needing others

December 24, 2005

i was back in the pool a few weeks ago. i went in at my new time (around 11:30 am), not expecting many people to be there. to my surprise, it was very full! there were five people there, three ladies in the free area of the pool and two in the swimming lanes. i was the sixth. but it worked okay. the three ladies weren't actually swimming. they were stretching at one end of the pool and would sometimes walk around. so i just swam beside them. i didn't really think much of it, but having 20/20 vision, i couldn't help but notice them in my periphery. they weren't simply stretching on their own; it was a total joint effort. it was actually really interesting. they leaned on each other to stretch. for example, one lady would put her hands on the other lady's shoulder so should had support when she stretched. those ladies needed each other. what they did was not possible on their own.

i realized something that morning. those ladies were the exact opposite of me. on a human level, i don't really depend on anyone. the only person i put my complete trust and faith in is God. He's the only one that's been with me through all the trying times in my life. He's the only one that has given me comfort and peace in all my struggles and hardships. He's the only one that's known everything i've ever felt or thought.

for the past four-five years, i've always felt like it's just me and God. in my first year of university, i was very alone. all the university students were out of town at my church, so i was left to fend for myself. i was in a new program, feeling that i was in way over my head. there were a lot of struggles and uncertainties and no one understood what it was like. so i kept it to myself and trusted God. that year, i learnt that i had been relying far too much on people and not enough on God. i knew it too. most of my second year was spent in transition, looking for a new church and settling into it. the second half of my second year was developing new friendships. then, in the summer, i lose eric. my heart closes up and runs towards the mountains, never to return, never to be hurt again. no one around me could understand the heartache and pain that i was experiencing. most people didn't dare try. it was such an awkward topic to bring up so most people didn't bother. i was alone again. fast forward four months, i develop pains my arms, wrists and hands, which later is identified as fibromyalgia eight months later. yet another part of my life that isolates myself further from everyone else. no one knows what it's like to be stripped away of being able to do everyday tasks and things that you love (i.e. guitar, i stopped playing for a whole year). no one knows what it's like to wake up everyday with your body aching in pain. no one knows what it's like to have to live according to what your body does. but somehow in the midst of all this, i realize that i've been very closed off to people so i try to start opening up more of my life to others. but do i ever really need others in my life? do i ever rely on them? no.

i know that some of this resulted from being far too busy for my own good. i focused so much time in design that there was never any time left for anything else. being open to others and letting people care for me simply wasn't on my agenda. the ironic thing was, that i would make time for other people, to care for them and check up for them, but i never allowed the opposite to happen. i'd disappear and seem unreachable because i was always too busy. my past term in seminary hasn't improved any of this either. i feel like i keep burning my relationships. add to all this the fact that i've always been a very independent person and my personality type is such that relationships is not high on my list.

in the span of these four-five years, i moved from one end of the spectrum (relying too heavily on others) to the opposite end (not relying on others at all). it seems like my life is marked by extremes. i'm always too much of one thing or not enough of it. i need to figure out how to be more balanced in this respect. balance is the one thing that i have a tough time figuring out, but i am learning, slowly.

well, 2006 is around just around the corner. i hope things'll be different and i'm positive that it just might. jon and i are starting up our men's group again. and while it'll take some time to get to know the new faces, i think a lot of good will come from it.

abba Father

December 17, 2005

have you ever watched a young child interact with his father? i mean REALLY watched? you know, the sit down and observe them for a while kind of watching.

i was over at tim's house today and finally got to see tobin again. he was extremely shy today. i haven't seen him enough to know how he's been like, but tim was saying that it was different from his usual self. it was actually pretty fascinating to me. tobin would slump his head over tim's shoulder and bury his head into it.

i was upstairs with tim showing him some stuff on his new iMac. jer was downstairs putting a shelf together. after a while, tim, tobin and i went downstairs and watched jer work. periodically, tim would try to give tobin to jer so he could work on the shelf. tobin did not like this at all. the second tim tried to give tobin to jer, he would turn around and bury his head into tim's body. it was obvious that he didn't want to be given to anybody. but at one point, he seemed to be okay with it, momentarily. jer was holding tobin and tim went to work on the shelf. then, tobin started to make a big fuss. the separation was too great. he started wailing and he reached out his arms towards tim. tobin wanted his daddy and he wanted him bad. it was obvious what to do. jer hands him over to tim and tobin immediately quiets down. he collapses in his father's arms. safe and at rest. what a beautiful picture. what a delightful reminder of how we are to long for our abba Father.

oh if we longed for Father that way—that we'd make a big fuss if we couldn't be with Him always and that we'd throw our arms out towards Him and long for Him to come and pick us up in His loving arms. we ought to live our lives like that. in total surrender and submission to our abba. that's how children are to their parents. they live in total reliance on them, desiring only their presence. all they want to do is be with their parents. they also know that when they are with their parents, they are safe. they have no worries or fears. if something scary happens, they can just tuck their head into their mother or father's shoulders and know that everything will be okay. they are protected. that's what tobin was doing today. it's no wonder that we are told to have faith like that of children.

we often refer to God, as just that, God. it tends to be distant and removed. if we learnt to see God as abba Father, it would really change things. abba in aramaic means "papa" or "daddy." there's a certain intimacy and closeness there. a daddy is: a person who will protect you, love you, accept you, take care of you, and supply all your needs; a person you can bring all your worries, cares, fears to; a person who you can look up to, who you can ask all your questions to. what if we began to see Him like that? like a child, we would yearn for the warm embrace of our father and want nothing more than to rest in his strong and loving arms and stay there forever.

"as the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God" - (psalm 42:1 [NIV])

for the sake of the ministry, take care of yourself!

December 13, 2005

it would do our ministries great good if we, as leaders, decided to take care of ourselves. so often we place the ministry ahead of our own well-being thinking that such a motivation is completely justifiable and that it is what we are to do. that is such a lie. sometimes the best thing you can do for the ministry is to take care of yourself.

i wrote a paper for my leadership class on this topic. it's a topic i have been learning throughout the past several years, especially through my health conditions. and i think all of us need to wrap our hearts around this message.

you can download the paper here or you can read it in this journal post. i hope that the material discussed here helps you to reflect on your own life and gives you some perspective on why we must take care of ourselves.

For The Sake of the Ministry, Take Care of Yourself!
By Leo Chan

Full-time ministry typically involves leaders to work between 40-80 hours in any given week. They are given a ton of responsibilities and are constantly working. Some leaders keep pushing themselves (their body and mind) beyond unhealthy limits, thinking that the ministry work will eventually get done. Just one more hour, they say. These leaders are in for a rude awakening. The reality is that ministry never ends. There will always be something else to do, some other issue to solve, some person to counsel and/or help. Leaders sacrifice their own well-being and their relationships for the task at hand. They become workaholics and they justify that they are doing it for God and for the ministry. They get frustrated that their friends and family are not more understanding of them. Eventually, they burnout. Tired, drained, emotionally numb, these leaders are only a shadow of what they once were. Some even leave positions of ministry permanently. Is this the way God intended us to live our lives as leaders? Hardly. The focus of this paper will be on the importance of taking care of oneself as a leader. Class materials, readings, Biblical perspective and my own experiences will be the source for this discussion.

Focus on Yourself
I was with my creative team at the Willowcreek Arts Conference this past year. During the conference, we scheduled to meet one night. I was exhausted from the previous week of activities and the drive down to Chicago. My body was in a lot of pain. My muscles were stiff and aching. As a team member, it was expected of me to attend the meeting. We were going to be discussing some important matters. Yet, I knew that if I went, I would not get much sleep and that my already deteriorated condition would only worsen. To be honest, in most cases, I would have gone to that meeting. However, with my unique health situation, I knew that I could not. The consequences were not worth it. I headed off to bed while my group met without me. Did I regret my decision? A little. But the peace of mind that came the next morning after having a good night?s sleep was a far greater payoff. I learnt that day that sometimes the best thing you can do for the ministry is taking care of yourself. After all, you are the only person that can.
     Some of us act as if we are super-human. We think that we can burn both ends of the stick. We think we can run at full speed forever. We say ?yes? to everything that is given to us. We get involved with everything. We do not realize that our body only has a set amount of energy. If we use up all our energy, performance, efficiency and focus degrades. We begin to let things slip. We do things we may not normally do. Our relationships suffer too. Bill Hybels (2002) writes, ?we leaders are na?ve if we think we can live at an unhealthy pace without causing pain to those closest to us? (p. 194). When we are drained, we become ill-tempered, quick to react, quick to become angry. We become apathetic. The more we push our bodies, the more drained we become. The longer this persists, the more likely we are to isolate ourselves from the people we love and the people we are to love. After all, who wants to spend time with people that snap at them? How do we love others if we keep yelling at all the time? How are we reflecting Christ?
     This behaviour leads to only one place, burnout. The task may have been completed, but at what cost? Was it worth it? As people age, one of the greatest regrets is that they should have spent more time with family, friends, doing things that really meant something to them. Rarely will you hear someone saying they regret not working more. If only we could grab hold of this truth while we are still young. If nobody tells us, we will learn this the hard way. People who have experienced burnouts know that it takes a long time to get back on track. It can take days, weeks, months and even years. Some people never recover. Burnout damages the mind, the heart, the body and the soul.
     In my high school years, I led worship with a close friend every week in our fellowship. At first, we had a great time doing it. It was exciting to have the opportunity to lead God?s people into worship every week. We spent time planning and rehearsing and our friendship blossomed. Over time, this joy ended. Our joy for leading became burdensome. Leading worship became a responsibility and a duty. Yet, we still continued. We did not think anybody would step up if we stepped out, so we pressed on until we could not continue any longer. We were burnt out. We did not want to have to do anything with worship for a long time. It was sad. Bill Hybels had a similar experience in his ministry. He writes, ?eventually I realized the message mill that was taking a toll on me was no longer a joking matter. It was draining me emotionally and spiritually. I began to dread the very thought of another teaching assignment? (Hybels, 2002, p. 241). In both cases, an activity that once brought so much joy became an activity that conjured up an image of frustration, duty and burden. That is a result of burnout.
     Sometimes the best thing we can do for the ministry is to step away from it and focus on ourselves. You might not agree with this and you might not even like it. You are probably thinking, ?But, but, but! That?s so irresponsible. If I leave now, I?ll leave the church in a tight spot.? Perhaps that is true, but we need to ask ourselves if we are in ministry for the long haul or for the short term. If we are in there for the short term, perhaps it is okay to keep pushing a little longer. But if we are serious about sticking this through, we leaders need to take care of ourselves. Reggie McNeal (2000) adds some wonderful perspective on this:

The elevation of one?s participation in church activity to being a litmus test for true Christian piety might be the most ingenious ploy of the enemy ever. Rather than tempt Christians and their spiritual leaders with works of wickedness, he encourages more and more good efforts. The effect in terms of spiritual vitality is remarkably the same. Tired Christians do not evangelize. They lose judgment and choose expediency over values-based decisions and living. Very few make the connection, because each new challenge from the church and pulpit adds another layer of activity to their already-overcrowded lives. (p. 142)

Jesus understood this concept. Jesus knew that there were times when He had to step away from the ministry and take time for Himself. After Jesus fed the five thousand, He went to a mountainside by Himself so that He could pray (see Matthew 14:13-23). The narrative tells us that Jesus dismissed the crowd. This was a major ministry time and yet Jesus calls it quits and ends it early. Some ministers, had they had the chance, would have continued the ministry all night if they could. But Jesus does not. Why? Why did He not stay around and use the time to talk about the love of God? He understood the importance of taking breaks and how necessary it was. He knew that sometimes the best thing to do is to stop working and to take care of the self.

How Can we Care for Ourselves?
Realize You Are Human
Some of us are out to change the world. We have one life and we decided we are going to do everything in our power to make an impact for Jesus. I am not knocking this because that is my heartbeat too. But we must come to grips with our limitations, our own humanity. We do not have unlimited energy. We are not invulnerable beings. We cannot do everything ourselves. Some of us think of ourselves as so pivotal in our churches that if we were to ever leave them, it would cease to function. We are not that important. We are simply not good enough to mess up God?s work. God does not need us to establish His Kingdom. In fact, He would get the job done better and faster without us.

Say ?No? and Reclaim Your Time
Taking care of ourselves means we learn how to say no. Whether we like it or not, the demands of others will always be imposed upon us as leaders. It is inevitable. It is rare to be in a church where you are not constantly being asked to give more of yourself than you already are. Smaller churches are notorious for this.
     Far too many leaders are saying ?yes? to others when their response should be ?no.? We cannot say ?yes? to every person that asks. If we do, we will be spreading ourselves too thin. We will become consumed with the enormous amounts of responsibilities and deadlines that come with each new task and have no time for anything else. We will also be in danger of not heeding the call of God in our lives. Not every opportunity given to us will relate to what God has called us to. For example, if the call of God in my life was to build the local Church, I should not say ?yes? to speaking in the corporate world. By understanding what our call is, it gives us the freedom of saying ?no? to the activities that do not match up. We will not have to feel guilty or ashamed about it. McNeal (2000) says, ?leaders must learn what they can say no to as part of maturing in ordering their life to the voice of God? (p. 59).
     The danger of saying ?yes? can be summed up in a statement that Hybels (2002) makes about his own life, ?the pace at which I?ve been doing the work of God is destroying God?s work in me? (p. 193). We need to be strategic with our time and guard it carefully. I have found that restricting myself to two to three ministries has been ideal. I simply cannot give all my time to the church as a student, though I have been asked to serve in more areas time and time again. In order to best serve the areas of ministries I have committed to, I need to say ?no? to everything else. I need time for my family and friends, my studies and myself.

Finding Balance
Realizing that God did not create us to only do work is the first step to find balance. The story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10: 38-42) shows us that our lives are not simply about working.
     Jesus enters their household and while Martha is busy with all the preparations, Mary chooses to sit and listen at Jesus? feet. Martha cries out to Jesus in her frustration about her sister?s lack of action. Jesus? response to Martha was that Mary had chosen what was better. In other words, Mary?s choice to sit and rest with Jesus was a better decision than choosing to work. Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 3 that there is a time for everything. In a modern context, it could easily be rephrased to say, there is a time to work, a time to rest, a time to exercise, a time to enjoy relationships with family and friends, and a time to spend with in communion with God.
     We all need balance in our lives. After we have carved ourselves time by saying ?no,? we can look to the various aspects of our lives: our relationships, our health, our spiritual life and our work. In order to live a full healthy life, we need balance in all aspects. Sadly, leaders are sometimes willing to sacrifice everything for the ministry.
     I had to learn about balance the hard way. My biggest priority as a student has always been to be excellent at what I do for the glory of God (Colossians 3:17, 3:23). However, my perfectionist tendencies often blurred the line between excellence and perfectionism. As a result, I spent far too much time on schoolwork. I was a workaholic and I did not even know it. My life was severely unbalanced. I had no time for friends and family and I never exercised. God was important in my life, but there was always room for improvement. Then, unexpectedly, chronic pain began to develop in my wrists and forearms. At first, doctors thought it was Repetitive Strain Injury (RSI). I wanted to recover quickly so I began to avoid the activities I thought might be the cause for it. I avoided taking summer school and working so that I could heal and rest. I suddenly had all the time in the world?far more than I wanted. It was in those days that I realized I needed to spend more time with family and friends, start exercising again and begin looking to God more. One night, I went for an evening walk after dinner. I was praying to God about my situation and His response was so clear to me. Had I not developed these pains, I would never have had opportunities to go for leisure prayer walks like that. I would have thought that I did not have enough time for it.
     The week before my next school year began, my chronic pain was rediagnosed as Fibromyalgia Syndrome (FMS). I am convinced that God has allowed this pain to persist in my life in order to help me keep my life balanced. The constant pain restricts me from working non-stop. It forces me to take regular breaks and to engage in regular exercise. It is far too easy for me to get caught up in the busyness of work and ministry and to let other areas of my life slip.

Eating Right, Sleeping and Exercising
Many people take their health for granted. This is especially true of children and teenagers. They think their bodies are invincible and that they can do whatever they want with it. They do not realize how vital their health is. It is only when people age or when their own health deteriorates that they realize how important their health is. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 3:16 that we are God?s temple. In 1 Corinthians 6:20, he writes that we are to honour God with our bodies. It is our responsibility to take care of our bodies properly. This means that we need to eat right, make sure we sleep eight to nine hours a night and exercise on a frequent basis. If we neglect any of these, we are putting our health in jeopardy. While the consequences of neglect are not immediate, it will happen later on in life. There have been studies upon studies regarding the various long-term effects of not eating right, sleep deprivation and lack of exercise.
     My condition with FMS has been a constant reminder of the importance of taking care of my own health. Through it, I have learnt that without your health, you have nothing. While I experience daily pain in my body, I know that it becomes much worse if I do not eat right, sleep and exercise. In my body, the consequences of neglect become immediate as opposed to delayed. There have been numerous occasions when I have been incapacitated because of FMS. I have been too weak to perform daily routines and work (both in studies and in the workplace) on some days. Most of us think we can push our bodies forever. My life is a testimony of how much of a lie it is. The neglect and abuse we cause to our bodies will eventually catch up with us. If not now, it will happen later.

Take a Break and Get Away
Sometimes getting away from the ministry altogether is the best thing we can do for the ministry and ourselves. Let?s face it. Ministry can be very draining on us emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally. People problems, conflict, politics are an inevitable fact of ministry life. As leaders, we are subjected to them regularly, ?I knew I needed a break ? the first seven years of Willow had taken a huge toll on me ? the accumulated hardships associated with that [the first seven years of Willow] had left me emotionally drained and physically exhausted? (Hybels, 2002, p. 239). The fact of doing the same activity day-in and day-out is very draining. Leaders will eventually get worn down and frustrated if measures are not taken to guard against it. To prevent this from happening, we must have the freedom to be honest about our situation with our church and the church must allow us to take breaks if necessary. Taking breaks helps avoid burnout. Hybecls (2002) gives an account about the first break he took from Willowcreek, ?that three-week vacation probably saved my family and my ministry ? I can honestly say that I would not have lasted in pastoral ministry without those summer breaks. Nor would my family? (p. 240).
     Taking breaks gives us the opportunity to refocus. In problem solving situations, solutions often come when we step away from the problem. This is called incubation. Logically, it makes more sense to keep at solving the problem, but we need to understand that being subjected to the same thing over a period of time creates tunnel vision. Tunnel vision means that we can only see things in a certain, limited way. Stepping away helps to broaden our view?we gain perspective. In ministry, if we find ourselves becoming frustrated or drained, we need to take a step back. Maybe the situation we find ourselves in is not as bad as we think. Maybe there are things we have not considered yet.
     Taking a break can also show us what is important. Absence helps reveal what is important to us. About three years ago, I was faced with deciding whether or not to leave my church. I was at that church for ten years, but I was not sure whether or not God was calling me to that place. I wondered if I was there by circumstance or because I was supposed to be there. In order to determine that, I decided to step away from it and see what would happen. When I talked to the pastor about it, he supported my decision. I said I would be taking a break from the church for half a year and evaluate at that point. I was surprised at what happened. While I missed the people in the church, it was in that space that I realized I had to move on. When we are away from the ministry, we can reflect and evaluate. Am I still passionate about the ministry? Has God changed my calling?

Next Steps
Self-care is foundational in leadership. The experiences in my life have literally forced me to learn this truth the hard way, but I thank God for it. I am glad that God has revealed it to me to while I am still young. I have really learnt to see how sometimes the best thing we can do for the ministry is to take care of ourselves. More importantly, sometimes our best service to God is not by doing, but by being, by sitting, by waiting, by resting at His feet and letting His gentle voice whisper over us. I believe these experiences are shaping my foundations to become a future leader in the Church. In writing this paper, I have seen how many of my life lessons are similar to the lessons that Bill Hybels shared in his book, Courageous Leadership.
     These lessons will undoubtedly be used in my future as a leader. Though I am still learning about many of these issues, I have done what I can to put them into practice. I have been intentional about the way I have taken care of myself and through it, I have learnt that taking care of yourself is not easy. Sometimes it means that you miss out on activities that you would prefer doing. Sometimes it means you say ?no? to things that you would really like to do in order to guard your time wisely. Sometimes it might not even seem like it is worth the effort. But at the end of the day, taking care of yourself ensures your longevity.

Conclusion
Ministry will always be there. As leaders, we must get off the mentality of working until the ministry is finished. If we are serious about giving our best to God and the Church, we will become serious about taking care of ourselves. It will require intentionality and discipline and it will not be easy. The hope for us as leaders is that we can echo the same words of Bill Hybels after thirty years of ministry,

my life feels more sustainable than at any other time?ever. From where I stand, my future seems bright. My marriage and family relationships bring me great joy. My energy for ministry and living is increasing ? My love for God, for worship, and for lost people is escalating by the year. (Hybels, 2002, p. 245)

It is possible! With wisdom and discernment, the power of the Holy Spirit, a loving church, the support of family and friends, we can finish well. I?d like to finish with an excerpt from Courageous Leadership, for it encompasses the heart of this paper,

The best gift you can give the people you lead here ? is a healthy, energized, fully surrendered, and focused self. And no one can make that happen in your life except you. It?s up to you to make the right choices so that you can be at your best. (Hybels, 2002, p. 185)

Amen.

Bibliography
Hybels, B. (2002). Courageous leadership. Grand Rapids: Zondervan.
McNeal, R. (2000). A work of heart. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.