2006: what a year!

January 13, 2007

as i reflect back on 2006, i must give thanks to God for all that has happened. 2006 was an incredible year—a year of new perspectives, a year of great blessing, a year of great change, a year of struggles and tears. i am amazed at what He has done and i feel overwhelmed to try and articulate all of His mighty work in this writing. nonetheless, i will still try.

a year of new perspective
at the beginning of 2006, my perspective changed regarding my health. my health for the past few years has been a major struggle for me. whenever my body wasn't doing well, i'd be an emotional rollercoster—i'd be a complete wreck. i'd struggle with my faith. i'd struggle with being depressed. i had praying for a long time for God to give me a new perspective, a new hope and of course, to deliver me. while God had not yet delivered me from fm, He has given me new eyes to see. whenever my body isn't doing well, i'm no longer on a emotional rollercoster. i have finally come to grips with the fact that i will encounter good and bad days. i have finally come to grips with the fact that i will have to deal with this physical pain for a while. i have finally come to grips that there is a new day coming regarding my health. i have finally realized that even if i do encounter bad days, it won't always be bad days. i have hope again. yet, i still pray and ask God to deliver me. i really do desire to be delivered from fm because i don't want to live with it for the rest of my life. i still struggle with my health sometimes, but it's not to the same extent as it was before. i'm no longer completely shaken over it.

at the beginning of 2006, i was also really excited for tyndale. i was excited for the different courses i was taking. i was excited that i had the privilege of attending seminary and really learn and experience more of God. i've been very thankful to have this time of life where i can learn and grow more in the Lord. i'm not sure where He's leading me with all of this, but i know the Lord knows what He's doing and i will continue to set my hope and trust in Him.

around february/march of 2006, one of my professors from tyndale asked me to consider working at his church as a creative pastor. in the fall semester, my passion for the arts convinced him of his need for a creative pastor at his church. in fact, he was so excited about the idea, he brought it up with the board of elders at his church and they approved of it. since i was so passionate about the arts, he gently dropped hints at trying to get me to work at his church. i finally decided to ask him how serious he was about it and when he told me he was really serious, i started praying. i prayed for a few months before hearing what God wanted me to do.

the prospect of it was incredibly exciting since i'm very passionate about the arts in the church. i'm very passionate about how God uses the arts to draw people to Himself. however, the prospect of it also meant a lot of change. i'd have to move to a different city, engage with a different culture, adjust my school schedule, and leave my home church. the biggest factors for me was leaving my home church and leaving my parents. there were two major concerns for me. i just didn't think it was the right time for that. still, the pull of the

a question has lingered in my mind for many years: why am i chinese? of all ethnicities i could have been, why did God make me chinese? i've never really liked being chinese because i don't like chinese culture. but, i've always known that God had a purpose for it. see, i don't believe anything is by chance. i believe God is purposeful about everything He does. God does not make mistakes. He does not have accidents. He knows exactly what He's doing. i've asked many times throughout my life but i never really received an answer.

i talked with tim and jer about it before. a long, long time ago. i remember talking about it in tim's house. we were sitting on the couch and at one point, jer came up with the idea that maybe the reason i was chinese was to serve the chinese church and to pave the way for the arts to become a part of the church. his words stuck with me, but i didn't think much about it.

in june, i was able to go to my professor's church with ann. i had been wanting to go to his church for quite some time so i was really excited to have the opportunity. when i got there, my response was very different from what i had expected. i thought i'd be totally picturing myself there as the creative pastor and seeing if it'd be a good fit for me. instead, i went like any other person, like a normal attendee. i found myself watching what was going on and wishing that the chinese church would one day be "caught up." i found myself longing that the arts would become an integral part of the chinese church. i was NOT prepared for that. i was really shocked.

two days later, i drove my parents to the airport. on the drove home, i noticed they were doing construction on the 407. i stared at the unpaved road. God was speaking to me. i thought about how the unpaved road meant many things. it was exciting. there's something incredibly exhilarating in being the one to pave the road. it was scary. unpaved road meant many challenges and struggles along the way and it also meant never knowing when the job would be completed. it's always harder to be the one who has to do the work than the one who reaps the benefits. it'd be rewarding. sticking it through, being the one who paved the road, there'd be something so rewarding about that, because in doing so, you get to see all the work that was put into it. in that moment, God asked me a question: what are you leo, a paver or a driver? staying at my church meant being a paver. going to my professor's church meant being a driver. going to my professor's church would be "easier" because everything was pretty well established there. staying at my church meant venturing into new territory, paving the way for new ministries. i told God, i don't know what i am, you tell me—He did. He showed me how i've been a paver all my life. i've paved the way for many different initiatives: started up a cell group with justin back in high school that grew enormously, started up a cell group at YSDN, organized and arranged a john 4:24 worship night (sufficiency) to happen and started up synergy with jer. as i thought about that, i asked God, if i've always been a paver, why do i want to be a driver now? soon, i realized that i wanted to drive because i've gone through so much hardship and difficulty over the past three years, i wanted to be able to relax and unwind. i didn't want the challenges anymore. but, as i prayed about it more, i knew what God wanted me to do. i was a paver.

i went to tyndale later on that day. as i was talking to God, i asked Him, God, if you wanted me to stay at my church, why didn't you just say so? why have me struggle about it for so many months? He answered, "leo, you always struggled with your identity with being chinese. i want you to be a part of the chinese church and affect change in it." "oh!" i replied. it's funny how God works sometimes. He always surprises me.

a year of great blessing
the greatest blessing of 2006 was meeting ann. when i think back to the beginning of 2006, i had no idea that i'd meet the woman of my dreams. i had given up all hope of being married. i had given up hope of finding her. i was starting to accept the reality that i might be single (though i vehemently opposed the thought of it). i had no idea where she'd come from.

God had different plans. He had been orchestrating so much behind the scenes. He was preparing us for each other. He was preparing us to be in relationship with one another. i still can't believe that i'm with ann. i still can't believe i have the wonderful privilege of walking alongside her in life. i still can't believe that what we have is real. i would have never guessed! i can't believe that six years ago, we were sitting beside each other at urbana 2000 celebrating new year's as complete strangers. now, we're together as a couple, along the road to marriage. only God could have ordained such a thing! our relationship is a result of His mighty work in our lives. i'm so thankful to God for her! words cannot describe what my heart feels. she's the greatest blessing to me. this has been the best year of my life, without a doubt! i want to love, cherish, honour, support, encourage her more and more as the new year begins.

a year of great change
around june/july of 2006, i began to realize that i had been losing my creative gifts. when i graduated from york/sheridan, my professors told us that we needed to exercise our gifts in design in order to keep them. they said if we didn't exercise them, we'd lose them. at the time, i disregarded what they said as trying to scare us. but i really realized how true their words were. as we started planning for the christmas service, i realized my ideas were no longer as fresh and i was hitting creative blocks faster than before. since i had been out of design for a year, i didn't have the opportunity to exercise creativity very often. i knew i was not as creative as i was the year before.

in august, i was given the opportunity to freelance for a lighting retailer in hong kong. i was given the referral by a friend of mine from church. i was asked to create a new identity & business card. though i didn't have much experience with identity design, i decided to give it a shot anyways. over the most of august & september, i forgot how much i missed design. i missed coming up with creative solutions. i missed having the ability to try out different ideas. i really missed it and i was shocked by my reaction. more deeply, what i missed was being creative. i started praying about it. i knew what i was feeling wasn't from me. as i sought the Lord, i felt He wanted me to return to design and exercise my gifts again. if i was going to be creative in the church, i had to be creative outside of it. i was very surprised by this! i never expected it. when i graduated from design, i thought it would be done with it forever; God had different plans for me. i started talking to the ones closest to me regarding this and i was expecting them to disagree with this new change of heart and to tell me to complete my studies in design. yet, to my surprise, they all agreed with me and even affirmed me. even the deacons at my church affirmed me. i was taken aback by that. i didn't expect it!!

one of my biggest struggles was why God would all of a sudden change my direction. why would He have me pursue a master of divinity if i was going to return to design? i was talking to one of my deacons about this and he told me this: if the only reason i got a m. div was for personal growth, that in itself would be a very worthwhile thing! that made so much sense to me. i never saw it that one. i always thought you'd have to "do something" with your degree. his perspective really shifted my paradigm on things.

over the course of september to november, i started job hunting. i had to reconstruct my online and print portfolio. when i graduated, i destroyed my portfolio because i was too cheap to reprint it. i never thought i'd ever have a use for it again. job hunting was not as easy as i thought. i never knew how hard it was to get a job! i was constantly searching job sites for opportunities, applying and interviewing. i finally saw how difficult it was for people to find work. i realized how much of a struggle it was for people. i was glad that God gave me the opportunity to do that. i was glad that He allowed me to struggle during those three months. it really has given me new understanding to what people have to go through.

after 3.5 months, i was hired as a graphic designer for a fitness company. i never thought i'd be working full-time so soon, but i'm very thankful that God has granted me this opportunity. it's been very different working full-time and i pray that God would continue to shape and mold me in the year to come.

a year of struggles and tears
in the later months of 2006, my mom started experiencing difficulties with her health. it has not been easy. it's been incredibly difficult to see my mom's health go down the drains and not having the ability to do anything about it. i know it's been frustrating for her. i know it's been very challenging for her. it's been very frustrating and challenging for us too. if i had the power, i'd heal her instantly, but i don't. all i know is to support her, love her and care for her in every way i know how. it's hard to see what God's doing in the midst of trials—especially when the trials are not your own. i've realized this year how much harder it was to see other people that you love suffer. it's a really hard thing to bear.

to this date, my mom's health has still not improved. she's made small improvements, but it seems those improvements are always offset by something else. but i must continue to hope in the Lord. i pray that the Lord would bring healing into her life, holistic healing, the healing that only He can do. i pray that He would bring life into her again. i pray that He would bring joy into her again. i pray that He would be her comfort, her strength, her refuge in these times. i pray that the Lord would renew her to what she once was.

all this being said, i do believe this turn of events in my mom's life has really brought our family into a time of restoration and healing. because of it, we decided that it'd be a great thing for us to see a counsellor about eric. i had always wanted to see a counsellor to deal with my grief. i knew his death had really messed me up inside, but i didn't know what to do about it. i knew i suppressed things. i knew that i was really messy deep down. yet despite me knowing this, i never went to see a counsellor. when i started tyndale, i thought about it, but i never acted. i'm glad that i didn't. i'm glad that God lead my entire family to do counseling together.

it's been a very tough journey. there's been a lot of tears. a lot of the emotions that i've had over the past three years have finally begun to surface. everytime they do, it hurts—really, really bad. sometimes i don't even know how to let out my emotions. they've been stored up for so long, they've become stuck! sometimes i feel like i want to start bawling, but i can't, i don't know how. i've realized that though i've acknowledged eric's death in my mind, i haven't in my heart. i still cling onto him. i don't want to say goodbye. it's too hard. it's too hurtful. i want to release him to God, but i can't right now. i'm not ready to. i pray that the Lord will continue to lead me and my family. i pray that He would continue to show me how to mourn eric's death.

conclusion
so many things happened in 2006! i am amazed at what the Lord has done and i give Him thanks and praise. as 2007 begins, i'm excited. i know the Lord will do great things this year and i wait in eager anticipation for all He will do. i pray that 2007 would be another wonderful adventure with Him. i pray that i will know Christ in a deeper, richer way this year. i pray that i would become more like Him this year, that i'd grow in Christ-like character. i pray that i would become more and more abandoned to His calling. Lord, lead me into 2007. let Your will be done in my life!