today marks three years

August 13, 2006

today marks three years since eric passed away. it's been three years since i've heard his voice, interacted with him, saw him, smelt him, touched him. i'm not entirely sure how i feel today. i'm not sure how i'm supposed to feel.

ann was asking me how i was feeling today. i told her, i feel somber. but i don't think that's it. but i'm not sure what else is there. i do miss my brother a lot. i really wish he could be here now to see all that's happened over the past few years, to see the person God has shaped me to become. and i especially wish he could have met ann. i know he would have totally loved her.

this year feels a little different. i think the sting of his death feels less and less as time passes. people would say that i'm starting to "move on." but i don't like that phrase. i don't think you can move on from death. i think the sting of it can lessen and it doesn't have the power it once had over you. but you never move on from your loved ones. you never move on from the memories you shared with them. you never move on from missing them. if you do, i think there's really something wrong with that.

also, there have also been many other changes this year. as i've written before, God really has brought me into a new season of life in 2006. i finally see things with new eyes. things have finally started to turn around in my life after a very harsh, cold, bitter, and long winter. i have much more hope and joy this year. i really feel like i'm in my chapter 40 of job. the biggest, most wonderful change in my life has been ann. i am constantly overjoyed that God would bring the two of us together. getting to know her more has been such a privilege and honour. words fail me when i try to describe how incredible these past few months have been. i love every moment with her. i love all the times we've shared. we've really had some beautiful, beautiful moments and i look forward to many more to come!

all that being said, it's still not easy to sit here and write all of this. a part of me is screaming to stop. it knows that i could bring up hurt and woundedness that exists within me. but, i've learnt through all this, that pain can be very good for us. most humans avoid pain at all costs. it hurts, it's uncomfortable, it doesn't feel good. it can be excruciatingly hard to bear. it can tear us apart. but, sometimes, i think we need to stare pain straight in the eye. facing pain is the only way we can have healing and restoration. avoiding it does nothing. but it's not easy. i've hit the lowest points of my life over the past few years. my entire world was completely ripped apart. everything i knew was shaken and/or destroyed, but God's faithfulness was always there. His love, grace and mercy flew like a banner over my life.

when it comes to death, the western world tells us to avoid thinking about people that have passed away, to push down feelings, to "get over it" after a certain period of time. this sort of thinking only perpetuates the cycle. if we never deal with what's there, the woundedness, the brokenness, the pain, the hurt, we will always walk around with it. it will affect our lives, whether we like it or not. there's nothing in western world mentality that suggests we face those things head on. i think the western mentality needs to get a clue. i think it's important, especially on days like this, to remember the good times, the good memories with the loved one that has passed on. after all, why do we grief and mourn? because we loved the person so much. because we miss them. because of the memories we shared with them. because of the parts of our lives we shared together. to not acknowledge these feelings and thoughts is to not acknowledge the person. and though it's hard, i think the tears and the pain can really bring healing into the soul.

my mom had an especially rough time yesterday. she was thinking a lot about my brother and how yesterday was the last time she ever spoke to him. that got me thinking too. i had forgotten about that. the day before my brother died, he came into my room and plopped on my bed. he did that a lot. sometimes he would lay there for so long, he'd fall asleep. i'd have to go up to his room and sleep in his bed because i didn't want to wake him up. in the middle of the night, he'd wake up, go to his room and use his computer. being a light sleeper, i'd wake up and then go back to my bed to sleep. i remember that night, i was working on the computer. he came in and we talked briefly. he asked me about how i knew what God's will was. i shared with him what i thought about it. he laid there for a while and eventually headed back up to his room. that was the last thing we talked about. i used to wish that i had told him i loved him that night and i know a part of me still wishes i could have done that. but, i know there's no point in thinking such things, because there's nothing i can do about that.

i decided to look at my brother's pooh bear today. every time i look at his pooh bear i always think of him. it's almost like looking at my brother. his pooh bear went with him everywhere he did. he loved his pooh bear and hugged him all the time. so, i looked at him and was thinking about the memories we had together. i decided to take out my photo album and look at a picture of us together. it's the only picture i have of us when we were older (from high school). i cherish this picture a lot. as i looked at him, tears started pouring down my face. i really miss him. three years seems like so long ago, but i still miss him dearly. i miss all the times we shared together. i miss the laughs. i miss talking with him. i miss everything about him.

as the tears came, ann was there to support me. i really appreciated that. she even missed her softball practice to be there with me. that meant a lot to me. a part of me didn't want her to skip it, because i knew she was looking forward to going. in that moment, i realized that maybe i don't know how to let people support me. i've always tried to figure out things on my own (with God of course). i've always been the lone ranger type. as those thoughts came, the Lord told me to let her be there for me. deep down, i really did want her to stay and be there. and i'm so glad she did. i couldn't express in words to her how much that meant to me. i shared with her memories that eric and i had together. i shared with her many things about him and about myself. ann, thank you. thank you for being you. thank you for listening. thank you for your care and concern. thank you for your love and support. your actions move me so deeply.

three years. eric, i really miss you. you were one-of-a-kind. you lived with such authenticity, such freedom. you never cared what other people thought of you and i really admire that. i always looked up to you. i long for the day that we will be reunited again. you were the best brother i could ever have asked for and i love you so much. i always will. till we meet again.