i will remember you (six years)

August 13, 2009

today marks six years since eric passed away. like every other year, i've been dreading this day for a long time... wasn't sure what to expect, how i'd feel, or what i'd think. i don't know if it gets harder or easier every year, but i know it gets harder to remember. eric seems so much further away now - six years is an incredibly long time.

i did something different this year - i finally took the day off work. for the past few years i've always written about how i should take the day off work and this year it happened - because of ann. ann was kind enough to kick me in the pants to do it. i was hesitant at first - making all kinds of excuses - like saying that i'd lose money because i'm on contract or that it wasn't such a good idea - all because i was afraid that my boss might ask me why i was asking for the day off or what i'd do. last week, i mustered enough courage and asked. thank the Lord i was able to take it off with ann.

at the end of the work day yesterday, i felt a deep sense of emptiness and hollowness. i knew today was just around the corner and my heart sank. i tried to keep myself occupied and busy to prevent myself from really experiencing the sense of loss and sadness in my heart, but at the end of the night, i couldn't do it anymore. right before we slept, the same feeling swept over me again and i decided i couldn't run anymore. i stayed with it and listened to the song "for good" - the one song i always listen to when i want to remember eric and his impact on my life. and that's when the tears, the emotions and the pain came. ann, of course, was there to support me. ann has been the greatest blessing & encouragement in my life regarding eric. she has always been super supportive and understanding of eric... i'm so thankful for her! we decided to stay up later and read some of his old journals... that was nice. it was good to remember.

we slept around 1 am and woke up this morning to start our day of remembering. i wanted to remember eric today. i wanted to go where he went, wear what he wore, and do the things he did. we had a full, jammed packed day and it great. i really feel like we remembered eric well today. i have never had the opportunity to do so much on august 13th since he passed away. i think i'll post all the activities in another entry later.

eric, ann and i did a lot of things to remember you today - things that i've never been able to do before and it feels good. i've always wanted to hang up a picture of you on our wall. today we did that. we printed the only photo of the two of us i have and put it in a really nice frame. i wrote "leo & eric | brothers forever" on it too. it's in our family room and i think it looks great there. it makes me happy to see it. i want to remember you. i don't want to ever forget. your life made such a difference to me - how could i pretend like you didn't exist? now, i'll see you every day when i walk by the family room. i wish we had more pictures together, i really do. all i have is a photo of us from high school, but it'll have to do. at least we're both really happy in it. i was always happy when we were together. i always enjoyed all the time we had together: pooh talk, tennis, kitty tennis, talking on icq about tech stuff, eating out together, going to the mall, everything. i miss it so much. it's not the same without you here.

the other thing we did today was plant white daisies in your memory. we planted it right in the middle of our new garden! there's a bunch of three there now, but we might increase it to five. i was a bit hesitant at first because you know how much i hate bees, but you're more important to me than that, so i'm wiling to risk it. ann and i dug up the soil and placed the daisies in there after dinner. now, every year, there are going to show up in our garden. i'm really happy about that. i know you would be too.

eric, i miss you terribly and still wish you could be here with us. i know you struggled a lot, but i don't know how you could have thought it would have been easier for us without you; it's not. you were my best friend and my brother! how could it be easier? certain things just aren't the same... the biggest thing i wished for is that you could have met ann. i know you would have loved her a lot. she's the best wife in the whole world and i just know you would have gotten along so well together.

eric, i want you to know that i will always love you and i will never ever forget you. i'm glad ann and i could do so much to remember you... i want to remember. i will remember. you were one of the best things that ever happened to me and my life has been changed by the better because of you. you have made such a big difference in my life.

your loving brother,

leo