to my dear brother

August 13, 2007

dear eric,

i wanted to do as much as i could to remember you today; here's what i did. i wore your favourite UHS t-shirt. i wore the white columbia pants you used to own. i drove the lexus. i wore sandals. i wore the guess sunglasses you gave me. i listened to some ella fitzgerald and louie armstrong. i went to neptune's cove for lunch with ann. we made sure to eat a whole bunch of pickles for you. i wonder what your favourite meal was there? i don't remember what you ordered. the place is still run by the same owner. i went to our old house too. it's been a while since i've been there. ann and i sat outside and looked at the house and talked. it brought back some good memories, but also some hard ones too. the last vivid memory i have of you is what happened that night... i'll be going to king edward's arms with ann for dinner later. it's monday night, wing night. we used to go there to have cheap wings and chat a lot. i really enjoyed those times we shared. we had some great talks there. i'm also going to watch your old videos and look at some pictures of you; i wish i had more.

four years. sometimes it feels like i'm slowly losing the memories we shared together. i don't want that, but you seem so far away now. i want to keep our memories alive. i want to do more things that help me remember. i talked about you a lot with ann today. that made me happy. that made me remember. ann said i should write them down in a notebook so i don't forget. i want to do that.

it seems like it's been an eternity since i last saw you face to face. last night, i was thinking about the last time i saw you. you came to my room, plopped on my bed as you always did and started chatting with me. i was sitting on the computer working on something. you asked me how i knew God's will. i tried to explain it to you. after a while, you went back upstairs. that was our last conversation. that was the last time i saw you alive. i wish that day i had told you how much i loved you. i wish that day i had told you how much i looked up to you, how much i respected you, how much i thought of you. i thought so highly of you. i always wanted to know what you thought. you were the best brother i could ever have asked for and i have to say it's hard not having you around. i miss your smile, i miss your laugh, i miss your mannerisms, i miss your jokes, i miss your sarcasm, i miss your transparency, i miss your presence, i miss your company, i miss your opinions, i miss your encouargements, i miss your ideas, i miss our pooh-time, i miss playing tennis with you, i miss your advice, i miss your humour, i miss our together times, i miss everything about you.

on saturday, ann and i went to her friend's wedding. the groom's little brother stood up and delivered a speech. it made me think of you. it made me miss you. how i wish you could be there and deliver your speech when ann and i get married. i always thought you would be there by my side when i got married. you would have been so happy for me. your speech would have meant a lot to me. i wish i could've heard what you would have written.

i'm not sure what to feel today. i'm not sure. i feel sad. my heart feels downcast. i miss you. i wish you were here. i want to cry, but no tears come and i can't force it. do you know how much we all loved you? i don't think you did. you thought it would be easy for us to forget about you and move on with our lives. how could we? it's four years and it's still really hard. we think about you all the time. we miss you all the time.

i don't want to accept the reality that you're not here anymore. i don't. i know it in my head, but not in my heart. my heart doesn't want that reality. i want you to come back somehow. i want to see you again. i guess i won't have that until we are reunited in heaven. i hope i recognize you. i hope you recognize me. i know that i have to accept that you're not here anymore, but i'm still not ready. i don't know when i'll be.

eric, i love you. i always will. thank you for being the brother you were. thank you for everything. i can't wait to see you again.

love,

leo

ps. ann bought mom a lot of daisies in memory of you. your favourite flower! i took a picture of one for you.