my soul must sing

November 12, 2006

it's hard to watch the ones you love go through pain. it's even harder to know that there's nothing you can do to help them.

my mom's health has been slowly declining over the past few months. she's seen doctor after doctor, doing test after test, hoping that someone will be able to pinpoint what's been going on in her body. to this day, no one has been able to figure out anything. all her test results return negative, but her symptoms remain the same and her health gets worse. something is obviously wrong, but what is it? every day i wake up hoping that my mom would feel better and every day my hope is vanquished.

i've been praying hard for her. i've been pleading with God to heal her. but He has not yet answered. i know God loves my mom and that He is able to heal her. i want to believe that He will, i want to trust that He will, but i honestly don't know. God still hasn't healed me from my fibromyalgia and believe me, i've prayed fervently that He would. i've asked people to pray for me. i've responded at services for healing. and yet He still hasn't. i don't know if He ever will. some people think that God desires to heal everybody from physical ailment, but i don't think that's true. maybe i'm wrong. but when i look at the world, i don't see that happening. still, i want to have faith that God will heal my mom.

this whole deal has been really hard on my entire family. the unspoken fear, that all of us are afraid of putting to words, is that my mom's life is in jeopardy. my family couldn't handle that at this point. i know that all of our days are numbered, but i'm praying that the Lord will give my mom many, many more days. i can't lose her. my dad can't lose her. the shock, the trauma, the pain, the hurt of eric's death still ripples through each of us and if we lost her now, we'd be absolutely devastated and crushed.

i love my mom dearly. she's one of the sweetest, brightest, cheery people you'd ever meet. she's an amazing woman of God and i respect her so much. i have so much to learn from her. she's also one of the most important people in my life. she's always been there to support, love, care, and encourage me and i thank God for giving me such an amazing mom. she truly is the best mom in the world!

i wish i had more time on my hands, so i could do help around the house more, like cook and clean. my mom simply can't do all the things that she used to do. but i've got so much on my plate right now: church, school, job hunting and my health. over the past month and a half, i've experienced frequent dizzy spells. sometimes they last for a few minutes, sometimes a few hours. it's very uncomfortable and i have a hard time concentrating and doing anything when it hits. i've been seeing doctors and doing tests to figure out what's going on, but no one knows yet. i've been praying that God would shed light on me too. lately, i've been experiencing a lot more pain in my body and i've been feeling a lot more tired during the day.

all of this has been chipping away at my spirits without me noticing it. i arrived at church this morning, wanting desperately to meet with God and hear from Him. as we started, i had a hard time worshipping. it's hard to worship God when you're facing difficult times, but i believe that is exactly what we must do and what we need to do. in difficult times, we need to cling to God the most. i realized that i couldn't really sing the songs and mean them. so, i decided to sing the songs to myself, to my soul. i needed to do that. i needed to be reminded of God's greatness and God's character. i needed to be reminded that God is love. slowly, but surely, God lifted my eyes from my current troubles and fixed them on Him. i could once again worship Him for who He was.

a few years ago, when charlie hall lead worship, i remember him saying that sometimes we need to sing to our soul. i never really understood what he meant by that, but i do now. sometimes our soul is so discouraged and downcast, so heavy, so full of burdens, that we are unable to truly worship God. we are unable to lift our eyes from our problems and look to God. we are unable to give to Him all the things that weigh us down. in those moments, we would do well to acknowledge our struggle and ask the Lord to help us and then sing (i don't necessarily mean that we actually sing) to our soul about what is true. we need to remind ourselves of who God is. even if we don't believe it at the moment, we must remind ourselves of who God is. as we start focusing on Him, things change. we begin to remember who He is.

that's what david did in psalm 42:5-6 [NIV], "why are you downcast, o my soul? why so disturbed within me? put your hope in God, for i will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. my soul is downcast within me; therefore i will remember you from the land of the jordan, the heights of hermon—from mount mizar."

i don't know what the future holds, but i know God holds it. i know He hold my mom in His hands. i know that she's His child and He loves her very much. i pray that God would bring healing into her life. i pray that He would continue to sustain her life. i pray that He would shed light on what's going on. i pray that He would encourage, comfort, and strengthen her. i pray that the joy and the cheeriness would return back to her.

Lord, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" - mark 9:24 [NIV]

a beautiful love story

November 10, 2006

last friday was ann and my six month anniversary.

the highlight of the evening was our gift exchange. both of us had been working on our "secret projects" for one another. we both spent a lot of time putting them together. ann made me a scrapbook, highlighting everything we've done over the past six months. as i was reading her note at the beginning, i was overwhelmed by her thoughtfulness, her care, her time, her efforts, and most of all, her love. it moved me so much that tears welled up in my eyes.

as we looked through the scrapbook together, i was reminded very much of God's goodness and love on us. i was reminded of how God brought our lives together at the right time. earlier that night, before eating dinner, ann asked me to pray for the food and for us. i was so amazed, so full of gratitude and thanksgiving to God, that i could barely put words together. thank you simply wasn't enough for me to say to God, but i didn't know how to say it in any other way. there was no words in the english language that could express what i was feeling: joy, gratitude, amazement, awe, wonder, disbelief (i could not believe that we were together), happiness, love, peace, hope. words are sometimes not enough. i've been so thankful for the work that God has done in our lives. i still feel like i'm dreaming sometimes. i ask myself, is this true? can it really be true? how can someone so amazing actually exist? and how is it that i'm with her? 

i never wrote about how our relationship began; i think this is a fitting time to do so. our relationship was God ordained from the very beginning and i am in constant awe of His mercy and grace on us.

from a very early age, i saw dating as something you should and only do if you could foresee the person you were with as a potential spouse. it was more than just having feelings for someone and them having feelings for you. it was deeper than that. it was about the long term. i never saw anyone in that light, so i never asked anyone out. i was single for 24 years. that's not easy, by the way. being single for so long in an age where everyone around you is hooking up, getting engaged and getting married, is hard. it's hard because you feel left out. it's hard because you wonder if you'll ever meet the right person. it's really hard.

over the years, i heard a lot of messages about dating. i'm really glad that i did. it helped shaped what i understood about dating and what i understood of myself. i knew that though i wanted to have a wife, i was never ready for one. i had so much on my plate, from school, to church to my own life. so much happened in my life and i needed to deal with that. i always joked with people about saying how i choose to be single, but i honestly believe that God kept me single for that long to develop and grow who i was. He kept me single to prepare me to be in a relationship. i think some of us move too fast for that to happen. we act our feelings for other people and head straight into relationships without asking and waiting on God. but know this, God's timing is truly perfect. at just the right time, in just the right way, He provides. we could try to advance His agenda and take things into our own hands, but i'm so glad that God enabled me not to. i've seen the heartache and pain that people have felt because of relationships that didn't work out. i've seen the baggage that they carry with them in their lives because of it. still, all this being said, i know how hard it is to ask and wait on God because if you are single for as long as i was, the situation seems very hopeless and bleak. i always wondered, "when would it happen? would it ever happen?" i always said to my mom, "where's the wife?" in her wisdom, she would reply "she's coming right up. God's preparing her." that never really did it for me. but in retrospect, how words were so true. we'll get to that later.

while i prayed regularly to meet my wife, i doubted that it would actually happen to me. to me, meeting her seemed so far-fetched. it seemed so intangible. it seemed utterly impossible. everywhere i looked, i saw nothing. and believe me, i was looking. i had no idea where i would meet her. she wasn't at church and she wasn't at school. those were the only two places where i interacted with people. so where would she come from? would she somehow fall from heaven? i remember one of my friends told me, "leo, maybe you already know her." i shrugged. i couldn't think of anyone. enter ann.

i met her at urbana 2000. a massive group of torontonians headed down that year. she was amongst that massive group. we met during the conference. in fact, we actually sat beside each other during the new year's eve service. we got to know each other briefly and exchanged contact information. we kept in touch for a while, but eventually we lost contact. in november 2005, tony campolo was speaking at my church. ann and her friend wendy came. i had no idea she came. i was part of the worship team that day and after the event ended, ann came up to say hi. we spoke briefly and updated each other about where we were at. i hadn't seen her or spoke to her in years. it was nice to see her again.

like i said earlier, i never thought i was ready for a wife. some of my friends and family told me that i was too picky and that my standards were too high. but i don't think that was the case at all. God was doing in a work in me to prepare me. part of that was getting my priorities straight. i always had this list of things i wanted my wife to have. some were deep and very important to me, some were more superficial (i.e. playing the piano, cooking well, enjoying food). around december 2005, i came to the conclusion that all i really wanted was a godly woman. someone who desired God and was being shaped by Him. i finally started to feel like i was ready to be in a relationship. the big question for me was, "where is she going to come from?"

around february, i started thinking about being a tc coach. after high school, i was never able to help out at tc because of university. that week was always one of the most intense weeks in design and there was no way i could skip class for it. jer had been a tc coach one year and he had a pretty great experience, so he encouraged me to do it. can't, i told him. got school. busy. well, being at tyndale, that excuse no longer worked. we had the march break off. so, after praying about it and having jer kicking me in the butt, i decided i'd do it. i had no idea what i was getting myself into. when i finally asked paula about it, they no longer had need for senior coaches and were looking for junior coaches. i really didn't want to do junior. it was too much of a stretch for me, so i told her that i'd really want to do senior. by then, i had missed a lot of the coach workshops. i went to the last one offered and guess who i saw there? ann. she was a senior coach. we briefly talked. in the workshop, we also sat beside each other.

fast forward to TC, day two. the coaches had the option of attending a coaches workshop. the day before, a bunch of coaches skipped it and we hung out on these couches upstairs in the church. i intended to do the same on day two. that morning, i went upstairs to put my stuff away and then went to the bathroom. when i came out, i saw ann heading towards the couch area, where we were the day before. i asked her what she was going to do and we decided to hang out. it was just the two of us. for some strange reason, all the other coaches were nowhere to be found. they all disappeared. i believe that moment was God ordained. ann and i never really got to know each other very well before that day. that was our first time. we sat beside each other and talked for 1.5 hrs. we talked about a lot of things, deep things. i loved every moment of it. as we talked, i kept thinking, "man, this girl is amazing! i've never met anyone like her!" the biggest thing that stood out to me about her, was her deep desire and love for God. she was the kind of godly woman i had been looking for. time flew by so quickly. for the rest of the day, we kept bumping into each other and chatting. ann mentioned that "we should go grab a coffee sometime." i knew that i was definitely going to take her up on that offer. she perked my curiousity. i was really interested in getting to know her more. there was no way i would miss the opportunity. at the end of TC day two, ann and i spoke briefly and i made sure to mention to her that i would really like to go for coffee with her sometime. i decided that i was going to follow up with her two weeks later.

leaving TC, i was pretty excited. i really wanted to get to know ann more, so i looked her up on MSN. i went online every day to see if she was there. i hadn't been using MSN much prior to that. a lot of my friends noticed i was on MSN all the time and they asked me about it. i'd say, "oh, i have more free time now." two weeks later, she finally went on.

before i continue, it's important that i mention one thing. i was never good with talking to girls. i never knew what to say to them, so for me to have the courage to do any of this was not from me. i was well aware of this during the entire process. it was God who gave me the courage. to give an example. i remember jer asked me to called one of the girls on synergy to check up on her and see how she was doing. i was extremely hesitant but he made me do it. i didn't know what to say. that call was the most awkward conversation i've ever had.

ann and i started to get to know each other over msn. we continued to find out that we had virtually everything in common, from superficial things to deeper stuff. i think both of us were equally surprised and amazed by that. since easter was coming up, ann had been planning to do a special presentation at her church. i had created some motion graphic videos earlier on that i thought could be helpful, so i told her to view them.

the following week was my birthday. ann sent me a sweet e-card. the following monday was ann's birthday (our birthdays are three days apart). i wanted to send her an e-card too, but as a graphic designer, i was disappointed with the designs i saw. so, i decided to make my own e-card for her. by now, i already had feelings for her. ann had told me that she really wanted to use the videos at her church; i told her it would be best to give her a DVD with them so it'd play at high resolution (in actuality, i wanted an excuse to meet with her). we met up that week, thursday night. we had a great time of sharing and fellowship. both of us were really anxious and nervous about it, but it turned it to be a really amazing time.

from then on, we started talking a lot on the phone and hanging out together. throughout this whole process, i was praying a lot about ann. i knew i had feelings for her and i could see her as a potential spouse. but, i knew that i could be simply acting on my own desires and i wanted to avoid this at all costs. i wanted to make sure that what i was feeling was from the Lord. i wanted to make sure that ann was the person He wanted me to be with. i was also scared. after losing eric, my heart had closed up. i wrote in an earlier entry that my heart went far away, high up into the mountains, never to return again. i was afraid of being hurt again. i couldn't bear the pain. but i could feel my heart opening up to ann. and it was opening up fast. so while we got to know each other, i started saturating myself in God's word, in prayer, seeking the guidance and counsel of close, trusted friends and listening to lots of sermons about dating, relationships and marriage.

our relationship grew deeply in a very short amount of time. i felt i knew ann as well as people i knew for several years. around mid-april, i  started thinking about letting ann know about my feelings for her. i felt it was important for both of us to be clear about where we were at in our relationship. were we just friends? was it leading to something more? did we both have feelings for each other? some people call this a DTR, defining the relationship. i am a firm believer in it. i think it's almost impossible for single girls and guys to be close friends and not have any feelings for one another. one side is bound to have feelings for the other side at some point. that's why it's important to do a DTR, so there's clear expectations on both sides. it'll avoid a lot of potential heartache and disappointment.

i wasn't sure when i could do this though. was it too soon? i received a variety of opinions from my close friends. some told me to wait. some told me to go for it. i felt in my heart that i needed to tell her and that i needed to tell her soon. i decided that i would do something really special for her, tell her my feelings and ask her out. the date was set for may 3, 2006.

as the date neared, i became more and more nervous and scared. what would she say? would she say yes? if she said no, i'd be devastated and crushed. by this point in our relationship, i was already very emotionally involved and my heart was already vulnerable to her. i didn't think i could handle hearing her say no, but at the same time, i needed to know. there wasn't any way i could remain silent and let our relationship continue without being clear about where we were at. i was praying a lot about this, giving my concerns and thoughts to God, waiting on Him and listening to Him. God spoke to me so clearly about it. never in my life had God been so reassuring and so direct with me about something. He kept reassuring me that ann would say yes, that He had brought us together for this purpose. and every time i would talk back in rebuttal, He would keep reassuring me. "but, but, but, what about..." "leo, trust me, i didn't bring you together to cause you pain." God knew where i was at. He knew what i needed to have the courage to step out in faith and ask ann. He reminded me of His words in jeremiah 29:11 [NIV], "for I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

may 3rd, game day. i opened up my Bible that morning and read philippians 2:13 [NIV], "for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose." it was just what i needed to hear. throughout march and april, i had been wondering if i was acting on my desires and wishes, rather than God's. that morning, it became crystal clear to me. God was saying to me that morning, that yes, sometimes we make our desires and plans into what we believe is from God. after all, if you really want something bad enough, you can make anything support it. but with ann, that simply wasn't the case. God had been working in me to will and to act in this way. like i said before, it really wasn't me that could do all these things. God was giving me the courage and the encouragement to act this way.

my plan was this: pick ann up from work, give her a rose, blindfold her, take her to edward's gardens where our picnic site would already be set up, have lunch together, sing her a song, do my speech and ask her out. when we got to edward's garden, i led ann out of the car and walked her to the picnic site. i remember that i couldn't believe i was actually going through with it. it was so atypical of me. when we got to the picnic site, i took off her blindfold and she was VERY surprised. she asked me a lot of questions. we enjoyed our picnic and then i told her to close her eyes again. i went to grab my guitar that i had carefully hid behind a tree. again, i thought to myself, "i can't believe i'm really going through with this!" i starting singing to her, very nervously, i might add, not knowing what was going through her head. after i finished, i picked up her hands and said the little speech i had prepared (for those of you who know me well, i'm very bad at on the spot speaking. i need to put things to paper before i can gather my thoughts in any kind of intelligible way). the last part of my speech was asking her to go out with me. she, of course, said yes. that's what God had been telling me all along but i was so nervous nonetheless. i couldn't believe it! did it really happen? i finally met the woman of my dreams and now i was together with her. it was so incredible. i felt so much joy in my heart and i couldn't contain it. i wanted to shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone i knew. that moments was one of the most cherished, most happy, most important moment in my life.

prior to all of this, ann, like me, had been wrestling with her feelings. she wondered if i reciprocated them or if it was one-sided. she wanted to approach me and talk about it. in fact, may 2nd, she had been talking to someone about it, about what she should do. she was advised to talk with me about it. it was no coincidence that the next day, i asked her out. ann thought she'd have to wait a really long time before i said anything. and had i listened to some of the advice i received, she would have. but i couldn't deny what God was doing within me. i couldn't deny what i was feeling, what i was thinking about. i'm so glad that He gave me the courage, the faith to act out.

i wrote earlier, that my mom always said to me, "she's coming right up. God's preparing her." God wasn't simply working in me. He was working in ann too. He had brought her to place where she would not settle for anyone but the person she was going to marry. ann was perfectly content being single. she would have much rather been single than to be with the wrong person. when we re-met each other, it was exactly at the right time. i had been praying for God to provide me with a wife. ann had been praying to God that He would provide her a husband. had it been at a different time, it wouldn't have worked. God truly had perfect timing.

ann and i have grown so much throughout the past six months. i've learned so much from her, about myself and about God through our relationship. i've never experienced such deep love for anyone before. i've never cared for someone this much. i thank God every day for having her in my life. i thank God every day for being so good to us, for bringing our lives together at just the right time, for His purposes. i thank God for giving me this wonderful privilege and honour to walk alongside ann in this life and i will be forever grateful to Him. i would never have thought that i could meet someone that was so on the same page as me about everything. i would never have thought i'd meet the woman of my dreams this year. ann is so more than anything i could ever have asked or hoped for. i still can't believe i'm with her!

ann, happy six months!! you're such a precious, daughter of God. you're such a blessing to me. thank you for brightening up my life. thank you for your care, your words, your encouragements, your thoughtfulness, your time, your advice, your gifts, your trust, your sacrifices, everything! but most of all, thank you for your love for me. may we grow deeper in our love each day.

joy in trials

November 1, 2006

i had the opportunity to write and deliver my first sermon in october. it was done in my intro to preaching class at tyndale. it was a really great experience! i used to think that putting sermons together wasn't that difficult. since i write a lot, i figured it wouldn't be that different from some of my blogs. i basically broke it down to three things: do an exegetical study on the passage, write the manuscript and then deliver it. but, after going through the process, i see how very wrong i was! there's so many other things to think about too. i finally understand how much work and thought and prayer is involved behind preparing a sermon and because of that, i really appreciate the work of pastors that much more. i know it's easy for us to become critical of what our pastors say on any given sunday, but i think if we really understood the type of work that is necessary, i think we would be less judgemental and more understanding. most pastors don't just preach. that's only one aspect of their role and preaching really could be a full-time job by itself!

my biggest concern going into writing the sermon was about the Biblical exegesis. i wanted to make sure that i stayed true to what the Bible was saying and from the feedback i received, i was able to do that by the grace of God. i found this sermon developped out of my life story. the theology behind it is what the Lord showed me through my trials of losing my brother and having to deal with fibromyalgia. i hope that you may be encouraged by it.

Joy in Trials: A Sermon on James 1:2-12 [download pdf version here]
By Leo Chan

A. Parnell Bailey visited an orange grove where an irrigation pump had broken down. The season was unusually dry and some of the trees were beginning to die for lack of water. The man giving the tour then took Bailey to his own orchard where irrigation was used sparingly. "These trees could go without rain for another 2 weeks," he said. "You see, when they were young, I frequently kept water from them. This hardship caused them to send their roots deeper into the soil in search of moisture. Now mine are the deepest-rooted trees in the area. While others are being scorched by the sun, these are finding moisture at a greater depth."

If trees could talk, I’m sure they’d be thanking that man for causing the hardship earlier on in their lives. Have you ever had joy in the midst of trials? Have you ever thanked God for the work He was doing in your life through difficult, painful, trying circumstances? Today, we come to a challenging passage from the book of James, James 1:2-12. Let's read it together. Perhaps the most striking verses in this passage are verses 2 and 3.

James tells us to consider it pure joy when we are facing trials because we know that the testing of our faith develops perseverance. If we stop and pause to think about this for a moment, James is saying some serious things here. It seems impossible and even ridiculous to consider trials as a cause for joy, doesn't it? At the time of writing, James was addressing Jewish Christians who were being persecuted for their faith. Their faith was being threatened because of their loyalty to God. So, how in the world could they see this as a cause for joy? Was James being insensitive to the troubles they were facing? Was he telling them to simply put on a happy face and deny what they were going through?

There are two key words in verses two and three: joy and trials. Let’s define these words before moving on. In our world today, we tend to equate the words happiness and joy together. But happiness and joy aren’t the same thing. Happiness is about self-satisfaction and self-gratification. It’s a temporary, fleeting emotion. It rises and falls very quickly depending on circumstances. One minute, we could be on top of the world, the next minute, at the bottom of it. This is not what James meant. He knew his readers couldn't be happy in their circumstances–it was impossible! James understood their situation though. He knew the hardship they were facing and the pain they felt. He knew how trying the circumstance was on them and their faith. James was encouraging his readers to lift their eyes off their circumstances and place it onto God. He was telling them that God was using this time of trial to grow in them something they did not have. It was in that understanding, that James wrote. It was in that understanding, that his readers could have this thing called joy. So, what’s joy? The Bible describes joy very differently from what we understand as happiness. Joy is enduring. Joy persists. It’s not temporary. It does not rise and fall depending on circumstance. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. It develops out of a relationship with God. It comes from knowing and believing in the promises of God. Joy gives us the ability to face the difficulties of life and still trust and hope in God.

Now that we’ve defined joy, let’s define trials. The Greek word for trials is peripito. It refers to an unwelcome and unanticipated experience. James is referring to the circumstances in life that we don't want and don't expect. It's the unexpected death of a family member. It's suddenly losing your job that you've had for 25 years. It's finding out you have cancer. It's being dumped by your significant other after being together for seven years. Trials come in all shapes and sizes. Some trials are more intense than others: some can last for years before letting up, some may never end. No matter what kind of trial it is, it is always excruciatingly difficult and painful. Trials shake the very foundation of who we are and what we believe. In trials, we lift up our hands and ask God, "Why me? Why now?" In trials, we experience a wide range of things: anger, confusion, fear, pain unspeakable, sadness, depression, desperation, bitterness, tears, questions unending. Trials test our faith in God. In times of trials, we have two ways we can respond: we either turn away from God or we run to Him.

So, in the midst of trials, how do we make sure we run to God rather than turning away from Him? Is it really possible to have joy and persevere? I’ll tell you this. It’s impossible if we look solely at our circumstances. Our circumstances will look too big, too hard, too difficult, too bleak, too hopeless, too depressing, too sad, too overwhelming. The only we can persevere and have joy is by the grace of God. Trials can and will break us if we try to get through and handle them on our own. We simply aren't strong enough! We need God. We need His strength and we need His wisdom. "We need wisdom to know how to cope with trials, for wisdom provides a clear view of our situation from God's perspective." This is why James instructs us to ask God for wisdom. When God gives us wisdom, he gives us a new way of seeing. He takes our eyes off the circumstance itself and puts it onto Him. He shows us that the testing of our faith can develop perseverance. He shows us that when perseverance finishes its work, we will be mature and complete and not lack anything. What we need the most when we face trials is God's wisdom. Let me say that again. What we need the most when we face trials is God's wisdom! God's wisdom may not change our situation, but it certainly changes us.

When we ask God for wisdom, we must believe He will generously give it to us. When we pray, it is not simply a matter of asking. The act of asking does not mean we have faith. When we pray, we must also believe that God is able and will answer. James writes in verse 7 that a person who doubts is like a boat tossed back and forth in turbulent waters. Picture this for a moment. You’re in a small boat. The waters around you are really turbulent. You try to move the boat through the waters, but waves keep crashing against the side of the boat, rocking you back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. You’re stuck and can’t move. That’s what doubt is. It’s a state of inaction. It paralyzes the individual from acting or moving. Doubt takes our focus off God and puts on the self. In essence, it’s a state of unbelief. We can’t approach God in this way and then expect Him to answer us. Doubt is saying to God that we do not believe in His character, in His ability to give to us what we ask of Him. We must approach God in faith when we ask for wisdom.

However, God's wisdom may not come to us right away and it may not come in the way we'd want it. Remember, that one of the purposes of trials is to grow perseverance, as James said in verse 3. Perseverance doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a slow process and it takes time to develop. The Greek word for perseverance is hupomone. It refers to a patient enduring, steadfastness, endurance and constancy. There’s also an idea of hope and expectancy. These traits do not suddenly appear in us because of trials. Trials are merely the grounds for which they can develop. It is our response that determines the outcome.

So how should we respond? After we’ve asked God for wisdom in faith, we need to trust in Him continually. I have to stress the importance of the word continually. Trials always last for a period of time, sometimes weeks, sometimes months, sometimes years and sometimes whole lifetimes. Like we’ve already discussed, trials will wear us down if we try to deal with them on our own strength. We can’t outlast them. It’s like trying to swim against the current of a really powerful rapid. We can try with all our might to swim up the stream and for a while, it might even work, we might actually make some progress. But as time passes, our strength will give in to the relentless force of the current. Let’s face it. Trials will take their toll on us. The only way we can persevere through them is by being renewed by God regularly. This means we go to God with all our cares, feelings and thoughts, lay them at His feet and allow Him to speak truth into our lives. It means we become honest, real honest with Him. If we’re angry, upset, bitter, sad, frustrated, depressed, full of complaints, about our circumstances, it’s okay. God’s big enough to handle all of that and He already knows what we’re feeling and thinking anyway. It’s in the presence of God that we find truth and life. We’ll need to be reminded that through the trial, He’s working in our lives and growing in us something that didn’t once exist. If we turn to God regularly, learn to wait on Him and trust Him, perseverance will grow.

I mentioned earlier that asking God for wisdom doesn’t mean He will respond in exactly the way we want. Asking God for wisdom doesn't mean that He will tell us exactly why we are going through the trial or how long the trial will last. But when we ask God for wisdom, we can be certain that He will give us what we need to know to keep trusting in Him, to keep persevering, to keep hanging onto Him.

When I was 21, pain started developing in my hands, arms and wrists. At first, I figured it'd go away in a week or so. But it didn't. So I started praying, asking God to heal me. I'd wake up every morning hoping and expecting that the pain would be gone, but every morning I'd be disappointed. I soon learnt that God wasn't going to answer my request for healing. Time passed on and the pain spread all over my body. I could no longer do all the regular activities that I once did. My muscles became so weak that I could barely perform simple every day tasks like opening cereal boxes and water bottles. I was frustrated, desperate and I needed help. I saw doctor after doctor trying to figure out what was happening. Finally, when I was 22, I was diagnosed with a condition called Fibromyalgia.

Wanting to get better, I followed all the suggestions of my doctors. I took tons of medication every day. I changed my lifestyle: I slept early, exercised regularly and avoided activities that could cause further harm, even though I loved doing them. Despite all these changes, life got worse. I'd wake up every day with intense pain all over my body. I’d wake up feeling completely drained of energy, despite sleeping 8 hours a day. It was like pulling an all nighter, every single day. I’d also experience random dizzy spells. I lost all hope. I tried everything I knew to get better, but nothing ever worked. On top of this, I still had to go to school, attend classes and do homework. Life was too difficult for me to handle. Every day was pain. Living was painful. I wondered what God was up to. I asked, “Why me?” I was angry, bitter, upset, confused, depressed about my condition. Why didn't God change my situation? All my life, I had been following Him, serving Him, loving Him as best I knew how. So why me? The next year and a half was a rollercoaster for me. I hit the lowest points in my life. I felt so broken and helpless. I wanted to throw in the towel and give up. I wanted to turn away from God and leave the faith. But throughout all of this, I kept praying that God would heal me. I kept going to God about my hurt, my frustration, my pain, my desperation. I went to God about everything I thought and felt. I wanted to experience joy through my trials but I didn't know how and I didn’t think it was possible.

About a year and half after my diagnosis, God finally gave me new perspective. My circumstances didn't change, I still woke up every morning feeling tired and with lots of pain, but I no longer saw it the same way. I finally began to understand that God was using this trial in my life to draw me closer to Himself. He had been deepening my walk, my faith, my understanding of Him through it all. He had opened my eyes to more of Himself. He had grown in me something that I did not have, something that I had longed for.

All of us are at different places today. Some of us are going through intense trials right now. You've been struggling, wrestling with God, asking God questions, wondering if He's really still there and if He still cares and loves you. Let me tell you that He does. God is using this trial in your life to develop in you something you didn't have. He's developing an enduring spirit, one that hopes and trusts and clings to Him, one that has faith in who He is. Keep asking Him for wisdom. Keep trusting in Him. Cling to Him for dear life and don’t let go.

If you're not currently going through trials right now, praise God for that. But know that trials are the experience of every believer and they will come. It’s not a matter of if, but when. So when they do come, trust God. Ask Him to give you wisdom and depend on Him. He will give you the strength to endure and persevere.

God loves us far too much to leave us the way we are now. Trials in our life test and grow our faith. Through trials, God develops in us something that we once lacked. Let us hold unswervingly onto Him, the One who gives freely to those who ask. May God grant all of us an enduring spirit, to trust in Him for all things.

To close, I’d like to end with a poem.

He never fails the soul that trusts in Him;
Tho' disappointments come and hope burns dim,
He never fails.
Tho' trials surge like stormy seas around,
Tho' testings fierce like ambushed foes abound,
Yet this my soul, with millions more has found,
He never fails; He never fails.
He never fails the soul that trusts in Him;
Tho' angry skies with thunder-clouds grow grim,
He never fails.
Tho' icy blasts life's fairest flow'rs lay low,
Tho' earthly springs of joy all cease to flow,
Yet still 'tis true, with millions more I know,
He never fails; He never fails.
He never fails the soul that trusts in Him;
Tho' sorrow's cup should overflow the brim,
He never fails.
Tho' oft the pilgrim way seems rough and long,
I yet shall stand amid yon white-robed throng,
And there I'll sing, with millions more, this song--
He never fails; He never fails.