wants more than anything for His people to know Him, love Him and worship Him. God is about His people. the second great commandment was to love our neighbours as ourselves. i don't know about you, but i think we love ourselves way too much (but don't get me wrong here. i believe we do need to love ourselves because God created us the way we are). we always think about our own needs/desires/wants/dreams/goals/thoughts. it's only in anticipating and meeting needs that our lives shift to other people. when we're thinking about others, there's less time thinking about ourselves. for many of us, that's a really good place to be. and by doing this, we'll learn a great lesson in humility, because you cannot serve someone if you think you are above them.

let's decide to value what's important in life—people. let's learn to put others before ourselves in action and in thought, so that the world might see and know the wonder and beauty and love of our God. let's heed the example of our fellow waiters and waitresses who are always looking on how to anticipate needs and who are willing to drop everything when someone needs them. that's who Christ was—the servant King. if we proclaim to love Christ, this is the life we must live.

i'll end with a line from a british airways commercial that's been airing recently, "we believe the best service anticipates needs."

"do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others" - philippians 2:3-4 [NIV]

inspired (willowcreek 2005 arts conference reflection)

June 26, 2005

i left the willowcreek conference more inspired than ever before about arts ministry. i didn't really write much about my actual experience in my last entry, so i hope to cover that in this entry. i love the willowcreek arts conference. it's such a wonderful place to be inspired, refreshed, and taught. i love it because the staff and volunteers that put on the conference know how hard it is for leaders in art ministry to keep trucking along day in and day out every year. they know that so often, leaders invest so much time in ministering to others that they don't get ministered to themselves. and so what they hope to do, is not only teach us (or as they say it, to learn together—that's humility right there) about the arts, but also to minister us as well. i love that. that's one of the reasons why i love going there every year. another reason why i love going is that willow is on the forefront of the arts (at least in my eyes). so all the things they do during the conference is so very inspiring because it opens your eyes to what is possible.

the conference was split up into two tracks this year—the first time willowcreek has ever done this. it was split into act I and act II. the first act was more of the theoretical side of things and the second act was more of the hands on/practical learning. we went for both acts. i decided to check out the creative arts leadership track. i figured it'd be a good idea to figure out how to both lead and be part of creative teams, since i was going to be doing this in the future. each day was split up into three sessions (some four in act II), whether they were messages or workshops.

we arrive in chicago early tuesday morning. that was the start of act I. it was so awesome. every single message that was given really hit home for me on all sorts of different aspects of my life:

the first message, nancy beach was talking about how she was going to be taking a break in the near future. she talked about the idea of rest and how necessary it is for us. that really confirmed with me my decision to relax in these few summer months before seminary starts up again in september. i've been working so hard for the past four years, i knew it was time i took it off to recharge and re-energize. and i knew God was calling me to do it too. hearing nancy talking about that really was an encouragement.

i already mentioned the second and third message in my previous entry—about dewitt jones and bill hybels.

the fourth message took place the next day (wednesday). john ortberg gave a talk about how God is closer than we think, using the story of job as the basis for his talk. man, that really resonated deep with me. like i've said many times before, it feels like my life is like job. now, i know that it's nowhere close to the amount of suffering that job encountered, losing all his family, his livestock and even his health, but it's something like it. i've faced a lot of things as a 23 year old. so whenever anyone talks about the story of job, my ears immediately perk up. something i've learned through all these trials is that God has used them to draw me even closer to Him. had they not had happened, i don't think the intimacy i have with God now would be anywhere as close. i've read through some of my older journal entries, from two years past, and i realize that it's because of all the craziness that's happened, that my faith has deepened, matured and grown much stronger. one of john's points was exactly that, that through the trials and tribulations that we face, God uses them to strengthen our faith in Him. it's so very true.

the fifth message was an interview/q&a with a famous Christian movie producer. the key thing that hit me in his message, was when he said something like, "sometimes, the very place we need to be is right in front of us." since i was really going after God about the willowcreek internship deal that morning, when he said that, it hit me like a ton of bricks. it was one more confirmation along the many confirmations that morning that i should stick around toronto and go through with tyndale.

the sixth message, harvey carey talked about the idea of God moments. that was such an incredible encouragement and inspiration. he talked about how we need to encounter God in the planning processes as well as in the presentation. he talked about how unless the Lord builds, our labour is in vain. i think it's easy to sometimes leave God out of the planning. i mean, yeah, we might pray a quick prayer or two here, but if we're really honest, we get so task-oriented, so focused on the end game, that we can forget that God can still meet us along the way and completely leave Him out.

coming back, i think our creative team at RHCBC needs to really saturate what we do in prayer. we really need to go after God for the things we do, more so than ever before. harvey's message also got me reflecting about the tc days. when i served on the worship team, i remember all these amazing encounters with God that i would have during our rehearsals. those times were really special for me. i learnt that you could still encounter God in the planning, that it wasn't all about show-time before God would show up and move people. but somewhere along the way, that lesson was forgotten. it took a back seat to whatever else i was doing.

harvey also made a lot of good points about how we couldn't give what we did not have. he talked about how as creative people, we spend so much time investing in ministering to others, that we ourselves, would be neglected. he gave examples of how people might come up after a service and say something like, "wow that really ministered to me." and that yeah, you could be happy for them, but at the same time, you'd also feel like, "why can't anyone minister to ME?" that's why it was so important for us [as artists] to encounter God in the planning! because when we presented whatever we were presenting, we'd be sharing it from our hearts, from something we encountered God with. we can only minster to people when we ourselves have been ministered to. we cannot give what we do not have.

act II was also amazing. the entire first day, i basically followed nancy beach around to every workshop she lead. i learned about how to lead an arts team, how to do evaluations and how to weave the arts with teaching. all very, very practical topics for me. the second day consisted of more leadership specific things: about leading from the heart, about what sinks leaders and about how to do creative programs with few people and no resources. each one of them was very interesting in their own regard, and i hope that we can incorporate some of those ideas in our own church. especially the one with weaving the arts together with teaching.

i think there's a really powerful thing that happens when the arts and the teaching are interwoven with each other, because no longer do you get this isolated part of the service, it's one message, one theme. from what i've observed (and this is what nancy beach also said), the way a lot of churches work is that you have a part I and part II. normally part I is a singing time, where part II is the message. in most cases, they don't link to each other at all. sometimes part I might hit part II in the response song, when it actually fits to the sermon. that's not a great scenario. there's also a part I and a part II, where part I leads into part II. this isn't bad. she was saying how a lot of churches are here nowadays. but still, there's still a separation between the two. the most ideal scenario, is when there isn't a part I and a part II, when the arts and teaching are woven together to present one message/theme for the service. and when this happens, the congregation wins.

i heard this a lot of times during the conference. when we incorporate the arts into our services, the church wins. why you ask? here's another big thing i learnt: not everyone connects with God through congregational singing (aka. participatory singing). nancy was saying how her husband was like that. she gave an example of how they went to a church service where the entire first half was all singing. it did not work for her husband at all. that opened my eyes. in the 23 years of my life, almost every church that i've been to focuses mainly on congregational singing! so what happens to the people that don't connect well through this medium? they miss out, they lose. a nice way to accommodate for these types of people, is to present songs, rather than having them sing them. or, use different types of arts to help people connect with God, like video, dance, drama, visuals, etc. the bottom line? incorporating the arts into the church helps the wide spectrum of people in the church to engage with God—God did not create us all the same and different things help us connect with God better than the next. another thing the arts does, is like people EXPERIENCE Him, not just be told about Him. the arts is multi-sensory. and especially in our north american, MTV-driven culture, we demand more and more of the experiences we have. a guy talking to us just doesn't cut it anymore. we want to feel it and experience it in bigger and better ways, and most importantly, we want a personal experience.

one other big thing for me was the idea of excellence. excellence is something i'm very vocal about and something i try to push people towards because i believe that is what God calls us to. God deserves nothing less than our best (excellence). i've always modeled my life after colossians 3:17 & 3:23—my life verses. i strive for excellence in everything that i do. simply put, both these verses are essentially saying anything and everything we do is for Christ. i wish more people got this. i wish the church got this. i'm all about getting people who are gifted to serve in the areas they are gifted in. if there are people serving in areas that aren't gifted in, the church loses, the person loses, and other gifted people lose. it's not a good place to be and i find that many churches are in this boat. the church loses because it's a hard thing for someone who is ungifted to serve you. take for example sunday school teachers. if you aren't a gifted sunday school teacher, your class will suffer. they may not get the feeding that they so desire or maybe you simply bore them to death. the person loses because they miss out on the areas of service that they would be gifted in (since they are already serving). plus, they would most likely get frustrated because they wouldn't see much fruit coming from their labour and risk burnout. the gifted people lose because they don't get an opportunity to serve in an area they are gifted in—thus, they can't nourish their gift. willowcreek is all about excellence and i love it. just go to one of their services and you'll know. for some of their ministries, like music/drama, they will actually audition the applicants and they have a pretty stringent interview process as well, that takes several months. some people think this is anal, but i don't. this is the way it should be.

one of the workshops i attended was held by discovery church. these guys talked about excellence and how much of a value it was to them. right now, they have one music team that plays once a week out of the four in a month. the rest of the three weeks are done by accompany tracks (basically pre-recorded instrumental tracks) with the worship pastor leading those times. the reason why they do this is, a) they don't want to burnout their volunteers on the one music team and b) their other musicians aren't good enough yet to serve on a week-to-week basis. they told their people that until their musicianship was equal or better than the musicians on the CDs, they'd stick with the accompany tracks. how incredible is that?

there's probably a lot more i could say or write. i think i should reflect and review the notes that i took during the conference later on. but that's a pretty good summation of all that i experienced there.

one final thing. i don't know if i've ever written this before, but i believe the reason why God lead me to RHCBC was because of the arts ministry that is beginning to develop here. i initially came because i thought i would find community and to some degree, that's slowly begun to take shape. as time passed, i realized that arts ministry was where God was leading me to, and it suddenly clicked one day. i came to the church at a very special season. i'm surrounded by a group of four people who are just as jacked up on the arts ministry as i am. we're part of the esc core group (i call it the creative team). we meet up pretty regularly to dream about the possibilities of incorporating more of the arts into our services and then to execute some of those dreams. it's a great place to be. i absolutely love every minute of it. our core group is awesome too, because everyone's from a different background. of the five of us, only two of us are from an artistic background (me being one of them). isn't that just great? you do NOT have to in arts to be an artist. i believe God has created all of us with creativity. after all, we were made in His image, and He's the most creative being in this entire universe. sure, some are more creative than others, but that's besides the point. i'm so excited to see how God will take this arts ministry. we're all very excited.

june has been a really special month for us, because herman (our pastor) returned and most of us had more free time to do things. the first week, we took a song called mood ring and did a dramatic reading for it. we had three guys read the lines of the songs, and dramatizing the lines with the help of three girls. we also did a live video feed (the first time ever) that week to help people see facial expressions better. it went awesome! the point of the reading was to introduce the congregation to the sermon topic that week. the week after, we had a video. the prior week, we shot a video that interviewed the guys in our congregation about a specific topic.

today, we had something really special happen. after willowcreek, our entire creative team got together to cast vision, to talk about what we learnt, and where we wanted to go. today was our first service back from willow that we could try something out (we did in fact get back to toronto before last sunday, but we didn't have enough time to do anything) and we were all very excited about it. our theme was following Christianity vs. following Christ, focusing on luke 10:38-42 (the martha and mary story). i worked closely with esther on planning the service but everyone helped to pitch in to get things done (like the calendar/music/video). last tuesday, i had the chance to sit around and brainstorm ideas for the service. a calendar idea came to mind, so i presented it to the creative team. and for some reason, everyone really liked it (i thought that was kind of odd). the next day, bobby, esther and i met together to talk about how to make this calendar idea a reality. we also talked more about the specifics of what we wanted to see happen with the service, and then during the rest of the week we went to execute it. we changed up a lot of things today: the service order, we took out elements of the service that normally happen and introduced some new ones (by new, i don't mean like it's never happened before, but new in the sense that it hardly ever happens).

so here's what we wanted to do. we wanted to create a space for people to come in and reflect about what's been going on in their lives, and to get them to think about their walk with Christ. we felt this would be a great lead-in to the sermon. we started off with congregational singing (for the people that jive with singing), threw in the family news, then moved to a reflection time. the reflection time was a video/slideshow of Scripture mixed in with photos that were really calming/serene/restful/peaceful (mostly nature pics), overlaid with pre-recording music. the songs were carefully selected to follow this theme of resting in God/sitting with Him. we decided to use one of the songs from that video, and then introduce a live music piece that was sung over the congregation during the video. immediately following that was the sermon. after the sermon, we created three calendars for people to respond with. the calendars all had these little cards with the word "do" on the front with a few lines, and the word "be" on the back. the idea was that people could write down something that they do, that gets in the way of following Christ (it could even be church service), and then take the card with them when they left. it was to be a reminder for them that they could see the thing that they did, and when they flipped it over, be reminded that all they needed to be, was be. during the response time, we had the word "be" on the screen and we sang two songs over the congregation, so they'd have ample time to reflect and respond, followed by congregational singing and a closing prayer.

God really made Himself manifest in our church this morning. what was super amazing about it, was that God was orchestrating all of this together even in the planning process! we did not collaborate with the speaker about these ideas, except that we fired off an e-mail to him explaining what we were planning. that was it. but when he came up to speak this morning, everything he said was so right on with what we had envisioned. the first thing he said could not have been more perfect, it was something about human being vs. human doing. it was so incredible! i was pretty nervous about the response. i didn't know if anyone would come up. was it going to work? it took a LONG time for the first person to come down, but after that, there were quite a few people who also responded. i think they needed time to reflect more and maybe to get the courage to come down in front of everyone. this morning was such a God moment. God was ministering to His church. tears were shed. what a beautiful thing. i love it. i love being able to be part of a team that is able to do things like this, to help people connect with God in a deeper way. there is no other place that i'd rather be, than right where i am now, in this church, with these four people. and i hope, that our team will continue to grow, be inspired, find genuine and authentic community with each other, and push for arts ministry as long as we have life, all for the cause of Christ.

soaring with the eagles

June 21, 2005

i had the wonderful opportunity of attending the willowcreek 2005 arts conference this past week. it's hard to describe the experience that i had there, but for the sake of documenting some of the thoughts/feelings/emotions that are running through my head at this time, i will certainly make an attempt.

last june, i had the joy of attending the willowcreek 2004 arts conference. i learnt a lot of things about myself in that week, about my passions, about the direction of my life, about everything. it was a defining moment of my life. after three years of being in design, i wondered (yet again) why God had me go into design, a profession that seemed so opposite of ministry work. how would design tie in with the church? how would design tie into the ministry work that i would later step into? that year, for the first time in my life, i understood that God had created me to be a creative person (or dare i say artist), and that the creativity He had birthed into me would have more use than i had ever imagined. i would never have imagined that the arts could be used in church services to create powerful moments that helped people to engage God in a deeper way. i distinctively remember a guy from the willowcreek association of canada say the following, "God created the arts for the church, and right now they're flourishing in the secular world. it's time we brought them back." i can't describe it, but the moment he said that, it was if my whole soul cried out with a resounding yes. i was so fired up. everything within me cried out "YES! let's go! let's bring it back!" it was in that moment, that i realized arts ministry was something i wanted to pursue for the rest of my life.

it's a year later now. the passion for the arts in my heart has deepened. it's taken grip of who i am and where i want the church to go. i was telling a friend of mine at church on sunday how it's only been a year since i felt God call me into this and it's been amazing to see how much of a heart i have for it now.

so what was my experience like this year at willow? if i had to say it in one word, i would say inspired. i was inspired last year and i'm inspired again this year. but it's a different kind of inspired. maybe it's because the arts means so much more to me than ever before. this kind of inspired is deeper rooted. bill hybels was saying to us just how valued the artists in the church were. he was telling us that we have a power that we don't even know we have. that the arts helps people connect with God in ways that he could not do himself as a preacher. the arts engage the heart. wow. that hit me like a ton of bricks.

on the first day, there was a pro photographer, dewitt jones, from national geographic, who spoke to us. his talk was so incredibly inspiring and motivating. everything he said was so right on. at one point, he talked about training in your craft. man, that spoke volumes to me. i wondered about my future, about this whole arts deal. was i really training in my craft if i went to tyndale? see the thing about tyndale for me is this. i've always felt like i was "settling" for it, as opposed to really being called to be there. i decided that i had to stick around in toronto because of my situation with my parents. there's no way i wanted to leave them after all we've been through. i just couldn't do that. so where else would you go but tyndale? there's no other option. and really, there's only the m. div that you can do, and really, of all the majors to choose, only youth & family min. made sense. plus the fact that there wasn't ever any place i could go to train up as an arts pastor. that kind of training doesn't exist yet. the closest things i've found are at fuller seminary & at hillsong college, but even still, those don't really train you up specifically as an arts pastor. if you're following me here, i think this whole "settling" thing bothered me deep down, something i didn't realize until that day. i mean, was i destined to have another part of my life be another means to another end? couldn't i just do something i was really passionate about for once? here's the thing. that day, i learnt willowcreek offered this internship program that was joint with bethel seminary. it was a three year program and it blew my mind. basically, you could serve at willow in any capacity, learning whatever you wanted to learn, under the supervision and direction from staff at willow. you'd even be mentored and guided by some of the senior staff. i think i would die if i had the chance to be mentored by nancy beach. man oh man. and at the same time, you'd get a masters degree from bethel to boot! so it'd be like tyndale, but a million times better because you get a degree and you get practical hands-on training from the best of the best (in my opinion). wow. here was a program that i could do that would really train me up as an arts pastor!

dewitt jones also talked about stepping out and soaring with the eagles. that really resonated with me too. through all the trials and tribulations, through all the pain and suffering that i've faced in this life, i've always felt like God has something special in store for my life. and i'm sure that's true for everyone on this planet, but it's different for me. because it's not everyone that walks through such difficulties when they are so very young and face very adult-issues without knowing how or what to do in response to all of that. it's not everyone who has their core values/beliefs about themselves, and more importantly about God, completely rocked and challenged when they're barely into their 20s. this is the context through which i see life. and so when this idea of willowcreek presented itself, i wondered, i dreamed, if this was what God had put me through the fire for. maybe? would it be possible? i could think of nothing more awesome and incredible than it. i so want to soar with the eagles. i so want to step out in faith and be the person God's created me to be. i want to affect life change in the people around me. i want to be a champion for the cause of Christ in whatever i do. i want to inspire people to life Christ-focused lives, that bring glory and honour to His name. that's the beat of my heart.

immediately following the session, they had a q&a about the willow internship. i headed over there and listened. and that's where i learnt it was everything i ever hoped it would be. i don't really remember what we were doing after that, but as we walked to the car, i was lost in thought, wondering about the possibilities. i was really confused. was i to become an arts pastor right away? or was i to go this more indirect approach, by learning how to be a youth pastor first, and then somehow ending up as an arts pastor down the road? or was i supposed to be a pastor who had a real big passion for the arts (much like bill hybels is)? i wasn't really sure anymore.

the next morning, i got up early (like usual). i had nothing to do that morning before meeting up with my team, so i decided to take a walk. actually i wanted to swim, but the pool was closed, and there was nothing i could do about it. i figured i could use the time to pray and talk with God about the confusions i had in my heart about what had happened the previous day.

i found a bench that i eventually sat down on and decided to read some Scripture. i wasn't digging the whole random Scripture thing, so i read something familiar, proverbs 3:5-6. the interesting thing was, i never really paid much attention to the two verses after. i proceeded to read verses seven and eight, and here's what it said, "do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. this will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones." i wasn't sure whether this willow creek thing had mixed motives for me. i mean here's a church that encapsulated all the ideals and values that i would like a church to have. and here's a church that had amazing everything (i'm talking tech stuff here). it would be so easy to want to stay there and enjoy all that the church had to offer. when i read verse seven, i wondered if willow was something wise in my own eyes. i thought about how for the past four years, God's taken me down uncertain roads time and time again. i stayed in design because i knew God called me into it (despite my opposition to remaining in the program). i went on my cti trip despite opposition from all sides. and in both cases, God showed me that His ways were higher than mine. He showed me that He knew what He was doing, even though i didn't understand. and in that moment, it felt like God was saying to me that this was another part of life that He wanted me to trust Him with. yes, going to tyndale didn't make sense in my own eyes, but God knows so much better than i, and i believe that with all my heart.

verse eight spoke to me too. at that point, i'm thinking, so God, if i stay at tyndale, my health will be restored? practically speaking, if i went to willow, it would be more difficult to manage my fibromyalgia. could i still go to the pool and swim every day? would i still be able to see all the doctors and get all the medications i needed (one must factor in that the health care in the US is vastly different from canada)? like my cti trip, the biggest uncertainty for me was my health. i worried that by going, i would permanently damage my hands/arms/wrists. i had no idea that when i returned, my hands would be in such a better condition that before. i had no idea! and here's one very interesting thing that i learnt about God over the past few years. when He allows things to happen in your life, He uses those things to shape you. but not only that, He uses those events to prepare you for greater things in the future. that's a really scary thought. if i've had to face so much already in my short life, what else would He have in store? but knowing that, it was if this whole uncertainty with stepping into design and cti was to help me make sense of the moment i was in. sure tyndale didn't make any sense to me, but at the same time God was telling me that i had no idea what would be in store if i did stay around.

at this point, everything seems so very clear, right? willow is this amazing opportunity, yes, but it's not the right season to go. and i was fine with that. i long to do what God has called me to do. i want to be where God wants me to be. i want to pursue what is best, not simply what is good. that day, in one of the sessions, there was a point that one of the speakers made that really hit home for me in deciding all this. he was saying that sometimes, the place we needed to be was right in front of us. i looked around me. here was an amazing team of people from my church that were artists, who were passionate about seeing the arts come to fruition in our church. more specifically, here was a team of four other people in esc that i was working with since january, and we've had great times planning services. i'm inspired by these guys. that was it for me. God had confirmed the confusion for me through prayer, through His word, and through the church (the pastor).

saturday rolls around and i was thrown with a huge curve ball. we got home from willow and my dad decides that we should go out to celebrate my coming home. he's funny like that and i never mind eating a nice meal, so who am i to deny that? my mom was home earlier so i told her about this willowcreek internship deal. i wasn't trying to elicit a "yes you can go" response. i was simply very excited about an amazing opportunity. over dinner, i told my dad about it as well. he didn't seem to go for it either. the thing with me is, i'm a very passionate person. and when i'm passionate about something, i get really excited. arts ministry is one of my passions, so if i talk about it, i get really excited. so here i am at dinner getting really excited about the willowcreek internship program (without me even realizing). i could feel like something was swelling up in my soul wanting to burst. i was like mom, my eyes are sparkling. i can feel it. after a while, we switched topics. and then something happened that i would have never even thought possible. my dad said that i should go for it! it was like a light switched turned on in his head. he told me that i should go follow my dream. he was saying how he followed his dream to become a doctor (i knew this from before). wow. that knocked my socks off. i had no idea that he believed in me that much. i had no idea how much he stood behind me and supported me. he was willing to sacrifice comfort and luxury so that they could afford to send me off to willowcreek. incredible. that's love. i never knew just how deep it ran until that moment. i looked over to my mom, and simply said "mom?" i mean, would SHE let me go too? this is my mom i'm talking about here. i know how much she would miss me and stuff, and she said like if it was what God was calling me to do, she would support it. wow. both my parents were willing to sacrifice so much so that i could follow my dream. no words can express what that meant to me.

so here i was. confused yet again. was willowcreek to be considered? was God trying to tell me that i shouldn't give up on willow so easily? was willow the place where i would "soar with the eagles"? i had no answer, but i knew that God would make it clear to me. i decided that i would meet up with tim and jer, the two people who know me best and see what they thought about all of this.

i must say that whatever happens, i want to trust God with it. i want to follow Him to wherever He calls me, even if it doesn't make sense, even if it isn't wise in my own eyes. i know God knows what's best and i believe that with all my heart. i want the best and not simply what is good. so whatever that is, i lay down all my will and my rights and i surrender it to Him. and maybe, just maybe, i'll be able to soar with the eagles after all this is said and done.

"trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight" - proverbs 3:5-6 [NIV]

hospital trips

June 11, 2005

two weeks ago, my dad had to go the emerg. his health hasn't been so great lately and there was quite a bit of concern of what was causing the pain in his body. we thought it was kidney stones, but it was unclear. that saturday (may 28, 2005), my dad was in excruciating pain. it started when he was at his office, but he tried to fight it off by taking tylenol three pills during the rest of the day—it didn't work. by nightfall, he was in such pain that he finally gave in for us to drive him to the hospital. we went to stouffville hospital, thinking that it would be the best place to go despite the fact that we all knew it would be tough to be there—eric was in and out of stouffville many many times. it brought back a lot of tough memories. and more recently (january 2005), my mom was there too. i realized that night, that i've seen every single family member of mine in stouffville hospital, laying in bed for whatever reason. that was really tough. i was almost in tears tim when asked me how i was doing on the phone. i'm 23. this just isn't normal.

my dad was put in a bed in emerg that was adjacent to the bed where eric once was (sept 2002). there's memories/images that are burned into your mind that you cannot ever rid yourself of, even if they are really painful and trying. my mom and i sat/stood in the little space that they give each patient. you're not supposed to have two people in there with you, but rules are meant to be broken, especially foolish ones like that. people need support. wouldn't you want your family there beside you if you had to lay there? i certainly would. so i didn't see a point to following their little rule. my mom and i kept pretty quiet and stayed under the radar of the nurse. eventually they caught on and told us that one of us had to leave, but we stood there anyways.

apparently, my dad's kidney was on the verge of failing when we reached the hospital, so we got there at a really good time. he's okay now. i think all the kidney stones are out of his body. and so all that remains uncertain is my mom's health. she's had this uti infection since january and no one can figure out why. she's seen lots of doctors, done a lot of tests and still nothing. my dad suggested that she see a urologist soon to figure out what's going on. it's been a really taxing few months on all three of us. this uncertainty has been driving us all mad.

i was driving the other day and got stuck in morning traffic. i caught myself peering around the vehicle ahead of me, trying to figure out how bad the traffic was and if i should change my route to accommodate for it. i do that a lot. i want to see what's coming up so i can make alternative arrangements if necessary. if i know that a certain lane is bad, i'll switch over to the better lane. if all the lanes are jammed, i'll change my route so i don't get stuck in the traffic. the worst thing is not knowing what's ahead (maybe because you have really tall vehicles ahead of you, like a big mach truck for example). you don't know if the traffic is temporary or if it might be more long-term, and so you have no choice but to wait it out. i don't like that. i like having options. i like knowing what's coming.

isn't that so true for all of us? we want to plan everything before it happens, not during or after. and when we're hit with uncertainty we want so badly to eliminate that uncertainty. that is one of the worst possible human states. and that's where my family has been for the past several months. it's been so very taxing on all of us, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. my parents and i were planning on going on a family vacation at the end of august, but because of all the craziness with my mom & dad's health, it's been up in the air. i'm hoping that it'll all pass and we'll be able to take this vacation together. i haven't been on a vacation since like 1994 or something.

my family deals with a lot. i don't know many families who deal with all the sorts of trials and struggles that mines goes through, both collectively and individually. pain and tribulation seems to loom around us at every corner, every turn. i can't say i know why or what's going on, but despite all this, i believe God is in control. i believe He has a greater plan in store and that He does not give us more than we can handle. He is the faithful and true God. everything He does is in love. and that's where we can and must bank our hope.

grieving and mourning

June 4, 2005

i went to this talk on grieving and mourning with my mom two tuesdays ago (may 24, 2005). when she told me about it, i wasn't particularly fond of the idea. i guess i was afraid of what might happen if i went because you never know. dealing with death is a really touchy/delicate thing. but she persisted to ask me about it and i finally gave in. i mean, maybe this guy could help me deal with eric? after all, there's no like instruction manual in how to deal with death. and especially my being so young, i wondered if i had been dealing with it "properly." this of course, was all before the previous friday, when i was at the unite conference. after that friday, i felt so very liberated. but my mom signed us up already, so i wasn't going to bail out on her.

nonetheless, the day of, i was a little hesitant to go. maybe it was one of my defense mechanisms kicking in, trying to protect me from potential harm. the place was packed. there wasn't a single parking spot in sight! apparently the speaker was a really well-known guy who wrote something like 40 books on death. he had a lot of good insights. i'll highlight the ones that really stood out to me.

first, he made a point about how our western society has tried to "speed" up the process of grieving and mourning. in fact, it's only in the western culture where we should be "over" death in a year or so. other cultures don't take that approach at all, and i think they have it right. he shared a shocking story about how a person at work had lost someone in her life and kept pictures of that person in her cubicle with her. a year after the death, some of the person's coworkers came in and said it's about time you moved in and took away the pictures. i couldn't believe my ears. but that's reality. we live in a society where we want results and progress. we don't figure that in life, there are some things where that simply does not apply.

second, he made a distinction about how grieving and mourning are two distinct things. the first being individual and the second, social. when i think about myself, i think i've done a lot of grieving and not much mourning. i rarely talk about eric to anyone, except my mom and sometimes jer, both of whom i appreciate very much for their listening and support. no one asks me about him, so i don't bring it up. i guess they think after "so long," you'd be "over it" or whatever. but i learnt that normally it's not the first year that's the hardest, but the second and third year. it hasn't been two years yet, but it seems like it's been forever. the speaker did mention that journalling can be a very therapeutic thing, and can also be part of the mourning process. since this journal was always intended to keep a track of what i think and feel, i suppose it also has been a way for me to mourn.

third, he presented the idea that there are three types of people: the therapeutic third, the neutral, and the negative (i forget his term). there are people in your life who will be there for you, who will listen to you, who will support you. these are the therapeutic third and these are the people you need in your life. the neutral aren't really for you but they're not really against you either. the negative people are the people you stay far, far away from. these are the people in the story above. they may or may not know the incredible hurt their words inflict.

fourth, he talked about how people who have dealt with death don't approach relationships the same as they used to. they are more reclusive and isolated. they don't initiate the relationship (this could be anything, friendship, romantic, family, etc.) with others as much. it's not that they don't want to, but it's a very scary thing to open up to others again, especially if you have people in are in that negative group. when you lose someone, i think a part of your heart goes with them. in any relationship, you put your heart on the line. you become vulnerable. i can't think of anything more wounding then death. so to open your heart up again to others, it's a really hard thing to do. i think also it's just because you want to be alone sometimes. i find that these are very characteristic of me. i rarely initiate relationships with people anymore, though i suppose i never was really good at doing that to begin with. granted, there have been exceptions to this, but for the most part, it's so very true.

fifth, he mentioned that grieving and mourning can be unresolved. he knew a guy that lost his mother when he was really young, and that 39 years later, he was still dealing with it. i do NOT want that to be me.

sixth, he discussed the idea of visual triggers. he talked about how visual triggers were a GOOD thing. to actually have things like photos around, maybe their clothes, toys/trinkets that they might have owned, anything that reminded you of them. a lot of people hide their photos away of people who passed away in their family. it's "too difficult" for the picture to be hanging up. i mean i can understand it. even i thought it was a little off when a family in extreme makeover: home edition hung a picture of the man's wife who just passed away in a very prominent place in the house. i mean that's gotta be so hard, to walk pass that picture countless times during the day. but at the same time, it makes so much sense.

seventh, there will be times when you have these "grief moments." where all of a sudden, a wave of emotions hit and you start crying. it might be a visual trigger or a smell or whatever, but something makes you suddenly remember them and when that happens, to not suppress it or hold back. let the moment happen.

eighth, people don't get over death nor do they let go. the reality of the death will always be there. it's not something you can just mask away. it's about learning to look to the past, live in the present and dance into the future.

all in all, the talk was very encouraging. i actually had a good time being there. but more than that, it helped me to figure out that i was on the right path. he made up a list of things that meant you were mourning well and i had a lot of the items. one last thing, he made it a point to say how the road to healing is THROUGH, not around. to deal with the pain, you have to walk through it. if you go around, you'll end up like that guy who had unresolved issue from almost 40 years before. yes through is a lot harder and a lot more painful. going through will engage the heart, soul and mind. there will be tears and a lot of emotions. and however difficult it may be, it's the only way to do it. there's no shame in missing them or crying or anything. that was another key point. there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with that!

one assignment he gave to all of us as he closed, was to think of our departed loved one's smile, and think of good memories that we had with them, and if that caused some tears, it'd be a beautiful thing. and so i did that. as i rested in bed, i thought of eric's wonderful smile, the good times we had together, and i drifted off to sleep. i think that was one of the best sleeps i had in a long time.

the faithfulness anthem

June 2, 2005

two fridays ago (may 20, 2005), i went to the unite productions, unite in worship conference. i had wanted to go the entire three days, but due to circumstances, i couldn't make it the other days. i was particularly interested in going on friday because there was two-workshops on creative arts. i was really excited for it. i think ever since i figured out that this was a big passion of mine, i've wanted to learn as much as i can about it. the difficulty is that because it's such a new concept, i don't know where to go to learn more. though my church IS sending me to the willowcreek arts conference in two weeks. i've been looking forward to this conference since last year. in any case, i wasn't expecting anything going in on friday morning, except that i wanted to learn about how to incorporate the arts into church services. i had no idea what i'd be in for.

brian doerksen was leading worship that morning. i was blown away. i've never had an opportunity to see him lead. he's fantastic. transitions were smooth, themes were woven together through the songs, spoken word and prayer. he helped cultivate a beautiful atmosphere of worship, never once breaking it for the entire hour he lead.

we sang songs that morning about the faithfulness of God. that's been the anthem of my heart for a long time now. if there's one characteristic that i know God to be, it's faithful. i know what it's like to be in the deepest and darkest valleys. i have experienced pain upon pain, sorrow upon sorrow, yet my Heavenly Father has been there every step of the way. He has fulfilled every promise. He has never left me or abandoned me. He has carried me through the impossible. He has given me peace when peace didn't make sense. He gave me hope when hope was nowhere to be found. faithful. that's who God is to me.

i believe with every fiber of my being that God is who He says He is. i believe that He will carry onto completion the good work He starts. i believe that He works for the good of those who love Him. i believe for those He calls, He also equips. i believe His grace abounds in the most insurmountable circumstances. i believe He is exceedingly capable to more than we could ever ask or imagine.

song after song, the theme of God's faithfulness was woven more deeply, sung more intimately. the banner of God's faithfulness flew over us that morning. the more we sang, the more i went after God, proclaiming, declaring what i knew to be true of Him. and the more i went after God, the more intimate it became. tears rolled down my face as i sang. there were no words i could say to express how grateful and thankful i was to Him. who was i that He would care and love me so much? who was i?

i realized that morning that while i had intended to go to the conference purely to learn about arts, God had something else up His sleeve. earlier on that week, i had prayed that God would help me let go of eric. i asked Him to be the concrete thing that i could hold onto. i had realized that i never asked God to help me let go. i only asked God to help me get through. the worship set placed me in the perfect setting to hear God's word. there was a message delivered that morning by one of the keynote speakers. now i don't remember what he was talking about, but at one point he started talking about 1 peter 5:7 [NIV], "cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you." i memorized that verse a long time ago, but it's funny how it didn't hit me until the guy started talking about it. i knew, at that moment, God was speaking to me. if i wanted to be free (something i've desired for so very long), i had to stop carrying my own load and give it to Him. i was holding on to my brother all the days since he passed and not once did i give him to God. more tears rolled down my face. maybe i was scared. scared of what might happen if i let go. it seems irrational in retrospect, but that's how all things seem after the fact (this is called the hindsight bias).

at the end of the message, the speaker did a calling. i think he could sense that there were a lot of broken people in the room, ones who were holding onto things, trying to make it on their own power. i was one of them. i wanted so badly that God would step in and takeover. that He would heal the wounds of my heart. and the funny thing is, i hesitated. it took me a couple moments to muster enough courage to go up to the front. i think i was scared of what people might think. i still value how people perceive me. but the more ridiculous thing about it is, is that i went to the conference alone. i didn't really know anyone there! so in reality, what difference would it make if people thought something of me as i went to the front. after thinking about this for a while, i realized how silly i was being, and walked right up to the front. as we approached, the band was already playing some music. brian felt like the Spirit was leading him to sing a sung over us (one that he never played with hi band before). still more tears. this time it was like a floodgate had opened up and streams of tears flowed from my eyes. we stood there for a while, meditating, praying, letting the Holy Spirit do His thing in each one of us, while the band played more songs. after a while, the speaker came back up to pray over us. it was powerful. i felt so free. it was as if God, in that moment, reached in and mended the brokenness of my heart with His seal (remember what i wrote in the entry "punctured"? to seal a air leak, you need to use this rubbery stuff and glue and stick it in the hole where the leak is. it doesn't eliminate the leak because physically it will always be there, but it stops air from leaking out. sure, i was still punctured in the sense that eric's death is still a reality and that reality won't ever change, but, the brokenness, the wounds that were a result of it had been mended. God had sealed my leaking heart).

that night, united live did a concert. a pastor from hillsong australia came over and spoke to us. again, i don't really remember what he was talking about, but at one point, he was talking about our brokenness. normally, that message would have resonated with me. anytime anyone talks about brokenness, struggles, pain, i always relate, because that's been my life for the past two years. but that night, to my surprise and astonishment, it felt like that wasn't me anymore. it's not that i couldn't relate, but it was different. it felt different. it was because of the work of God that morning. i was free. free to move on. free to let go.

"so if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed" - john 8:36 [NIV]