staying on course

October 28, 2005

how do you know if you're walking in a straight line? how do you know if you're driving in the right direction? how do you know if you're running in your lane? you probably need some kind of external markings to figure it out. walkers tend to use external references to walk in a straight line. drivers need road signs to guide their way. runners need the white lines on the track that mark their lane.

i was swimming the other day. i like swimming in the portion of the pool that isn't restricted by the floating lane markers. while i love the freedom of that area of the pool, one difficulty lies in the fact that there's no way of telling whether or not you're swimming in a straight line, especially when you're doing some kind of back stroke. that area of the pool basically has two lanes. i tend to swim in the lane closest to the pool wall for one reason only. on the ceiling, there are two distinct markers on the opposite ends of the pool. they serve as a frame of reference for me to let me know i'm going in a straight line, in the right direction. without them, it's much more difficult.

not every needs external markings to determine if they are walking in a straight line. we each have an internal sense of directionality, some stronger than others. these people do not need/rely on external markings. they have an internal compass built in.

i believe whole-heartedly that God has plans for every person on planet earth. He formed each of us with a specific purpose, ultimately that we may glorify Him. God has a path laid for each of us, but it's up to us if we want to walk that path. God gave each of us the power of choice. we have the capability to decide what we want to do and what we do not want to do. no one has the right in our life but us. i wonder how many of us rather rely on our internal sense of directionality rather than external markings in life. i wonder how many of us rather rely on self than on someone else. i know i would.

western culture weaves this notion into the fabric of our being. rely on self. depend on no one but yourself. achieve your dreams. make something of yourself. do it on your own. needing others is a sign of weakness. how much of this is rooted in our subconscious? how much of this affects our thoughts and actions without us even realizing it?

i realize more and more how hard it is for me to ask others for help. even in my weaken condition with fibromyalgia, i still seek to do things independently. i'll try and try until i realize i can't do something. it's only then that i'll ask for help. once i realize this, i'll ask for help again. i don't like it, but i have no other choice. it's easier to serve others than to be served, isn't it?

let me ask you something. how do you know if the life you are living is the right life? how do you know that what you're doing will be meaningful, worthwhile in the future? is your answer based from the self or from a God-shaping event?

here's an irony. a lot of people rather be lead than lead themselves, but culture tells us that we should lead ourselves. not knowing any other alternative, we're forced to buy into that notion and lead ourselves. it's also ironic that we unconsciously rely externally on a lot more things than we realize. the driver and the runner examples are but a small sample of that. so why do we have so much trouble doing the same in the course of our lives?

there is nothing weak about needing God to lead our lives. i see it as a source of strength. i see it as life-giving. i see it as motivation. i see it as freedom. and really, i just prefer it. while i have a strong internal sense of directionality, i still prefer the external. like the pool, i like having external markings pointing to the fact that i'm going in the right direction. it means that i don't have to worry about it. i don't need to figure everything out on my own. all i need to do is look up and i'll know whether or not what i'm doing is on course.

that's how simple it is. take the eyes off self and look up. seek the external—ask God. only the Creator knows what the created is for. there's no chance that something created knows what it's purpose is unless it asks the One who created it. it can spend its entire existence trying to be things and do things that it was never meant to be. it will look at other created things and compare itself. it will see the strengths and positive qualities of others and wonder why it couldn't be like that too. it will fail to realize its own uniqueness. it will end up frustrated and dejected. sadly, that's how it is for so many people on planet earth. something truly majestic happens when the created thing becomes and does what it was created to do. that's the life that awaits all of us.

"don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. instead, fix your attention on God. you'll be changed from the inside out. readily recognize what He wants from you, and quickly respond to it" - romans 12:2 [the message]

lacking self-confidence

October 17, 2005

my vocal teacher made an interesting observation about me last week. she was looking at the way i stood up when i sang and she asked me what i was that i was doing in this stage of my life. "i'm a student studying masters" i said. she then proceeded to tell me that i stood like a student. shoulders hunched over, not standing up tall, all of those things. and then she said something that went like this:

"you know what that tells me about you? that you lack self confidence. you're defeated. that you're hiding. is this how you want to present yourself? you're a masters student! you're a man. you're mr. leo chan! stand up."

interesting. she spoke more insight into my life than she knew—it wasn't just about my body posture. i've written about this before, but i have self-confidence issues. nowadays, i have a hard time thinking that i am capable of stepping out into new things, albeit my strong inclination for new challenges and experiences.

i remember in my early years of design i was faced with a lot of new challenges. one class was particularly difficult: 3d design. i was exposed to projects that were well beyond my scope of ability, yet i persisted and tried to do my best. i trusted God to take care of it and i stepped into that. i really believed philippians 1:6. needless to say, that class wasn't without it's difficulties and struggles, but i didn't let my lack of ability or knowledge override the promise of God. He really would carry onto completion what He started. all i needed to do was trust Him and i did. i ended up loving new challenges. there was so much thrill and excitement in them because it made me grow. it made me see that new things were possible if you just tried.

nowadays, it seems that my focus on self overrides that promise of God. for whatever reason, my mentality has shifted into believing that i am not capable of doing things and that uncertainty hinders me from moving forward in God's promise.

case in point. i had to write a book notation for class last month. i've never written a book notation or critical book review or any kind of the sort. you can imagine that i didn't know what i was doing. i really didn't. now some people think this is strange, but when you're in graphic design, that's something you do not do. i tried asking for help but it didn't work out too well. i resorted to asking a friend of mine, an english major from my church for some help. now she hadn't written one before either, but she gave me some pointers that were helpful. the whole process was frustrating for me. how was i supposed to write something that i didn't know how to write? how could i do my best when i didn't know how to do my best for it?

but God reminded me of something through that. i have yet to write about the whole idea of pursuing excellence, but my stance on excellence can be summed up in this one phrase: excellence is doing the best you can within the context that you are in. i learnt this truth last year when i was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and still proceeded with my studies in design. it was a hard truth to learn. my best for this paper, was writing it to how i thought best to write it, despite having any knowledge on how to write it. that was my context.

still, the whole writing process was very shaky. i handed it in and thought nothing more of it. i got my paper back last week. it was the same night of my vocal class. i scanned the page to read the comments and to of course, see my grade. it was an A+. A+? were my eyes deceiving me? i was expecting something like a pass, more along the lines of a C. a big sigh of relief swept over me. i can do this! all of us need small encouragements like that, especially when we're walking on a path that God has called us to and we're still very uncertain about the whole thing. it lets us know that yes, it is possible! that yes, we can do this! that yes, God is walking with us the whole way.

here's what strikes me about this whole deal. i know that i like to think critically. i like to analyze things, ask questions, challenge, and discuss. i also know that God has given me the capacity to do well in school. ever since elementary school, my report cards were always full of As and A+s, with the occasional Bs here or there. the same was true for my university studies and that was not an easy thing to pull off being in design.

when i walked into tyndale this september, all of that foreknowledge went out the window. my uncertainty and lack of self-confidence became my stumbling block. it was what hindered me from believing that God would carry onto completion what He began. it was what caused me endless frustration, doubt and worry.

after class, i went back to jer's house and told him about the whole thing.

"see, i told you. what's the problem?" he said.

i've come to realize that there are people in my life that believe in me much more than i do. i need people like that in my life. we all do. we need people who will cheer us on, who will support our endeavours and challenge us to bigger and better things. eric was that for me. he always believed in me way more than i did. i remember when i first got into design, he wasn't surprised at all. he knew that i would. that's how much he saw my potential and believed in it. and now that i think of it, perhaps my self-confidence issues began to take root when eric passed away. eric passed away right before my third year. by then, i had become confident in design. i knew that i could do well in the program so long as i did my best and put in the time to produce quality work. but not having him in my life did something in me that i was not aware of. my lack of self-confidence took shape in other ways. when i was presented with new opportunities, i was very hesitant in accepting them or even considering them because i didn't think i could do it. and now, when i'm faced with new challenges, i get scared and doubt. the things which i used to love so much now become what i fear.

that's why we need these types of people in our lives. their faith in us, their confidence in what we can become, their relentless desire to challenge us helps us grow. it helps us see things in new ways. it helps us see the possible. it helps us to step out in faith. it helps us take the focus off on self. i'm so thankful that my brother was this type of person in my life. he really did impact my life in more ways than he'll ever know. and i'm thankful that i still have people in my life like this (though it only dawned on me last week) even now. now it all becomes a matter of not listening to my voice of low self-confidence anymore, choosing to listen to these types of people in my life and trusting God.

"and i am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again." - philippians 1:6 [NLT]

a life without fear

October 7, 2005

the topic of fear came up in passing during a lecture last week. my professor discussed leadership in the new testament and eventually, we got to paul. paul's life was completely sold out for the cause of Christ. he lived his life with such reckless abandon, that he could proclaim the Gospel to all people, no matter the cost. paul was stoned, flogged, beaten up, ridiculed, jailed and eventually beheaded for his faith. if committing to Christ entailed all of that today, i wonder how many of us would run into the hills or cower in the shadows, hoping that we would never be chosen for such a life. Christ could very well ask us to such a life. when we commit our lives to Him, we are giving Him the rights and authority to govern us. it's His way, not ours.

paul could live the way he did because he lived without fear. his life was not governed by any external factor, person or circumstance. his life was governed only by the One who made him. paul did not fear death. in fact, he embraced it. if he died, he knew he would be with Jesus. there was nothing more gratifying and rewarding than that (see philippians 1:20-26).

we fear many things, don't we? death, the future, rejection, being alone, animals, insects, not meeting expectations, failure, the unknown, sickness, to list a few. the biggest cause for fear for humans is death. as Christians, death should be celebrated, because death means eternal paradise with our Lord. paul understood this, but most of us don't. we still cling on to this world, onto relationships and our own desires and ambitions.

lots of people say they aren't ready for death. i've heard my friends say it on countless occasions. since none of us know how long we have, the mentality is to get everything that we want to do accomplished and THEN serve God. do you see the problem? fear drives our actions. know this: the only reason why we are on this planet in the first place is to worship God, to do the things He created us for. we are not on this planet to accomplish our own agenda. we are here to serve our King and to bring glory and honour to His name.

the consequence of fear is simple. fear paralyzes. it freezes us in inactivity. one classic example of this is in a kitchen setting. a mother stands around when suddenly a mouse darts across the floor. almost instantaneously, the mother jumps onto the table and screams for someone to help her. the mother is frozen on the table. i wonder how many of us are like the mother who jumps on the table when something scares us. i wonder how many of us get stuck on the table.

here's the problem. fear never leaves us entirely. it does not go away. fear is a psychological and perhaps even a social construct. so unless you can somehow separate yourself from your mind, you are stuck with it. if we cannot find a way of dealing with our fear, we will always be mastered by it.

fear can also take our eyes off of God and puts it solely on what's right in front of us (if you were the mother and the mouse ran by, all you would see is the mouse—nothing else). how many times have you not done something because you were too scared to? how many of us have ignored the call of God because we were too scared at what might happen? how many times have we missed out the greatness and goodness of God because we just couldn't step out in faith? the Christian life was not meant to be lived this way. 2 timothy 1:7 [NIV], says "for God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

in the movie daredevil, the daredevil was a force to be reckoned with. he could not be killed despite many attempts. he was unstoppable. why? because he did not fear death. even the most ruthless villain could not stop him. as one of the characters (from the movie) put it, "how do you kill a man who does not fear death?"

paul was fearless. the daredevil was fearless. both of them were extremely dangerous. both of them were forces to be reckoned with. both of them were unstoppable for their cause. both of them impacted their world. that's the picture of life without fear. that's the picture that ought to be of Christians. that ought to be the way we live. Christ has conquered death. the victory is ours! if death is truly what humans are most fearful of, we're all set.

what do you fear? what are you afraid of? take charge. do not be mastered by it anymore. submit it to the Cross of Christ and move in faith. walk in the knowledge of perfect love and let perfect love drive the fear away (1 john 4:18). live your life with reckless abandon for the cause of Christ.

a generation of Christ followers who would do anything regardless of their own cost, fueled by the power of the Holy Spirit would impact the world in ways we couldn't even imagine. that generation can happen. it can begin in us. and it starts with driving out fear.

"there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. the one who fears is not made perfect in love" - 1 john 4:18 [NIV]

note: a point of clarification might be in order for this post. it was brought to my attention that this post on fear does not include the fear of God. i definitely agree that all Christians must fear God because it's a Biblical principle. however, the point of the entry was to examine what the wrong kind of fear (worldly fear) looks like and the problems with it. the fear of God (Biblical fear) is another topic for discussion altogether.

the single life

October 3, 2005

here goes. i've been hesitant to post this, but it's been bugging me for far too long and i need to mark it as something i've been thinking about. after all, that's what my journal is all about. keeping track of what i'm thinking about, what God is teaching me and what He's doing in my life. it's a place for honesty and openness.

i've been single all my life. in fact, i've never even had a date! i've always been scared about so even if i really liked a girl, i couldn't muster the courage to ask. fear is paralyzing. so as i grew older, i started developing my own thoughts about dating. dating to me, is for marriage. there's no point of testing the waters to see what the person is like. that wastes time, resources and heartache. you should have an idea if the person is a potential for marriage. if not, it's not worth pursuing.

everyone has an ideal mate. i certainly do. but sometimes ideals must remain simply as ideals. reality needs to set in because the truth of the matter is, you aren't going to find the perfect person. besides, when we have ideals about things, it puts the onus back on us and off of God. it's about what we want. it's about our will, not His (for more on ideals, see my entry called "about ideals..."). i wonder how many people actually surrender their ideals for a spouse and place it before God. i know the type of person i'm looking for, but that may not be the best for me. since God knows us much better than we do, He knows what truly is the best. i've always made it a point to put everything before God and trust that He knew what He was doing, even if it didn't make sense to me. why would a potential spouse be any different?

but i must say, being single for so long is really tough. there's this stigma in our culture where you have to be with somebody. our culture expects people to get married and have kids. it seems like being alone is a rarity, not the norm. i only know a small handful of people that have not dated by the time they're my age. there's enormous pressure from friends, family, relatives for people to find the right person and get hitched. i frequently get asked, "do you have a girlfriend yet?" i always respond with a "no!" why is that i need to have a girlfriend? can't i be happy being single? this constant repetition is depressing. all it says to me is that after all this time, i still haven't found someone. because of all this, sometimes i feel like there's something wrong with me that keeps me single.

i don't think i'm alone on this thought either. this thought could be the pandora's box for a whole list of thoughts regarding self-esteem. people may think they aren't worthy enough to be loved, or that they aren't significant, or that they aren't lovable. from this, a lot of people date so that they can feel significant, that they're worth something to another person. they want to be validated by another person that they are loved for who they are. i've bought in to this too and it's completely wrong. can i say that until we realize that God is the only One that can fill our deepest longings of approval and love, we shouldn't even think about dating a person. dating another person will not satisfy that need. and if we demand that from another person, we are asking something of them that they cannot give.

i want to be happy being single. i want to be satisfied where i am. in the movie, raising helen, the character pastor dan, said something i really liked. he was talking with helen in the hallway and says, "i'm a sexy man of God and i know it." don't misread me here. the thing that struck me about it was the confidence the character had in himself. he didn't need someone else to validate his self worth or value. he knew who he was. i long to be like that. as long as i'm single, i want to be satisfied with that. i want to be satisfied that God has given me this time of my life.

in fact, i don't think i've ever been content with being single. i've always been on the lookout for a potential spouse. every time i meet someone new, i tend to evaluate her against my criteria for a potential spouse. that isn't cool. but as time passes, i guess i get scared that i'll eventually end up alone. i mean i still haven't dated yet and i'm 23! it's not like i'm getting any younger here. plus the fact that more and more girls will already be in relationships or even married.

i know that i can't live life alone. i know that somewhere down the road, i'm going to need a wife to do life together with. i'm going to need a wife who would keep me in line, in check about certain things. i'd need a wife that would tell me i'm going overboard with something or that i'm seeing things too narrowly. i need to trust God and have faith that He'll provide me with someone when it's His time. i don't know why i have such a hard time doing that. i've been able to trust God with my health (CTI trip) and about my future (being in design for four years), so why not this? is it because the whole marriage thing is a really big deal to me?

so where does this leave me? it all comes back to faith. it always comes back to faith. our problems in life stem from the fact that we just don't trust God enough. we don't trust that His plans and His ways are perfect. that's where my problem lies. i must trust God. i must have faith. i must be satisfied in the circumstances He's placed me in—being single.

"God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him" - john piper

award mania (part II)

October 2, 2005

here's another perspective to my thoughts on all these awards.

i'm currently reading "a work of heart" by reggie mcneal for my leadership class. today, i stumbled across a passage that really struck me, "God exults in our accomplishments. He wants us to enjoy them as well. emotionally healthy leaders know how to savor the moment and truly rejoice. when the leader does celebrate some milestone or achievement, it affords a marvelous opportunity to see the work of God in the leader's life" (p. 180).

as i reflected on my life, i wondered if i really knew how to "savor the moment and truly rejoice" as reggie describes. did i even celebrate achievements to begin with? did i enjoy them? i thought back to the days when i first stepped into design. it was shaky ground. it was shaky for a long time. it was only late into my second year that i started having confidence in myself. my grades shot up. i was getting As & A+s in a lot of my courses. but for some reason, it felt like those grades had nothing to do with me. it felt like it was the biggest trickery of the century, that somehow the wool was pulled over all of my profs' eyes. i never celebrated the fact that God had been honoring my pursuit of excellence in my studies. i didn't see those grades as a reflection of that. i guess i never expected any type of acknowledgment. seems pretty silly to me now.

if we don't hear what God is trying to say/teach us the first time, He will continue to say/teach us until we get it. God will only move according to our own obedience to Him. if He tests us on something, He will not move until we've passed that test. it's fine for God—He's got all the time in the world to wait—we don't.

i firmly believe that i did not get it for the longest time. maybe i still don't. maybe the point of all these recognitions and awards is because i keep failing to see what God is trying to teach me and He's trying to get my attention. perhaps these recognitions are a way of God showing me that my university studies was a job well done, that my pursuit of excellence for His name was honouring to Him. God honours those who honour Him.

i find it incredible that a person like myself, who lacked so much confidence, skills, and knowledge heading into the design program, could emerge out of it with recognition from design industry professionals around the globe on multiple occasions. when i entered my program, i was a guy with NO art background whatsoever (no art history knowledge and no art skills) and heading into a design field where these skills and knowledge would be very helpful. i had no idea what i was doing in first year. i prayed over everything i did, because i knew i needed God to step in and give me grace. i remember some projects that i had to do where computer use was not allowed. those were big time struggles for me because i did not develop my motor skills in terms of painting, drawing, etc. upon graduating, i still didn't have much art history knowledge and did not have any art skills, but the struggles lessened and i started believing that i was competent in what i did. my last year, in fact, went by a lot easier (i'm not talking about workload here, because it was insane). i no longer felt inadequate. i was confident that i could finish projects and finish them well.

that's a pretty significant change. that is definitely the work of God (though i'm not advocating that i had no part in that either. i believe my desire to pursue excellence for His name in design is directly correlated to this outcome). that is definitely something to be celebrated.

perhaps this is what it all comes down to: God has been trying to get me to celebrate these achievements in order that i might reflect on the amazing work He's done in and through me these past four years, that i could have confidence in my ability as a designer, and more importantly, in myself, and that i could know that my efforts to live out colossians 3:17 & 3:23 in my studies were well received and were honoured by God.

recent recordings

October 1, 2005

here's some recordings i did in the past two months:

here i am by shaun groves, recorded oct 1, 2005. note, i misheard one of the words from the original recording, so if you decide to do this song, don't make the same mistake! in the last stanza of the verse, it's supposed to be: "this changes everything" not "it changes everything" (as i've sung).

you are everything by phil wickham, re-recorded aug 4, 2005 (i wasn't too thrilled with my first version of this, so i gave it another shot).

to download, right click the link and go to "save target as" or "download linked file as." otherwise, just click the songs to hear them.

i enjoy recording songs like this because it gives me a creative outlet musically. as well, it allows me to track my progress as a musician over the years. in august, i began taking vocal lessons. it's something i've wanted to do for ages now never got around to it until i finally decided if i didn't do it, i would never do it. so hopefully there'll be improvements in my voice as time progresses.

if you've never taken vocal lessons, it's an exciting but scary journey. i think i'll talk more about this at a later time, because taking vocal lessons has really taught me more about myself.