no sacrifice

August 17, 2005

about two weeks ago, i got a phone call from a good friend of mine. she told me that one of our missionary friends from YWAM mexico was stranded at pearson airport in toronto—a result of the plane crash. it was a particularly nice surprise. i haven't seen the guy since i was in mexico in 2003, and quite honestly, i never thought i would see him again. interestingly, one of my friends from my old church had meet him in east asia last year and exchange contact information. so what does he do when he's stranded at the toronto airport? he gives her a call. my friend calls my other friend to see if she could arrange housing at her place and that's where it all began.

our missionary friend actually had wanted to come by and see us, but there were a lot of practical issues in the way of it. for example, his flight was only a stop-over in toronto, on his way back to nashville—there simply wasn't enough time for it to happen. add to that, he had no means of getting over to where we lived. but, it all seemed to have worked out that night for him to enter back into our lives and for us to get a glimpse of what's been happening with him for the past two years.

through listening to him speak and shore stories with us, the thought i had over the next two days was simple this: it is not and never will be a sacrifice to obediently follow God's calling for our lives, whether big or small. i find that people who enter full time ministry, especially missionaries and pastors, have this kind of deep, unspoken respect from their peers. it's as if they made this incredible sacrifice in order to follow God's call. and it's as if only certain people are able to make that sacrifice. do you really think so? do i really think so? maybe i did once.

being a missionary or a pastor isn't a decision someone just takes on lightly. no, there are countless struggles and battles that people who have been called to such a life will face. and they will face disappointment, discouragement, frustration, hurt, isolation, uncertainty, you name it. though let us not forget the glorious moments of joy, happiness, fulfillment and worth. needless to say, it's not an easy life. we also know that missionary and pastors don't make a lot of money, but that's not my point either, but it must be said. you know what jobs like that are? insecure.

why would anyone want to live that life when they could live a life of lavish luxury and security? does it seem like it would be a sacrifice to walk down such a road? can i let you in on a little secret? it's not.

while such vocations are hardly glamorous or even desirable by many, the reward at the end of it is priceless. hearing my friend share his stories about what God was doing over in east asia was incredible. but even more so was his underlying passion and joy that fueled it. this guy loved being there. he absolutely loved it. when you love doing something, it doesn't mean that it comes without ever having difficulty. difficulty is always present, and especially so when you are doing the work of God. my friend was not without his moments of struggle and hardship. but when he spoke, you could see his eyes sparkle and a beaming smile that lit up his face.

yes, he's a missionary. and yes, it might seem like a sacrifice to others. but i know one thing is true. if you ever get a chance to listen to this guy talk, you'll know that he doesn't consider it to be a sacrifice. he's on the ride of his life, living up what God has called him to do, what God created him to do. how is it a sacrifice for him to obey God's calling and see God move in miraculous ways through his life? sure he had to "give up" things like having a high earning potential, or job security, or possibly even his own safety, but that pales so much in comparison to the fulfillment and joy and wonder that he's able to experience in seeing God move. i'll even say it's not even a matter of comparison because there's no way you can compare earthly riches with heavenly riches. it's choosing what is true, what is of real value over what isn't. as olive used to say, it's not a sacrifice to obey God because we are exchanging what we have for what is is truly better (you can also read my post entitled "deserving?")

purpose + passion + obedience = fulfillment, joy, wonder.

i'll end up being a pastor one day. it's easy for me to think about all the could bes. i know i could do quite well for myself as a designer. i've been told that by professionals and i've been recognized in the design industry through various awards over the past few years. even my friends and family tell me that. some might even say it's a huge sacrifice for me to pursue full time ministry. case in point, last week i met up with some design friends. i had thought that everyone knew i was headed to seminary in september. but there was this one guy who didn't. he was shocked beyond belief—it was as if a bomb had just dropped on him. the whole night, he was really talkative until that point. after that, he was pretty quiet. he couldn't believe what he was hearing. at the end of the night, he said something like, "of ALL the careers you could do leo.... pastor?!?!!?" i bet he was thinking this: why in the world would someone give up a promising career in design to be a pastor?

while making a nice salary and having great job security would be nice, it just doesn't compare to the surpassing richness of obeying Christ. i've known for years that i was cut out for the normal 9-5 job. i've known for years that i've had a passion for building up the Church and spurring the Church to seek greater things. i want to live a life that is sold out to Christ, that is all about magnifying His worth to all people. i want to make an impact on this world in the name of Christ. i want my life to be all about establishing His Kingdom here on earth.

that is the life that i choose to life. and no matter what people think, it is not a sacrifice.

"but whatever was to my profit i now consider loss for the sake of Christ. what is more, i consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake i have lost all things." - phillipians 3:7-8 [NIV]

great are You

August 14, 2005

i was asked to create a video that celebrated the greatness of God for a church service in july. the project took a day from start to finish. it was the first time i incorporated video with motion graphics and stills. the song is called "great are You" by downhere.

http://www.pixelsparks.com/dropbox/greatareyou-low.mov

you can simply click the link and it will stream from the server. if you'd like to download it to your computer, right click the link, and go to "save target as" or "download linked file." be warned, the file is large, about 27 MB. you'll also need quicktime to play the file.

it's been two years

August 13, 2005

today is the two year mark since eric left. it feels a lot longer than that, like an eternity has passed since i last saw him. and in some ways it has been: i've graduated my four year program, i'm heading into masters, i went to vancouver for an internship placement, i've learnt so much about myself and my passions, to list a few. so many things have happened in these two years. but even still, i still vividly remember so many of the moments i had with him over his 23 years here, as if they were just yesterday.

sometimes i see eric in people. if someone has a certain look (their hair may be cut in a certain way), or someone laughs or talks in a certain way, i see him. sometimes i see him in the places i go. just being in a spot where i went with my brother will trigger emotions and memories. yesterday i went to blackmore to play tennis with my cell group. that was the first time i walked onto those courts since eric left. it was strange being there. there were a lot of memories. eric and i used to go there all the time to play tennis in the summer. that was our court of choice. it was also strange when we were in chicago and i went to olive garden with my church. that was our favourite restaurant and we always longed to go back after they closed down and left canada. i guess that's just the way it is when you still live in the same city. eric and i went all over the place, so i have memories of him everywhere i go. but i don't think that's a bad thing. it helps me remember. it helps me relive some of those precious moments.

i wish my brother could see where i am now. sometimes i wonder how he would look at me and how he would think about me. would he be proud about the accomplishments i've made? would he be proud of the direction my life is headed towards? would he be happy with the person i've become?

eric was one of the greatest supporters i've had in this life. he always believed in me and encouraged me to try things. he had more faith in me than i did in myself. i think he saw a lot more of my potential than i did. i remember how when i got into design, he wasn't very surprised. i remember when i received my grades back for certain projects that i was really shaky about, he wasn't the least bit shocked. that's the kind of person my brother was. that's how strong he was for me. i think i needed that. i think i still do.

i've been dreading this day for a while now because soon, i will have outlived the number of days that eric lived. that's messed up to me. i mean, after all, he was two years older than me.

i felt like i needed to write something tonight. last august 13 (2004), i was still on my missions trip. i remember sitting on the bus starring off into the night sky, thinking a lot about eric. i remember wanting someone to ask me how i was doing, what i was thinking, but it never came. even now, it rarely comes. i think people are afraid to ask me sometimes. i guess it's because it's one of those "touchy" issues that people don't want to address, because it might stir up emotions and make someone sad, and perhaps even cry. i see nothing wrong with that. sure it's touchy?i don't know what other life event would be more touchy than death. and sure, i might cry or get emotional, but that's part of being human and that's how we process through this. i guess what i'm saying is, we shouldn't avoid asking people tough questions like this to "spare" their emotions or whatever. that goes for anything in life. because something like this is real and deeply rooted. to not ask is almost like denying that it never happened and i think that's more hurtful to that person than to ask and potentially stir up their emotions.

if you're a friend to someone, wouldn't you ask them how they're doing? and when you ask them how they're doing, don't you want to know all the details about everything? i certainly would. it's easy to blanket a "how are you statement" to any person. that's how we are in this culture. and because it's such a norm, you'll get the standard "i'm good" response. but if someone were to ask you specifically about something that you were dealing with/thinking about, wouldn't it mean that much more to you (even if it could stir up emotions)? it would to me. but don't get me wrong here. i'm not saying that everyone who asks you "how are you doing" aren't your friends; most of them probably are. i think with your closest friends, that's all they need to ask you before you blurt out everything that's going on. but i think there are times when being specific shows how much you care about that person (even if they are closest to you). and being specific also helps people who don't reflect much to think about certain things in their lives, or even to get them to open up more (maybe it's too hard to talk about unless someone asks them about it, or maybe they just need someone to take the first step to ask).

i noticed that how i felt last year compared with how i feel this year is quite different. last year i was much sadder and a lot more down about it being the one year mark. this year, not as much. i suppose you can't live in the past forever and that you do have to move on and proceed with life (note that when i say move on, i don't mean that you forget the past or deny it's existence). and it's been a while since i've shed tears over eric. maybe that's healthy. i don't know. though i do see eric every time i look at his pooh bear. his pooh bear and the rest of his stuffed animals sit in my bedroom so i see them everyday. lots of people always ask me why i have two eeyores and poohs. one was eric's, one was mine. i'm not about to give them. not now, not ever.

eric, i miss you.

being stretched

August 11, 2005

i started physiotherapy about three weeks ago. my mom thought it would be a good idea to see if it could help my whole fibromyalgia deal. to be honest, i've had some bad experiences with physiotherapists in the past. the last one i went to was really bad. they told me to do things that actually caused me more pain. without knowing much about the body, i listened to them thinking they knew best. needless to say, i was a lot more careful this time around.

my new physiotherapist knows a lot more than my prior one. this guy actually knows what he's talking about; it wasn't long before i trusted that he knew what he was doing. and because i trust him, i let him do what he knows best to do. every time i go to physiotherapy, there's a few things that happen: he uses this micro-electric current to relax a specific area of my body, he stretches me out by moving parts of my body and holding them in certain positions, and more recently some weight training (really light, so it's not even weight training).

the stretching part is uncomfortable. as i lay there, he'll push a part of my body this way, or pull it this way, or hold in this way. it's not the best feeling in the world, but i know that in the long run, the uncomfortableness and even the pain is worth it. to allow him to stretch me takes trust. if i didn't trust him, i would resist his efforts. after all, nobody wants to feel pain or be uncomfortable. all this stretching got me thinking about my situation.

i know God knows the best. i know God knows what He's doing. the problem is that every time more pain comes or more uncomfortableness comes in my life, my judgement is clouded and i don't see those truths that clearly. and i wondered, did i trust God enough to allow Him to stretch me in whatever way He desired? did i trust that God knew what He was doing and He only desired the best for me? would i allow myself to be stretched by Him or would i resist His efforts? could i trust that everything i've been through was for a greater purpose than what i saw?

the Bible talks about how God is our potter and we are the clay. while i haven't a clue about pottery, i'm convinced that the potter has a certain goal in mind when the start going for it. and i believe God is the same. He sees what the clay will become. the thing with the clay, is that the clay has no choice but to be molded and shaped. it simply becomes what the potter desires of it. it's different with humans because of choice. if we really wanted to, we could jump off the pottery wheel and try to become whatever we try to fashion for ourselves. to some of us, that's the best course of action. take control of your life and make things happen. i believe the best course of action is to remain exactly where we are—in the potter's hands. granted, we might be pushed and pulled in ways that are uncomfortable to us or ones that even cause us pain. and granted it'll be tough in those moments. but one glorious day, when all is said and done, the potter will have completed His work and we will finally see how all the molding and shaping worked to form the beautiful pottery piece that we had become.

this is the word that came to jeremiah from the LORD : "go down to the potter's house, and there I will give you my message." so i went down to the potter's house, and i saw him working at the wheel. but the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. then the word of the LORD came to me: "O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?" declares the LORD. "Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel." - jeremiah 18:1-6 [NIV]

full strength

August 5, 2005

last week, as i was showering, i noticed that the temperature of the water was a lot hotter than normal. at the halfway point, the water was already pretty intense. it was unusual since halfway is typically equivalent to lukewarm. one thing i love about the shower at the club is that the water can get really hot. so hot, that if you're not careful, you can probably burn yourself. my shower at home isn't quite the same. i can max it at full strength (the hottest setting possible) and it's nowhere close to the hotness that the club shower has.

have you ever put your shower at full strength? maybe other people in the house got to the shower before you did and as a result, the water just wasn't as hot. not enjoying a cold shower, you turned the dial to the hottest possible setting. it's good for a while, the temperature is hot. but you quickly notice that the water temperature soon becomes lukewarm.

the ideal scenario for showering is to have extra reserves. what i mean by this is to NOT set the dial to full strength. you want the option of getting more hot water during the shower. since hot water is a consumable resource, it will inevitably run out. but if you don't max the water at full strength, you'll still have reserves for more hot water.

a lot of us live life at full strength. we put in all we have and go full on. we do as much as humanly possible and exhaust ourselves. how many times have you arrived home after a full day completely exhausted and drained? while i see nothing wrong with giving your all at whatever you do (i do in fact this is the way we should approach whatever we do, see colossians 3:23), exhausting ourselves at a task is not ideal.

a lot of people who talk about financial planning talk about always keeping some money set aside for emergencies. it's bad planning if you are just getting by until the next pay check. if you're spending habits cause you to just get by, it's time to re-evaluate how you use money. the point of setting money aside is to anticipate for life. sometimes life happens and you'll get into a jam. if you don't plan for that, you'll be caught off guard and you might not be able to accommodate. maybe your car breaks down and the car is vital for your job. maybe your refrigerator blows out and you need to replace it. events like that. maybe more seriously, a friend falls ill and needs money to cover hospital expenses. you never know.

this is the way we should manage our lives. we can't just run at full strength all the time. we can't just put out so much that we just make it for the day. what happens if a friend needs our help? what happens if a family emergency comes up? if we're running at full, we'll be completely exhausted. we won't have anything else to give. and most likely, we'll be grumpy and not pleasant to be around. we may go through the motions, but not be fully present for the people we love. to live life with extra reserves is strategic. it allows us to anticipate and accommodate unexpected situations. and more importantly, it allows us to be there for the people we love, fully present, at all times.