five

August 13, 2008

i've been dreading this day for a while now... didn't know what to expect or how to respond. i feel like i've been trying to avoid having to deal with my feelings and emotions with eric; i think i've been afraid of the pain i know that's deep within; i think i've been afraid of experiencing the deep sadness that lingers in my heart. some part of me wanted to cover everything up and pretend like nothing's happened. another part of me wanted to face what's there, by the power of Christ.

i began to feel like i wanted to remember, so last night, ann and i talked for a while about eric and then we drove around. eric loved driving around at night. i drove to places i hadn't been in a while - my old house, UHS and coledale. i wanted to remember.

i had to work today. i told myself i'd take this day off last year, but because of the new job, it wasn't possible. i felt like most of the day was wasted at work and i wanted nothing more than to take time to reflect, remember and mourn. it seemed like it just wasn't possible today. i got back home at 5 and then ann and i quickly cleaned up the house before leaving for dinner. i was looking forward to that. i planned to go to neptune's cove, like usual, because it was eric's favourite restaurant. i've gone there every year since he's passed away on august 13th. eric used to go there all the time. the owner recognized him. one time, he thought i looked like someone he remembered. i quickly shrugged it off and switched the topic. there's no way i wanted to let him know who i reminded him of. we drove through the city, through what seemed to be way too much traffic and finally arrived. to my horror, not only was neptune's closed, it was shut down. my heart sank. ann's heart sank. we got out of the car and walked inside. the landlord has closed their restaurant down. we turned around in disbelief. what now?

i kind of knew it was coming, but i never thought it would. every time i've been to neptune's cove, there's rarely ever been any business. ann and i used to be one of the only couples in the entire restaurant. how could they have kept in business? still, why did they have to get shut down? why now? this was eric's favourite... and i'll never be able to go there again. another memory gone.

i wanted to remember eric - what else did he like? i called my mom and she suggested king edward's arms. great idea. eric and i used to always chat there. when he worked at the pet hospital, we came almost every single monday to have wings and catch up. i always liked that. it was our quality time together. sometimes i thought we'd have nothing to say to each other. sometimes i thought it'd be awkward. but it never was. and looking back, i'm glad we did it. heck, i wish we did it even more often. as we were driving, ann suggested that we make a list of all the stuff eric liked. i thought that was a fantastic idea. when we got to dinner, we started making a list. it was great. i want to keep adding to this. i find it's harder and harder to remember the things eric liked. i find it harder and harder to remember. so whenever a memory comes, i want to capture it down. i want to remember. eating there brought back some good memories, but i still felt like i hadn't accomplished what i set out to do.

we drove to dominion to pick up some groceries really fast and then went to my parent's house. i felt like i should be with them tonight, despite my wanting to be alone with ann to remember. we (my mom, ann and myself) went through the photos that my mom keeps and shared a few memories together. i actually learned new things about eric that i didn't know before. we read through some of his old cards that were given to him and i hugged his pooh bear for a while. still no tears. i guess i've been wanting to cry, to let out what's inside, but nothing came. you can't force these things. they come when they come.

suddenly, i felt an urge to look at eric's old computer. i wanted to contact his old friends. i wanted more pictures of him. i wanted more memories of him. so i plugged everything in and turned on his computer for the first time in five years. i started digging through his files and stumbled across a file that i never expected to see. it was a chat log between eric and me! i didn't have time to read through the file, but i will definitely be doing that in the future. i was so thrilled to see that. it documented conversations in 2002 and 2003. i can't wait to read it. i also found andrea's email. i may actually email her.

after all that, ann and i headed home. i wanted to watch eric's old school videos. i wanted ann to see them with me. i also wanted to listen to "for good." every time i listen to that song, i think of eric. it was really nice to watch the videos. i got to hear eric's voice again, see his mannerisms, hear his laugh, see him move about... i miss him dearly. one of the videos was especially tough to watch because it was recorded where we found eric that night. i felt the sting of pain hit my heart. i felt so sad again. why eric? why did it have to be eric? we listened to "for good" twice. a few tears trickled from my eyes, but that was it. i guess that's all that's there tonight. i feel like my emotions, or perhaps my outward emotions, don't adequately encapsulate what my heart feels.

my heart feels overwhelmed with a deep sense of sadness, sorrow and loss, but emotionally i feel somewhat flat, numb, distant. i don't know why. i want to cry, but i can't. i feel stuck inside. is it my heart protecting itself - trying to avoid the pain that's there? i don't know. i know that Christ is fully able to bring me through this pain and bring healing in my life, but i feel like i resist that from happening... maybe i'm still not ready to do this. after five years, i don't feel like i've "progressed" much. maybe i'm not supposed to. maybe you never do. i don't really know.

through all of this though, i'm really glad to have ann in my life. she's been so supportive, so loving, so kind, so gentle, so understanding and so empathetic. i really see how much she feels my pain. eric would have loved ann. i know it. they would have gotten along so well. i can imagine that eric would have been over all the time, hanging out at the house, chatting, laughing, just having a good time. i wish that could have happened...

eric, i miss you tremendously. you were such a fantastic brother to me. i've always wished you knew how much i loved you. i wish i showed you it more often. i wish i told it to you more often. if you were here, i'd give you a massive hug and would never let go. i would tell you how much i love you. i would tell you how much i admire you. i would tell you how much i look up to you. even though it's been five years, my love for you has not diminished at all. i long for the day that we will be reunited again.

i love you eric. i love you.

til we meet again.