award mania?

September 26, 2005

achievement, status, prestige, fame. powerful words for some of us. the desire to be known, recognized, praised for our accomplishments is universal. i can't think of anyone who wouldn't want to be recognized for a job well done. some of us relish more in the praise of man than others. the limelight motivates these people to do what they do, whether that devoting all their time to be successful, making connections, etc. i've never cared much for any of this. but what would you do if you kept getting recognized by others, in large-scale ways?

this is my story. over the past two years, i've been recognized several times by design industry professionals and by educators for my work. i had never even considered applying for awards (aside from trying to get my work into a local, on-campus design magazine), until i was encouraged by a professor to do so. i thought it might be fun to apply to some and see what other design professionals thought of my work and how it would stand up to other designers. some of these were local, others were international.

that's when it all began. since i was getting recognized, i figured i'd apply to other awards and see what would happen. upon each recognition, i would enter it into my resume. back then, i wasn't sure what was going to happen upon graduation, so having them in my resume would be helpful to attract potential employers. up until this year, i never noticed how many recognitions i received. most of the earlier ones weren't a big deal to me (excluding portfolios.com), so i didn't think much of them. but this year, everything changed. suddenly, my work was being awarded by bigger names and being recognized in much wider audiences.

i've never made it a point to tell people that i was given this award or featured in this book/magazine, beacuse i never saw a point to it. i'd only tell my parents and really close friends. but for the sake of this entry, i'm going to list them out, because it's the reason why i'm left confused.

to date, i've been recognized in seven different ways:
- Featured work in Print Magazine’s 2005 Digital Design Annual (Sept/Oct 2005 issue)
- Portfolios.com 2005 Awards, Gold & Silver Award
- 2005 RGD Student Award, featured in Applied Arts Magazine (Sept 2005 issue)
- Portfolios.com 2004 Awards, Gold & Merit Award
- Design Against Fur 2004 Competition, Honourable mention
- Featured work, Kalon poster, in 2003/2004 Verso Magazine

yesterday, i was snooping around google, searching on a domain name that i own (yes, i do that sort of thing when i'm bored). i learnt that a website i designed was supposedly featured in print magazine's 2005 digital design annual. i didn't remember applying for the competition, so i thought it was some kind of mistake. there was NO way i could have been featured in a magazine like print! to make a long story short, i headed over to chapters this afternoon to see if could really be true. and lo and behold, there it was! i had to look at it several times before i realized it was actually there. i guess i did apply to it.

this competition is like no other i've been involved in. everything before it was against other student designers (that's not to say that student designers aren't worthy of competing with. they are amongst some of the brightest, most talented people i've ever seen. and winning the RGD student award was a huge deal to me, because it involved all the graduating design students in ontario, including my own peers from my program (you have to understand that people i graduated with are just ridiculous. they are gifted beyond belief and they totally wipe the floor with me when it comes to design. they do things that i couldn't even imagine in my head! i was literally shocked when i learnt that i won that award). this competition was against industry professionals, from all around the world. these were the freelancers, the design firms, you name it.

i've never seen myself as a designer worthy of recognition like this. the reason for that? i've always thought that i was a jack-of-all-trades master-of-none person. a person who was good at everything, but not excellent in anything. i thought that way about myself in design. i knew that i did good work, but it wasn't the type of work that would wow your socks of. and as stated above, my classmates did work that was just incredible, work that i could never even dream of doing. but maybe i was wrong. maybe i am a great designer? maybe i do excel at something? a part of me can't admit something like that. i just can't believe it to be true. maybe that stems from the self-esteem issues i have.

so what's my big deal with all of this? it confuses me! i don't know why i keep getting recognized. i mean, i know that it's all God's doing, so is it supposed to mean something? am i supposed to learn something? is there more to the story than i realize?

perhaps there's two things happening here with all these awards.

1. the devil's trying to lure me out of ministry
being at tyndale these past two-three weeks has given me a lot to think about. it's a lot harder than i thought. i'm behind before i started. everyone seems to already know all the concepts, while everything is all brand new to me. there's concepts and words that i've never even heard of! i feel like everyone's at least a few steps ahead of me. i don't even know how to do the "simple" writing assignments because i've never had those type of writings before. it's frustrating. really, really frustrating. i don't even know why i'm in the youth ministry stream to begin with!

enter the design industry. there are some nice perks. one, if you're good at what you do, you can make a really good living for yourself. two, you can work on really cool projects, projects that you might see in stores, on billboards, public transit, you name it! three, you get to work with other creative people, people that really get how you think and function. four, creative challenges are always different, so you're constantly trying to think up fresh ideas/approaches to things. this keeps what you do alive and interesting.

on the other hand, the design industry can be really intense and stressful. i guess this depends on the firm you work at, because burnkit (the place i interned at) was really chill. it had a great environment. also, i know that design, in and of itself, does not satisfy me. i've felt this way for the longest of times even when the situation/job/people was as ideal as could be. i also know that God knows WAY better than i do and that i need to trust Him and walk by faith. still, the pull of heading into an industry that i could be really successful at is tempting nonetheless, especially when it wouldn't be as frustrating as tyndale is for me (or at least it seems that way now). the devil attacks us in our weakness

how fickle am i? why is this thought of going into design always rolling around in my head when i know better? the battle rages on.

2. God's trying to tell me something
maybe God's trying to raise up my confidence levels in myself
i used to be a lot more confident in high school than i am now. i was never afraid of doing anything. i never doubted myself. i never second-guessed my abilities. now, i question myself all the time. i hardly ever feel like i'm adequate or good enough for the task at hand. it feels like i'm the polar opposite of what i used to be. either side of this is not right.

if you rely solely on your own skills and abilities, without ever acknowledging God, you've cut Him out of the picture and it becomes all about you, when it should be all about Him. i remember a pastor sharing about his experiences at the willowcreek art conference. he was saying that he had become so good as preaching/preparing sermons, that he would have been just fine without seeking/consulting God about it. after some time, he realized just how wrong that was.

but on the flip side, if you don't think you're able to do anything at all, you'll probably be left with a lot of self-doubt. self-doubt can cause people to jump ship at any sign of difficulty/challenge, causing them to potentially miss out on something great. self-doubt can freeze people from ever attempting new things. self-doubt creates a very narrow, inward focus. it becomes all about you and your lack of ability and takes it off God, the God of all possibilities. this is not the way to live the Christian life.

what we need is a healthy balance between the two, understanding that we can be confident in our skills and abilities, but realizing that God has given them to us, and that He is the source of it all. maybe i need to relearn this and re-believe it.

maybe i don't have to give up design altogether to go into ministry.
excellence is one of my core values. it's what i'm about. louie giglio, once said something along these lines, that there aren't enough Christians in the world that are excellent at what they do. this is problematic. excellence is related to character. if you were working in the world as a Christian and did not do your job well, you most likely would not have the respect of your peers. however, if you were doing extremely well, people would respect you. respect gives you leverage, authority into the lives of others. this gives you a place to share your faith. people will not listen to what you say unless they respect who you are. working in a design firm, even part-time, would be a great place of inspiration, growth and learning. i think there's a lot more that i could learn in this industry. and at the same time, it could be a great place to connect with unchurched people. i've found that there really aren't that many Christians in the design industry. who will go and reach these people?

another part to this, is that if you don't keep practicing design, you will lose it. my professors said that at the end of our graduation show and that's a very scary thought to me. i don't want to lose this.

here's the thing, i know in my heart of hearts that church ministry (though which aspect of ministry is still undecided) is what i'm truly passionate about and design is not. at the same time, while i'm not passionate about design, i really do enjoy doing it when it's on my own time. and if it's for some kind of church ministry, i get pretty excited about it too. when i don't design for a time, i miss it. perhaps the deeper level of that, is that i need outlets of creative expression in visual media, whether that be video, design or photography. *shrugs* but if design is an area that needs further exploration, i'm open to it.

so what now?
i have no resolution to this, except that i need to think, process and pray about it more. maybe i'm making a big deal out of nothing or maybe it's something that needs my attention. only time will tell.

ill-equipped: perception vs. reality

September 20, 2005

it's only been a week since i've first started classes at tyndale and already thoughts are whirling around my head on a multitude of different things, one of which includes being equipped for ministry.

while my interactions with other students has been limited (how many people can you meet in a week realistically speaking?), i've met lots of seminary students, including first years, that are already engaged in ministry in an official setting. that is, they are on staff at a church in some capacity or another (this is how i will use the term official in this entry). i've met youth pastors, church planters, english pastors and worship pastors. most of these people are studying at tyndale part-time because of their heavy obligations at church. and all of these students are non-chinese. they are caucasian, african, and korean. i have never met any staff (other than admin. people & interns) in a chinese church that did not have a degree in ministry.

that got me thinking about ministry and how i viewed it. how is that these people could be pastors when they didn't have a degree yet? i thought most churches only hired people onboard after they had attended a seminary of some kind and graduated. i had never heard of that before in the suburban/urban church settings that i was aware of. to provide some context, i've been in the chinese church since 1990, so when i refer to churches/church settings, i'm referring to the chinese church.

for as long as i can remember, i've always felt ill-equipped for ministry. i've never felt adequate to serve in any area because i didn't have any formal training (but that never stopped me from stepping out and trying it). some may argue this is a good thing, for it causes you to really rely on God for His strength and provision in the ministry. i believe this whole heartedly. any ministry we engage in has to be approached with a heart of humility and fear, for we are serving the Lord. we cannot serve the Lord with a prideful and haughty heart. it cannot work. serving and humility go hand in hand. however, on the flip side of things, there is nothing wrong with being confident in moving to a ministry God has called us to, because those that He calls, He will also equip. and not only that, if God calls you into a ministry that He has given you gifts in, you certainly do not have to feel inadequate about it.

this issue has come up before as i've talked with friends. i believe it's because of our upbringing in a chinese baptist church. there is such a strong push for being equipped (i.e. formal training), that as emerging leaders no one feels adequate for the task at hand. i remember a friend of mine telling me that verbatim. we were talking about evangelism and she was saying how she never felt prepared enough to go evangelize to others. i think this mentality hold true in a much broader sense.

from what i understand of the chinese baptist tradition, there is a much stronger inward focus on church members than the outside community. the life of the church becomes primarily about training and preparing ourselves: sermons, sunday school classes, fellowships are all about equipping yourself. the problem is, this training/equipping process never seems to end. it goes year after year after year. you know what happens year after year? people who are exposed to this kind of mentality are lead to believe that they are never prepared enough to do the task. there's always something else to learn, some other training to go to before stepping into the ministry. while this is true, if we think like that, nothing will ever get done. i somehow thought i was immune to buying into this mentality, but i realized that i wasn't. it's affected the way i view myself and my capacity for ministry. i don't feel like i'm cut-out to do anything ministry related, even though i know God's given me gifts in those areas, and even though i've had success in those ministry areas. how ridiculous is that?

i can sum up my points in two equations. this is the thought i've grown up in:

formal training = prepared for ministry = person can be hired as staff
anything else = not prepared for ministry = person can only (at most) be a lay person (even this is subject).

it's only now that i realized i, and many others, have believed this.

quite recently, an incident in a church came up in a meeting where one of the older leaders was saying that the sunday school teachers were Biblically illiterate (harsh words, i know). what was the cause for such an accusation? they hadn't had any formal training in teaching, understanding the Bible, etc. and while that is true, that leader failed to realize there are a host of other ways of learning that does not involve formal training.

somewhere along the way, we lost the notion that life experiences, informal training (like attending workshops/conferences), mentorship/coaching/apprenticeship could be valuable tools in being prepared for ministry. we've downplayed their importance. and this is so wrong.

life experiences and mentoring can teach you things you could never learn in an institution. why? in most institutions, what you learn is theories. theories are generally idealistic and cannot be specifically applied to a given situation. it can provide you a good framework and background, but it does not give you the specifics on what to do. and the truth of the matter is, life is hardly idealistic. it's hardly representative of what you might read in a textbook. so how do you deal with that? how do you learn what it's truly like? you experience it and learn from that. that's where the value of life experiences and mentoring comes into play, because either you've experienced it yourself or someone else who has experienced it is sharing with you what they've learnt in the process.

so what's my point in all of this? i feel like i've been tricked into believing this lie of never being prepared enough or equipped enough. this has caused me to doubt myself and doubt God at times about what could be done through me for His Kingdom purposes. and i believe this has happened to many of us who have grown up in such a mentality.

God's given me quite a share of life experiences up to this point. i've faced unexpected death and sicknesses of all kind (personal and family). each of these experiences have shaped my understanding of myself and of God. they have transformed my idealistic thoughts (head knowledge. i think everything we learn is idealistic until we experience it for ourselves in some way. what you know in your head is useless unless it is tested. it is only in the test that you find out whether or not what you know in your head is true. and so until the test [experience] comes, it remains idealized) into ones that are grounded in reality (heart knowledge). they have given me a much deeper and richer understanding of life, myself, other people and of God. because of this, i feel much older than a 23 year old, both physically (because of my fibromyalgia) and mentally (of all the things i've learnt and experienced). of course, there are still a lot of areas of life that i'm still very young in (i.e. leadership, teaching, reading and understanding the Bible, to list a few).

God has allowed me to go through all these things at such a young age to prepare me for what's to come. how then, could i possibly think that these experiences have not prepared me for ministry? why do i still feel so inadequate? i know in my head that i've got something to offer because of these experiences (as well as experiences in ministry over the past several years) and because of the gifts God's given me. but a part of me still refuses to believe it. well that's all going to change.

we also must not forget the role of the devil. he always attacks us in our weakest places. inadequacy is a very weak place. when we feel inadequate, we can become paralyzed from all the doubts and uncertainty of ourselves and even of God. this can prevent us from stepping into the things God is calling us to, the things that He desires for us.

closing
1. not all churches have this mentality as i've described. this is evident in the fact that my classmates are being hired, even as first year students. but i think it needs to be pointed out that this is a perspective that some churches, church congregants and church leaders hold.

2. i am not downplaying the necessity of formal training. if God's called you to full-time ministry, you should go to a seminary to learn (of course, not everyone has this luxury and privilege). this is extremely vital to prepare you for what's to come, as well as giving you the tools for ministry settings.

3. i wrote this entry as a challenge to myself and a challenge to you, especially if you relate with what i'm talking about. do not short-change yourself when it comes to serving. God has given each and every one of us experiences and gifts that are used for His Kingdom purposes. if He's called you to something, approach it with a heart of humility and reverance. you may very well be ill-equipped too, but God will equip you. step out in confidence knowing that.

so am i ill-equipped? from the perspective of formal training, i sure am. from the perspective of life experiences, informal training and mentoring, not at all. is one necessarily more valuable/more necessary than the other? is a balance between the two ideal? that's for you to decide.

completion (part II)

September 14, 2005

i should have expanded more on how God moved in my life over my past four years in design in the last entry, so here's my attempt to do so. it's funny how limited our view is as human beings. we think we know what's best for us, so we do what we think is best. but in actuality, sometimes what we think is the best isn't the best. it might even be the worst! the only one that knows what's best is God. He's the one we need to bank our hope, our trust, our faith on. if we believe the promise of romans 8:28, that God works for the good of those who love Him, then we'll trust that God knows what He's doing and that He only does what is good for us.

while design wasn't my ideal place for my undergraduate degree (at least back then it wasn't), looking back now, i wouldn't have had it any other way. being in design was the best thing for me because i learnt so much about myself and about God. God called me to trust Him and to step out in faith for my undergraduate degree. surprisingly, a lot of people, especially Christians, thought it was strange that i did that. why study something you don't like for four years? who does that? it didn't make sense they would say. it really didn't make sense to me either. why did God want me to be in a program that i didn't like for four years? i couldn't answer that, but i knew i had to be obedient to His call. here's a summary of the things i learnt and experienced:

1. ministry with the unchurched
one of my prayers before entering university was that God would expand my ministry to include the unchurched. i felt like i had wasted my high school years in terms of evangelism because i hung around mostly Christian people (say 99% of the time). i recall entering grade nine and losing ties with all my elementary school friends because i was so involved with church back then. people stop asking you do something when you keep saying no to them. but i didn't mind so much. i had met a community that i had never experienced before. i met people that were really after God and i wanted so much to be part of that as much as i could. so that's what i did. i cherish those days so much. i believe my high school years were integral in the development of my faith and understanding of God and it was because of that time that i could face all the difficulties and challenges that would come when university began. nonetheless, God really convicted me of isolating myself within the Christian circle. i vowed not to let the same thing happen again when university began.

i decided to be intentional about the way i lived my life on campus. i would try my best to make friends with people and get to know them. the challenge of it was that i was extremely shy back then. it was really difficult for me to even say a simple hello to people i didn't know, let alone trying to get to know them better. but little by little, God was working on me. i remember back in one of my first classes, a girl needed to go the art store to pick up some supplies. she lived on res, so it was hard for her to get there. since i had a car, it was ridiculously easy. i felt the Spirit tugging me to offer her a ride there if she wanted. you have no idea how tough that was for me to do. it took me forever to get the guts to do it. i heard her talking about it near the start of class; it took me till the end of class to muster the strength to make the offer. since i chickened out in class, i told God i'd ask her if He put her beside me in the lab. and when that happened, it still took me a lot longer to ask her. it ended up that our scheduled conflicted, so i never got to drive her there. that simple thing really stretched me. my university years were full of small things like this. little by little, God was stretching me more and more. i have countless stories similar to this one. so what's the point of all this? being faithful in the small things enables us to be faithful for the big things. it doesn't work the other way around.

i made quite a number of friends. and more surprisingly, i got close to some of them really fast. it was pretty amazing. most of them were the unchurched too (though there was a group of us Christians too). i think a major factor of that happening was due to our really small class sizes. each of our design classes had 20 students at most, so it was really easy to get to know people. i loved that about the program. it was like a family.

around my third year, i realized that i was a lot closer to my friends at school than at church. this probably had a lot to do with the fact that i spent more time at school than i did at church, so i was able to talk more with people there and just have good times with one another. and also the fact that since we were in the same program together, we knew the stresses and everything that went along with being in design, so we always understood each other. my community became my school friends. that was huge!

i had so many great talks with a lot of different people. sometimes it was about faith-related matters, most of the time it wasn't. i'm no joe evangelist. i don't believe in shoving the Gospel down someone's throat. i believe in living a life that leads to why and answering appropriately when someone asks what makes me different. sometimes i think it misleading that some Christians intentionally make friends to witness to them. it's like you have this ulterior motive and i think it almost fake to do something like that. people look for authenticity and genuineness. when i befriended people, it was just to befriend them. i wanted to get to know them for them, that was it. the way i was intentional about my relationships, was that i would use the gifts God had given me in the conversations i had with my friends. sometimes people needed an encourager, i was there encourager. sometimes people needed leadership, then i'd be their leader.
sometimes people just needed someone to be their friend, i would be their friend. it was because of this, that i had the authority and the right to talk about my faith to my friends.

somewhere along the way, i found that i had an easier time striking up conversations with new people that were unchurched than i did with new people that were Christians. i had more things to talk about and it was less awkward. maybe i felt that it was easier because there was no pressure. the thing with Christians is that we all try to maintain this sense of "spirituality" when we meet each other. we impression manage like crazy because we don't want people to think ill of us. and we have all these expectations that Christians need to live in a certain way, so there's enormous pressure. all of that disappears when you're with the unchurched, and for me, that makes it easier to talk.

and now, after four years, i realize that i have problems with being isolated in a Christian circle. if the people i hang out with, talk to, interact with comprises of solely Christians, i feel like something's wrong. i need to have unchurched people in my life. and just so you know, for me to say something like this is huge. God has really changed my perspective. you know why it's bad to only have Christian friends? you become isolated from the rest of the world, a world that is much larger than the Christian population. isolation causes you to react to anything different from your own. and when Christians react negatively to the rest of the world, it typically does nothing but more harm because it means more judgments and more hypocrisy. if Christians isolate themselves, they'll most likely get offended by people who drink/smoke/do drugs/swear/premarital sex/etc. all that creates is more barriers. i'm not saying i condone any of that stuff, but if you want to befriend people, they cannot feel like you are constantly judging them. isolation can also cause you to live in a utopian world, where everything is the way it should be. you become disconnected from the true reality of the world.

2. learning about myself
being in design helped me learn that i was a visual person. i could understand things better and quicker when people used visual aids when talking about/explaining something. or in other words, i see things better when i see them. people can talk all day about schedules/ideas/thoughts till the cows come home, but if i don't see them on a board or written out, i can't comprehend it nearly as well.

i also realized that God created me as an artist. i used to deny that all the time. people would automatically say that i was an artist since i was in design. i'd always respond to that by saying that no, i was just a guy who liked playing with computers (aka. computer geek). i would actually get offended by the question. i didn't like the thought of being an artist for some reason... i used to think that artists were people that did fine arts. since i didn't do any fine art, i wasn't an artist. plain and simple!

but little did i realize, i was an artist at heart. i loved being involved with creative projects. i loved being able to forge new ways of looking at old problems. i also found that i became very attached to my work. i sought affirmation from family and friends whenever i created something. i soon discovered that i had an artistic temperament (see http://www.ptypes.com/artistic.html for more info) too. this all happened over my four years in design and now i am proud to call myself an artist. in fact, if you were to say to me that i wasn't an artist, i would get offended. oh how that tables have turned. case in point, a while back, i went out for dinner with some people from my old church. we were catching up and somehow it got to a point where someone was saying i wasn't an artist, that i was just a computer person. i tried to explain that i was an artist, but the person wouldn't listen and insisted that i wasn't. i actually got upset at that remark and that seriously surprised me. i didn't bother trying to further the discussion because the person just didn't get it. understand that being an artist doesn't mean you're good at fine arts. being an artist can mean a lot of things: you're a musician, you're a dancer, you're a photographer, you're a designer, you're a sculptor, you're an actor, you're a videographer, you're a painter, you're a set designer, you're a lighting manager, you're a writer, the list could go on and on. if you can't get that, you don't understand what an artist is. and sadly, some people just don't get it. my definition of an artist is someone who exercises creativity.

i believe that God created us all with creativity. some people would probably disagree with me, but if we were made in the image of God, that must include creativity! after all, God create the entire universe and everything in it from NOTHING. creativity could range from painting, to writing poetry, to thinking about something in a fresh way.

do i think everyone is an artist? no. some people don't exercise creativity. it's unfortunate. they do as they're told. they follow the straight and narrow. they are linear. the see things for what they are.

3. learning about my passion for arts ministry
it's hard to pinpoint where my passion for arts ministry developed, but i know it was because of my exposure and background in design that triggered it and brought it my consciousness. mind you, i've always had an appreciation for music, drama, movies, video, and some types of dance ever since i was a kid. though i was in design, i didn't have much appreciation for it because i used to think design was a complete waste of time, because it was so transient in nature. but i realized that it could be a very useful tool in ministry to attract attention and get people interested in certain things. being in design helped me appreciate other visual mediums like fine art.

in addition, watching 7:22 on a weekly basis, attending urbana 2000 and watching the webcast of urbana 2003 really gave me a glimpse into arts in ministry and how powerful they could be. last year, my church invited me to go the willowcreek 2004 arts conference. i went because of my passion for music, but little did i know that God would reveal to me that arts ministry was something i really did have a passion for. it was at that conference where everything just clicked, where everything made sense (you can read my entry called "inspired (willowcreek 2005 arts conference reflection) for more on that).

final words
had i listened to myself and done what was wise in my own eyes (and the eyes of other people), i would have missed out on so much. i would have never known all the things i just listed above. God is indeed faithful and knows the best for all of us. so friends, let me challenge you with this one thought. if God calls you to step out in faith, no matter how crazy, how absurd, how preposterous it might seem to you (and everyone else), obey Him, trust Him, have faith in His promises. you have no idea what God will do and what He'll show and reveal to you. having the privilege to step out in faith is the most exciting thing you could ever do because that's when you are better able to see God move (because we know that anything that happens is a result of the grace and mercy of God). i am a living testimony of that.

"Lord, if it's you," peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
"come," he said.
then peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.
- matthew 14:28-29 [NIV]

completion

September 9, 2005

have you ever experienced the fulfillment of God's promises in your life?

four years ago, God called me into an exciting journey of graphic design. i remember the day i received my acceptance letter into the program. it's still so vivid in my mind. the entire process of applying was very uncertain for me. in my opinion, i really didn't cut it with my lack of fine arts background. that meant i didn't have the motor skills or the knowledge in any of the arts. had i applied through sheridan, i wouldn't have even made it. sheridan requires you to have grade 12/OAC art. back then, all i knew was that i liked computers and i enjoyed making computer graphics. so i figured why not apply for the program and see what happened.

the competition was tough. over 2000 students from around the world applying for about 125-150 spots. the process was two-tier. you first had to answer an exam-type questionnaire. you were marked according to your responses, and only the highest scores could move on to the second stage. as you can imagine, this weeded out a lot of students. the next stage was the portfolio interview. i never went to a portfolio interview before in my life. i didn't even have a portfolio to begin with! i looked through all my digital files and printed out the ones i thought were the best. in all honesty, most of them were all the same. i even had a few backgrounds that i had created for fun in there (what was i thinking?). the portfolio interview day came. i was the first person to go, and the first person in the entire process! talk about crazy. i had written up my rationale and descriptions of each project and the interviewer simply flipped through all my pages really quickly. i had made a CD of my work that day too, so i told him and we went to go look at it. back then, i was still using PCs, so i didn't know there were differences in making a CD for macs. we ended up talking about that for a while (and all the while i'm thinking, hey shouldn't we talk about my portfolio here?). needless to say, i wasn't sure what to think of the interview. but i knew that God would lead me to wherever i was supposed to go and i left it at that. as time passed on, i was quite positive that i didn't get into the program. i started to think about which other program i would decide to accept.

the day before my birthday, april 6, i got a letter from york. their envelopes have the words "congratulations" written across the front, so you immediately know whether or not you have been admitted to the school. i had already gotten accepted into the IT program i applied for, so i was figuring this was for the design program. but a part of me couldn't believe it. i ripped open the letter and lo and behold, there it was. i was going to be a york / sheridan design student for the next four years. i can't explain how happy i was. it was euphoric. i ran up the stairs, twirled around in a circle and had the biggest grin on my face.

it's quickly how happiness fades when the going gets tough. i had no idea just how difficult design would be, especially because of my lack-of-art ability. i struggled. i was frustrated. how was i supposed to get through my first year, when it involved drawing and very hands on things? there were all these new challenges and they came all at once. but i pressed on and things got better.

i don't remember when it was when i found philippians 1:6 (i'm quite certain it was before first year), but it was the verse i clung to these past four years. it says "He who began a good work in you will carry it onto completion." while i knew things were nearly impossible for me, i knew God had called me into the program and i knew He would see it through despite my limitations. i literally lived and breathed that the first year and all the years to come. that was a huge lesson to learn (and even now, i don't think i've fully grasped it).

at the end of my first year, i wanted out. design didn't end up being what i thought it would be. in the october of my second year, i had quite enough of design. i wanted to switch into something more relevant, more fitting for ministry later on. i didn't see how design would fit. but one thing i knew was that i could not make a decision like that without praying about it, without wrestling with God about it. i knew He had called me into it, but i just wasn't seeing why i was there (you can see my entry called design woes if you want to see what i was thinking about). to make a long story short, God reminded me (with the help of my close friends) that i was to remain. so i stepped out in faith and decided to trust God to sustain me for the next three years as i saw He had for my incredibly difficult first year.

four years passed quickly. before i knew it, i was setting up my panel in the graduation show. had four years passed already? was i finally graduating? it seemed so surreal. that sunday (april 10, 2005), i felt like i was dreaming the whole thing. i just couldn't believe that everything was coming to a close. i was sad and happy at the same time. sad that this chapter of my life was closing, sad that i wouldn't see the classmates whom i had grown to cherish anymore. but i was happy that i decided to stuck through the four years and was able to see God move in so many amazing ways. i was happy that God had given me enough faith to trust in His good work and to trust that He knew best. and i was happy that it was complete. i couldn't describe it. in those moments, i thought back to all the struggles, all the difficulties i had over my four years. i thought to all the feelings and emotions i felt when i wanted to leave and switch out. and i thought back to God calling me to remain. that sunday was the completion of God's promise to me that He would carry out the good works that He started in my life. it was philippians 1:6 fully actualized, fully delivered. that day marked yet another pillar of God's faithfulness in my life. amazing. i never thought i would see the day come, but it did.

as one chapter closes, another opens. september marks the start of another chapter of my life. i had my orientation at tyndale on wednesday. to be honest, i didn't want to be there. the thought of me being a pastor is still very foreign to me. i don't think i'm cut out for it. i mean of all people... why me? there's nothing special about me. when i look at what i know of the Bible from a theological standpoint, i know so little. i don't remember any of the stories from the OT. i haven't even read the whole thing! i don't even see a point in learning more about theology when we can't even put into practice the "simple theological things" like loving your neighbour. why acquire more knowledge if we aren't acting on what we already know to be true? though i do think a lot about what i do know, there's bounds of what i don't know.

i feel like i have nothing to offer. i have less than nothing to offer. this fibromyalgia dictates what i can and cannot do. i don't see how i can do full time ministry when i'm unreliable in the sense that if my body acts up, i can't do anything. i'm so limited even by what i can do (for youth, it's all about spending time with them. and a lot of youths like to stay up late and such. i can't even do a simple thing like that because i need to make sure i get my quality sleep to manage my pain levels). since fm can cause brian fog and memory loss, how could i ever deliver 20-30 minute messages from memory? the ironic thing about me being at tyndale is that i'm studying youth & family ministry is that i'm not even serving in youth ministry right now. i'm focused on worship and the arts, and that's where i'm going to remain for the next while too. i feel like i've been lacking community in my church for the past while now and i need to spend time to get that back. i cannot give what i do not have. long-term, i feel like arts ministry is more of my thing. so why would a guy like me be studying youth & family ministry in the first place (practically speaking, there isn't really any other options for me to take at tyndale. i could do pastoring, but to get a job in that right off the bat is really tough)? i know that i have a heart for building and equipping God's people. i have a heart for identifying people's gifts and seeing them develop. i have a heart for seeing people step into the life God's calling them to.

God seems to always choose the least likely candidates. He delights in that because for people like me, you know that it isn't you at all. i know i've got nothing, so anything that happens is because of the grace of God. it was like that for me in design and it's going to be like that for me at tyndale and for the rest of my life.

that being said, i'm scared. i'm scared of the workload. i'm scared of all the readings i'll have to do (reading for me is hard, not only because i'm slow at it, but also because of the position it places your body in. you have to droop your neck down at your book for prolonged periods of time and that's REALLY bad for my body). i've heard that seminary is really stressful. fm patients are supposed to avoid stress like a plague because that's one of the triggers of pain. i'm scared that i'll be isolated in a Christian environment again. i don't like that at all. i'll have to find ways to interact with the unchurched somehow. i really miss the times i had with my friends from design.

people ask me if i'm excited about tyndale. i'm not. like many humans i don't like change. especially when change comes with so many uncertainties. that being said, i know i'm focusing way too much on me, on what i see/think/feel. i need to put my hope, my trust and my faith in God and believe that He is going to do what He says He will do. God has called me to this next stage of life and i know that He is beginning a good work in me yet again. so however long it takes me to finish this degree (i've decided that i'm not going to rush this degree. i was planning on graduating in three years, but if it's at the expense of my health, it isn't worth it. if i need to drop courses and take a lighter load, that's what i'm going to do.), i know God will pull through like He always has and always will. God is faithful and that isn't ever going to change. philippians 1:6, we're going for a round two.

"and i am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again." - philippians 1:6 [NLT]

the story of my life (europe trip 2005)

September 8, 2005

i'm finally back from my three-week trip to europe. most of you have been wondering how it went, so this my reflection on it. it'll probably be a lot different from what you might expect. so let's start with some background. i haven't gone on a vacation in eleven years. i don't like going on vacations because i think it's a waste of money and time. perhaps now not so much the latter. i used to never understand how people could just go away on a trip and not do anything. i was sucked into the lie of always having to do-do-do and never rest, but that's changed now. i'm still quite adamant on the money thing though. vacations are very short-lived and very expensive. i'd rather use the money to invest in something more long-lasting, like a computer for example. instead of something that will last three weeks, it's something that will last a couple years or more (depending on who you are). that's a much better return for your investment in my opinion. or, if you want to go see the world, go on a missions trip! you get to see how interesting the world is and do the work of God at the same time (and yes i realize that forgoes the whole relaxing thing). i also expected this vacation to be a vacation. one where you wake up whenever you want, do whatever you want. i figured it'd be real chill in the morning, get up, swim, eat a nice breakfast, and then proceed with doing whatever. i also expecting that i'd be able to enjoy this vacation and have a good time.

here's the deal. we went with a tour group (non asian) that basically went all over europe. it didn't occur to me that a vacation that went all over europe would be super busy and intense. the vacation was the polar opposite of what i thought. the schedule was typically pretty packed morning to night. you'd go to sleep late and then wake up early. i don't think i slept eight hours once during the whole trip. most of the time we woke up at 5:45 am and went to bed at 11:30 pm or so. now that might work okay for some people, but when you have fibromyalgia, sleep is one of your best friends.

our tour group was small—21 people in total. it consisted of older adults. i'd imagine the median age of the group was anywhere in the 50s-60s. i was the youngest one on the tour. there was only three other people remotely close to my age, probably mid-late twenties. i think the oldest guy was around 75. i've never see adults with so much energy, especially ones this old. media always seems to portray people in those ages with less life, and boy did i fall into believing that lie. i had a great time observing how full of life these people were and just how much they were enjoying life.

physically, this tour wrecked havoc on my body. the pain levels in my body escalated rapidly during the trip and there wasn't anything i could do about it. i never had a chance to go swimming because there just wasn't any time (and most of the times there weren't pools to swim in). i never got enough which caused more problems. the only temporary relief i could get was taking hot showers, but this wasn't even always possible. present day, my wrists have become inflamed as a result, a lot of my pressure points above my waistline are now very painful, including a lot more pain from my forearms on. i went to my acupressure guy on tuesday and he was saying that there was a lot of trouble in some areas in my body.

the trip was really frustrating for me. i rarely had enough energy to keep up with the pace of the tour and this was supposedly a more "relaxed" tour. all of the 50-60s could go morning to night, non-stop, my dad included. i couldn't. i had to take breaks, sit around as much as possible, just so i could make it to the night. the only person that needed to do that was the 75 year old gentleman. he really couldn't walk around that much and he frequently opted out of the optional tours to rest. i had originally signed up to do all of the optional tours, but i had to opt out of some of them just so that i could take better care of myself. it was actually pretty depressing. i'm a 23 year old that's equivalent to a 75 year old. i'm not exaggerating either. fibromyalgia does more than i let on. sometimes i forget all the symptoms that fm can cause, because mostly it causes my body pain and overall weakness. i was reading an article the other day about memory problems with patients with fm. here's an excerpt from the study, "people with fibromyalgia had significantly more memory problems than adults their same age and similar to those 20 to 30 years older." (arthritis foundation research) my energy levels is similar to someone 50 years older than me. can you imagine what that's like to know that?

the trip lasted 18 days. five days out of 18 were really hard for me physically. two of the days were especially tough and they happened in a row. i was really frustrated and depressed those days. it seems like every-time i go somewhere, i always have a terrible time the first few days. and sure people say that's adjusting, but you have no idea what it's like for me. the first day we left, i got no sleep. the airplane was cramped and it got really hot. my body was overheating and i became really dehydrated. i needed the entire second day to recover (that isn't normal). then, at the end of the first week, i had so little energy left, i couldn't do anything. my body felt like death. i had to skip out on an optional tour and head back to the hotel to rest. i just didn't have anything left. i wondered why everything had to be so hard for me. i couldn't even enjoy something as simple as a vacation. why did i still have to suffer through fm? would i ever be free from it? would i ever be free from this body of death? how was i supposed to enter full time ministry like this... i realized something significant that afternoon. i was being attacked by the devil and if i decided to give up, he would leave me alone. i've thought about it. i've thought about giving up so many times in the past, and that day was no different. so much of me wants to throw in the towel and admit defeat. but as i've said in the past, i just can't give up what i know to be so true and real.

the next morning, as i was showering, it hit me. this was a really strategic time to attack. i wasn't able to get any QT with God (in terms of reading) during my vacation since it was jammed pack 24/7. the only times i had alone were on the bus rides city to city (but i can't read in moving vehicles because i'll get a headache). once i got home from my vacation, things with tyndale would pretty much be in full swing. i had orientation the wednesday i got back and then a retreat the coming friday, followed by class starting the monday after that. why not knock down my spirits before all that happened and get me really discouraged? also, since i was on vacation, i didn't really expect anything like this to happen to me either. who does? no one would think that their vacation is going to be full of frustration, pain and suffering. it's supposed to be good times. i guess i let my guard down. and that's a very bad thing to do. when you let your guard down, that's when you get hit.

it seems like the devil has a real problem with the path God's called me to. it's been evident for the past two years, but even more so now. i was chatting with God about that and i realized that these attacks are never going to end. God-willing, if i graduate from tyndale and continue on to full time ministry, the attacks will only intensify. the devil's not about to give up now. he's been throwing everything's he got at me and by the grace of God i've still managed to hold on to this point.

i was reminded of something i had experienced several weeks before. in august, i went to a retreat with my church. on the way home from the retreat, we ran into crazy traffic on the 401. it came to a complete halt. we were stuck there for a good 45 minutes-60 minutes. after some time had passed, people became restless and decided to do something i had never seen before. some cars starting backing up on the shoulder so they wouldn't have to wait. as the space freed up on the freeway, cars started to reverse and drive the opposite way on the shoulder (i mean, why drive backwards when you can drive forwards?). that was probably one of the most interesting things i've seen on a freeway. to be honest, i was really tempted to do the same thing, but since i have fm, i decided not to. turning my neck like that for so long would wreck havoc later. some of the cars were successful in getting off. they drove the opposite direction, then drove across the grass and onto the other side of the 401. eventually, the police caught on and stopped a whole slew of cars (about eight). i couldn't figure out what this was supposed to mean at first. but that morning, it all made sense. the freeway represented the path of Christianity. the cars stuck on the freeway were the Christians following the path. i've been following the path of Christianity all my life. not once have i thought of turning around and getting off... not until all this craziness happened in my life over the past two years. not one of the drivers would have thought of doing what they did, if they didn't get stuck in traffic. getting stuck in traffic meant experiencing problems/struggles in life. when we're faced with problems and struggles, one of our responses is to run away, to give up. for Christians, it means you turn away from God. if life gets too hard/crazy, you walk away from Him. for the drivers that did turn away, while they may have thought it was the best decision at the time, most of them got caught. the consequence of getting caught was much worse than staying in the traffic, waiting to travel the same direction they were originally going. God was showing me that morning the story of my life. i could travel in the same direction i was going (following and being obedient to Christ), no matter how hard and difficult it was, or i could turn the other way and face the potential consequences of that choice (perhaps an unfulfilled life). and like i said, i never will turn away from my God, but here's the million dollar question: if the devil's thrown so much at me already (before i've even started anything), what else does he have in store?

moving on... another thing i realized on the trip was that i haven't really taken the time to deal with my having fibromyalgia. every-time i have a bad day, i get all messed up. i feel like i'm on a rollercoster with my faith nowadays. it's not like i'm going to give up, but it goes up and down all the time. the devil knows this too. he knows i'm the weakest when it comes to my health and he exploits that a lot. i guess i should have expected to have bad days. maybe that will help. preparation always helps you deal with things.

i also realized i'm not much for looking at man-made structures. i wasn't big on touring cities and looking at monuments/statues/palaces and listening to all the history behind it. i'm just not into that stuff. when we were in the UK, we went to buckingham palace for a tour. i was bored out of my mind there. but then i saw a squirrel eating a nut and that was a million times more interesting to me than the palace. maybe i'm strange, but for me, the things that humans make pale in comparison to the things God has created.

so it sounds like this trip has been all bad news. well, it wasn't. i had a lot of good times with my parents which is the real reason why i went on vacation with this year, to spend time with them. we had a lot of time spent together, a lot of laughs and a lot of quality time. my dad really loved it because i'm always so busy when i'm home and he doesn't get a lot of opportunities to spend time with me. it's a little different with my mom, because she's home more than my dad is (because my dad has to go to the office to work). i also had some great times on the bus. i brought my ipod with me, so i'd just turn the music up and listen to worship and CCM music during the long bus rides. and what was really sweet, was while i'd be listening to a song, i'd actually get to see what i was listening to. for example, the song would talk about mountains and rivers and clouds, and right in front of me, would be just that. i loved it. we saw some breathtaking landscapes in europe... stuff you'd want to capture on video or with a camera, but at the same time, things that just couldn't be captured because capturing it wouldn't do it justice. and of course, i caught some really nice footage and got some really nice pictures of different things too.

i've decided that i'll never go on another trip like this. if i ever go on vacation again, it'll be the ones where you laze around and just do things at your own pace. none of these scheduled tour things. do what you want, when you want. i'm all for that.