thicker skin

March 14, 2006

i switched vocal teachers at the end of january. my teacher was encouraging me to study under her husband, since we had made so much progress in that one session in december. i thought the change made a lot of sense, for i had initially wanted to study with a male teacher!

come february, i started studying with him. i didn't realize it at first, but their styles of teaching and their personality are really quite different. the wife is a lot more motherly. she's kind, caring, and encouraging. the husband is a lot more blunt and up front. he's encouraging too, but he doesn't sugar-coat what he thinks. at first, i thought it was pretty funny. i remember my first lesson with him, i kept laughing at the mistakes that i was making. after all, i was still very new to all this singing stuff.

as lessons progressed, i found that i had a hard time with his style of teaching. it was a lot more harsh. he'd cut me off mid-song, sometimes even after my first two notes and correct me. it got rough. i begin to notice this desire rise up in me to please him. to do whatever it took to make him happy. but i kept failing. i was frustrated that i wasn't able to do what he wanted. i felt like he had all these unfair expectations on me. after all, i hadn't taken vocal lessons for that long... how could he expect me to simply get rid of all my bad habits at once? this bothered me profusely.

i've noticed over the past few years that i really care how others perceive me. i care about their acceptance and approval. whenever i do something, i wonder what people thought of it: when i sing, when i write, when i design, when i read, everything. i don't believe this to be healthy. i thought i had made progress in this area, but after my experiences with my vocal teacher, i guess it hasn't. i think all of this relates to something rooted deep down, from childhood. but this must stop, for i do not live for others, but God alone. add to the fact, that as a leader, i will not always be liked for the decisions that i make. in fact i will be criticized, judged and perhaps even gossiped about. yet, i cannot let myself care too much about such things.

after a few lessons, i decided that no matter how difficult it was, i would stick it through with him. i need to learn how to sort out my issues of looking to others for acceptance and approval. i need to learn how to work with personality types that are more up-front, more blunt about things. in short, i need to develop thicker skin.

i can't say it's been an easy process so far. sometimes i wanted to skip class because i was afraid of what he might say to me. after all, living under the cloud of disappointment isn't the most enjoyable experience. yet, this was my decision. one of the things i've been doing over the past few months is repeating a breath prayer, with the words "i belong to God." i felt that was a good way to enter into my lessons. to remind myself that i belong to God and that's all that matters. i am secure in Christ because it is in Christ that i find life and identity. after doing this, things have been better. my teacher has not changed his style of teaching. he's still the same person he was before. it's my perspective that has changed (though i have been making improvements in the process as well!).

the journey ahead is long. like calluses on a musician's fingertips, it takes time and repeated exposure to develop thicker skin. but this is what i must develop if i am to grow as a person and as a leader.

Father, i desire to look only to you for my identity. sing your song of love over me. help me to understand that i am secure in You, that i don't need to look anywhere else for acceptance and approval. may this truth take deep root in my life and may i rest in that from now until eternity. amen.

the world of youth

March 13, 2006

over february and march, i had the chance to work with the tc jr worship team with my buddy hubert. it's been an interesting journey over the past for me. this has been my first exposure to youth in a few years. i've been learning a lot about youth in seminary, but i've never had an opportunity to see what it really was like for myself.

i never thought i was out-of-date with culture, but being opened to the lives of these teens on the worship team, i see how things have changed drastically over the years. i've always thought i was pretty hip-with-it, but when i started interacting with these teens, i really felt old! i guess the truth of the matter is that culture changes at such at alarming rate, it's hard to keep up with everything. i remember one girl sharing about her university apps and how she was getting only mediocre grades. her mediocre grades were an average of 87%! i thought back to my own apps and smile at how different things were. i think my grades were in the low-mid 80s and that was considered quite good, not simply mediocre.

i was surprised that i was able to keep conversation with these teens. i'm not the most social person in the world and i absolutely loathe small talk (though it has it's place), so for me to be intentional about trying to learn about these guys took a lot of serious effort on my part (though i can't say that i'm super close to any of the team members). in any case, i've had a good time observing them and interacting with them. they're a great group of teens.

i remember one of the members sharing about something he learnt during a retreat. lectio devina. it's a way of reading Scripture that's about your own formation. i had only heard about lectio in my spiritual formation class this semester. i was impressed. they had learnt such a valuable way of reading Scripture at a much younger age than i. i wondered why i never heard about it until now... when i was six years older? i wondered where i would be had i learnt things like this when i was their age. that day, i saw just how wonderful it would be to teach these types of things to young people. i mean, why wait until you're my age right? it's better to learn it young.

during february, i made a decision to be a coach for tc. i figured it'd be a good way to see what the youth world looked like now... plus they needed more coaches. though i had my reservations about it, i knew it was something i needed to do. i met the captains for the team i would be coaching near the end of february. it was really quite amazing. the two captains were so full of zeal and energy for God that they stirred up excitement in me too. now i know what dave means when he talks about how the energy of youth keeps you young at heart. it's encouraging to see young people so enthused about God. i find myself desiring to see more young people like that. can you imagine the impact they could make?

today was the first day of tc jr. i went down to see the worship team this morning, for moral support. i'm so proud of how much progress they've made over the past month and how they've grown together. i felt so old this morning! i was watching as tc captains ran in front of the sanctuary with so much energy and hype. did i really do that kind of stuff when i was younger? afterwards, i went to ajax to meet up with the two captains. i had a great time with them, planning together some of the activities that we would be doing on wed/thurs.

in reflecting on both of these experiences, i see this desire in me to support, encourage and teach young people. i hope to impart knowledge and wisdom in their lives. i see why i'm learning about youth in seminary because i think i'll be very involved with them in the future, no matter what role i take in ministry.

i'm excited for the next few days. i'm not sure exactly what will happen, but i choose to walk in faith and trust God to use me to glorify His kingdom through my inadequacies and insufficiencies.

for His glory.

closed: without power

March 12, 2006

i was at the club a few fridays ago and saw a sign hanging in the locker-room. it was a notice informing members that the club would be closed for one day. the hotel would be making repairs to their electrical systems, leaving the club without power for one day.

something struck me as a read that. i believe any member who read that sign would be understanding of the situation. i highly doubt that anyone would have serious issues with the club being closed. as humans, we seem to understand that when something is broken, we fix it (though some people are a little more lenient with this rule). we know that using broken things is not very productive or useful, so we tend not to use it until it's repaired.

i wonder why the same isn't true with our dealings with people. in church ministry, if a leader needs to step out and take a break, our almost immediate response is to question their motives. can i suggest that if a leader makes an assertion that they need to step out of ministry for a season, they are waving a red flag that says they are broken and in great need of repair. leaders get burnt out. ministry can be extremely draining on our leaders, emotionally, spiritually and physically. there are constant demands being made on them from church elders, congregation members and church staff.

we need to be a lot more understanding of the people and realize that our leaders are human too. just because God has called them to ministry, it doesn't mean they somehow have superpowers and can withstand more abuse than other people. they too, need time for rest, time in solitude with God, time for rejuvenation. they must be able to find time for this in their weeks. the church should support them in this too and free up their schedules so that it can happen.

another thing about this sign...the club would have been completely useless without any power! in the same way, our Christian leaders are useless without power. without power, they are left to human wisdom, human plans and human strategies. these efforts are futile. psalm 127:1 [NIV], says "unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain." they need the power from on high in order to make impact for the kingdom of God.

the ONLY way our leaders can have power, is by remaining connected to the source. Jesus, in john 15:5-6 [NIV], says "i am the vine; you are the branches. if a man remains in me and i in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. if anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned." they remain in God, by spending time with Him, by reading His Word, by prayer, by reflection, solitude and silence.

i say all these things, because i know what it's like to have constant demands and expectations placed on you in leadership. i've seen other leaders experience the same problems too. as a church body, it's our responsibility to care for those that lead us and support them in whatever way we can.