the 30th you never had

March 29, 2010

hi eric.

for the first time since you left us, i realized something. i'm mad at you. actually, i'm downright angry with you.

i've always felt this inside but i could never bring myself to admit it because i felt like it showed that i didn't love you or didn't respect you or something. but i realize i'm entitled to feel how i feel and you need to know it.

eric, i am extremely angry with you for doing what you did. did you ever stop to consider HOW WE WOULD FEEL if you left us? did you ever think how HARD IT WOULD BE without you around us? did you!?? you thought it would be better for us if you weren't here.... WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!??! HOW IS LIFE BETTER WITHOUT YOU????????

do you want to know what happened to us eric? do you think our lives got better??

my health got shot to hell. i developed this health syndrome called fibromyalgia. causes are unknown but people suggest it's due to spinal injury and/or traumatic stress... guess what? i've got both and they were both because of you. remember that crazy car accident we were in when you driving the audi? just because you got pissed off at a guy who cut you off? and we ended up in a car that was COMPLETELY totalled... well the consequences of that event have finally surfaced; in my health.

do you know how mom is doing? for the past four years, she's been barely living. pretty much at home all day, getting panic attacks, not able to function. it's taken her so long to even get back to semi-normal.

did you think that we would enjoy life like that?

and the fact that we all have this deep gaping wound inside of us that still feels as raw and as painful as the day you left us... if not worse.... all of us live with this deep sense of sorrow, pain and agony that lies underneath everything we do... because you aren't here anymore... because you decided to rob us of having the privilege of you being around us.

why would you do this do us? didn't you say you loved us? i don't understand it eric. i really don't.

don't you think we loved you so much that the fact of losing you would rip us apart?????

no you didn't think about that did you. you just thought that it'd be better for all of us this way. you thought it'd be better for you this way.

i'm calling you out eric. that was selfish and it was stupid. for once in your life, your thinking was flawed.

i didn't want to feel this way, especially on the day that would have been your 30th birthday. i wanted to have happier, fonder memories. but all i feel right now is anger, bitterness and disappointment with you. i do still love you, don't get me wrong, but this is what i feel. i hope you'll understand.

i have to figure this all out eric. i don't know how to deal with anger like this. but i know i feel it deep down because there's so much pain inside. it hurts eric. it hurts that you're not here anymore. it hurts that you thought it was best for us not to have you in our life. i miss you, my dear brother. i love you. i hope, one day, we will be reunited. i feel like i'll have a lot of questions for you, but maybe by then, it won't matter so much anymore.

happy 30th eric. i'm sure you would have had a really great birthday today. i know you would have done something special for others. that's the kind of person you were.

your brother, now and forever.

leo